The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ladee]

Thanks for the 'translation' , a good weight... keep up the great work....

 

[mumstheword]

Struggling with low grade depression; apathy hopelessness, despair, sadness, grief
Also a UTI
I'm a positive and non-wallowy sort though.
I'll probably go for a walk tomorrow and feel better, I'm probably just feeling this coz I'm tired.
I think I fight the black dog and I'm winning, it's not like it used to be. But in some ways I've lost my "oomph" my drive, my ambition, I'm worn out and sad and angry and disappointed and the world isn't very kind or nice and people aren't safe.
I think moving will help, I do have that hope.
It will be good to get away from it all and have a "retreat" in a psych hospital.:inpain::shy::unsure::sneaky::O_o:

 

[mumstheword]

Still "depression" today; not bad, just, I-want-to-hide-from-the-whole-world-and-do-nothing level.
I have my man here, comforting me, with his presence, and I'm taking my two youngest kids; dawty, dawtys friend and tall-twelvey son to see incredibles2 this afternoon.

Lots of hiding how I really feel, is in order.

Weight was up, but I think that will radically change in the day, it did yesterday.

I think I'm sad because I'm a person who really wants to love, and some people hurt me when I just wanted to love them. People I spent a lot of time with. People who demoralized me so bad, who showed they didn't care, one iota, about me.
People who assaulted me, exploited me, used me, sexually, economically, people who scapegoated me, gaslit me, slandered me. People who should have cared about me!
We are tied by blood! It's just defies comprehension, the level of callous and cruel and abusive and destructive. I find it very hard to get over.
It hurts.

 

[freebird]

Sending you love for who you are Mums! I know how you are feeling...by people just using you when all you want is just to give and get genuine care. You are doing so amazing, proud of you!!

 

[mumstheword]

Inch by inch, I wanna inch my way better
Unfettered, I'm unhinged, still winging it, singing when I'm well a little, I dream on ... reminding myself I'm strong.

When I'm struggling, I write poetry
Creativity, is the life of me, keeps me from going under, when all is asunder.
Letter by letter, word by word,
I heal my soul and soar like a bird.

Words take me higher,
siring new thoughts,
new dreams, new plans, new ways, new hopes, new me...
You see, I always was a dreamer,
glad I am, coz it's given me room to grow, you know, I'm not ready to go, and it seems I have to take it slow now, not freak out my brain, gain a little by not doing a lot, It's rotten and crap, but I need to accept it, that's where I'm at.

My sense of me is built around a hole, where nurturing should have been. I didn't die, but I didn't grow right. I was shown night, when it should have been day. I didn't get a say in it. I'm frayed, not fully sane, in that my brain is injured, inflamed. It flares up easily, sends warning bells, upsets my sense of safety.

I'm a determined bitch though, persistent and dogged, eye on the goals, I've set for me, I continue indefinitely, inch by inch ...word by word, brain grows new pathways to heal my soul...

 

[Freida]

I think it's great that you are going back even though you know how hard it will be. You always give me strength to face the tough stuff...

 

[mumstheword]

I'm really glad you're going back to the hospital Mums, and I really admire your positive attitude...

Thanks @somerandomguy :)
Yeah, I'm excited about doing the program again. The group therapy is amazing. It's a democratic process, whereby we all propose a topic, an aspect that we are really struggling with or want to know more about, write it down and place in in the suggestion box and then everyone votes on it. Last time we did "hatred" (self hatred and hatred in general), cognitive distortions and attachment theory. We spend the whole week in that topic, discussing and even doing art in the theme. We get one on one sessions with our pdoc and the psych nurses on duty. It's pretty awesome :).

 

[mumstheword]

I went on my walk with sonny! :-) was good. He's opening up to me more and more. He can't wait to get out of there.

Movies with the kid's was fun.

Feeling better. :):tup:

 

[mumstheword]

I think it's great that you are going back even though you know how hard it will be. You always give me...

You give me strength to face the tough stuff!
If anyone's doing a lot of tough facing, it's you @Freida. There's heaps of stuff I can't even talk about yet (or remember).
You are doing tremendous work.

But honestly, thank you for saying that! It made me feel good.:)

 

[mumstheword]

Down to 82.1 kg today :laugh:.
I'm happy, so happy about that! This just proves I'm getting more well again!
It's not been hard either.
I am drawing on low carb recipes a lot. They are very delicious and satisfying. I feel like I've overindulged the last two nights dinners but the scales say not.
It's difference is, last time I dieted, I was much stricter with myself and more "by the book", now, I'm synergizing a whole bunch of weight loss nutrition science. For instance Kale is a great food to eat to activate metabolic fat-burning, I've been adapting a recipe from my low carb diet recipe book and using kale instead of the suggested greens. It's a delicious side dish and so easy!
It's just; 2 cloves of garlic, crushed or grated or whatever, in olive oil, add 8 halved cherry tomatoes, half a can of rinsed cannaleni beans, a couple of handfuls of finely chopped kale, a squeeze of lemon juice and salt and pepper to taste. It feeds two or three people as a side dish. It's filling because of the bulk and the beans.
Little tricks like that, and the weight is falling off me.
Another thing, last time it was strictly no bread, but I've found out that flax seed is one of those metabolic helpers. So this time, I'll treat myself to the odd peice of mixed flax-and-other seedy bread with avocado or dinner. Not all the time, but it is my own tweek to the low carb approach to weight loss.

I also enjoy a coffee (one of my absolute pleasure in life) with maple syrup made the way we aussies like it, milky and strong, every morning for breakfast (ok, most days that is my breakfast).
Last time, I cut out this most valued treat and it was so hard! So I'm being kind to myself, no added suffering or deprivation, this time.
I even had a bit of chocolate yesterday and I still lost weight! :-)

 

[Freida]

coffee with maple syrup??? Two of my favorite things!!! I must try in the morning

 

[mumstheword]

Sending you love for who you are Mums! I know how you are feeling...by people just using you when all...

Thank you @freebird :-) I really appreciate the empathy and the love!