The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So, I did talk to my guy about it. I can't hide anything from him and he asked me what was wrong.

She woke us up, this morning, knocking on the door about something not even important or necessary. Bare in mind that I don't even have a bedroom to hide out in.

It set me up for the whole (half of, it's midday here) day.
Yeah, I ended up supertriggered (God I hate using that word now, since millenials have rendered it virtually meaningless), I cried.

It's my "hopeless" part, she's giving me grief,
She feels so ignored and ineffectual and unvalued.
She's apathetic, depressed, angry, frustrated, hurt and sooooo underempowered.
So there you have it.
It's humiliating. I don't want to be accommodated for stupid "triggeredness", I don't want to ask for consideration. It's frightening and shameful for me.
PTSD the "wonderful gift":confused::cautious::meh::arghh;:notworthy::shifty::cry: that you want no one to have to give you any consideration for, if you can help it.
I told my guy that it's the every day part of it, that's getting to me, often, multiple times a day. All I want is to be left alone, and, it seems, that's too much to ask for.
I told him if she doesn't give us a break, I'm in danger of saying something and I don't want to alienate her or make her feel bad. I like her as a person. Anyone coming over and knocking on the door, everyday, would get to me. It's the legacy of this wonderful "gift" I suffer from. A distinct lack of wanting to be social, in my home, whenever the other person wants something, Every. Single. Day.
This is really getting to me today. I can't see me catching a break from it either. Hospital, here I come. Thank God for inpatients care in private catering-to-trauma Hospitals!

 

[Freida]

The fact that she refused me when it was something so terrible and so devastating and not for any real reason, she just didn't want her car driven to the hospital.
Anyway it feels yucky for me that she literally knocks on my f*cking door every day.

wow. I knew you were a better person that I am and this right here just proved it. Because her knocking on my door after refusing to be inconvenienced to save my life? Yea. I'm pretty sure I would clearly explain my displeasure with lots of colorful language that would leave her completely understanding she should never cross my path again. What can I say - I'm bitchy.

I love those photos of your hike! Bestie #2 is from New Zealand and hubby and I are trying to arrange a trip in the next couple years with her so we can all go there and have her play tour guide. And just last night I had a dream that she sent hubby and I to stay with her uncle in New Zealand. (she doesn't have an uncle LOL) I told hubby my escape dreams are getting better -- much nicer set up for running away!

 

[mumstheword]

Ok, aftermath of complete meltdown.
Told my guy (actually, sobbed to my guy) that there's a part of me that believes it's not possible for anyone to care about me.
A really, really felt hopeless part, it was devastating. I cried and cried and he held me, this after I shouted at him, told him a part of me wishes I had died from the miscarriage in July because "that would serve her right", realized I have a part that wants to die, she's angry and wants to hurt people who've hurt me by dying, actually she doesn't think they'll care but wants to die because "nobody cares about me". I don't want to die, but my depressed hopeless part does.
I'm feel terrible now, meltdown hungover.
That part is so miserable. Feels utterly uncare-aboutable. Sad, very sad and really not well. This is the part that's holding me back.
He did hug me, when I was going through It, that helped, my head feels awful now, my body is so heavy, I had a sleep. Headachey and yuck. I think.I need to really consider this, this is some core stuff. Lifelong stuff, the stuff that kills babies. I've survived so much not-being-cared-about, for sooooooo long. Being stuck and people disregarding how terrible a state I was in. Multiple pregnancies. Uuuuuughhh. Out in the bush or on the road with no one caring whether I lived or died. I feel stupid and embarrassed and worthless and ashamed.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm so sorry mums :hug:
Try to remember how better things are now, and how you're fighting to make them even better.
That fact is all on you, you made things better for yourself and for your man and for your kids.
You and your parts make up a hell of a woman who stops at nothing to be free from suffering.
That includes feeling a little suffering sometimes. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Lots of love to you

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Sietz .

I'm so sorry mums :hug:
Try to remember how better things are now, and how you're fighting to make them e...

Things got worse again. The neighbor came over again. More triggeredness, angry, fed up, it's got to do with this horrible existence of drug-f*cked narcy types and still being stuck in drug town, despite being clean myself, it's all around me and I'm SO OVER IT.
So the neighbor stuff is related to that. 45 years of being around these kinds of people, going round and round in their drug haze and it's boring and yuck feeling and disappointing and hopeless and dissociatey and to me, there is all kinds of horrid traumas attached to it too.. I'm so ready for a change. It's damaged me so much and I just want a fresh clean break. I've worked hard to clean up my life and yet I'm stuck in a bog, in a massive mud pit as I try to make my get away, my escape.
It's sticking to me, this muddy yuck, I can't get it off! My heart area hurts, it feels like heartbreak but I'm strong and I'll get through this, like I've made it through so much before.
I do believe in myself, but by God, it takes some endurance to see this thing called life through.

 

[Swift]

You're a wonderful strong woman Mums, and lots of people care about you. You are deeply, deeply deserving of love and care. I'm sorry that part of you didn't get it.

God I hate using that word now, since millenials have rendered it virtually meaningless),

My friends and I play this party game called "Don't Get Me Started", where you get a random topic, like shopping trolleys, and have to go on a rant.... so our joke about something you really don't want to get started on is "save that for the next round of #dontgetmestarted".
My hack for this is basically that people use that word like they use the word "abuse" or "trauma"... with total hyperbole and no understanding of what it really means. I get dissociative or vomit if I'm badly triggered - my lovely millenial friends have seen that, and avoid using the word because they realise how they're using it is bullshit.

no one caring

You don't have to answer this here. But how old is that part? Mine was much younger than I expected them to be. (Working on not calling my parts "it".)
And... the horrible truth here mums, is that no one did properly care for that part of you. Parts happen for a reason.
But - that doesn't mean she wasn't worth caring about.
And lots of people care about her now.
If I could talk to her, as Swift, I'd say to her that I care about her. That I care about her and what she went through. That I've met mums on the net, and because she's a part of the same soul, she must be every bit as beautiful and kind and amazing and intelligent as mums is. And that she's got an amazing protector now, one who's a f*cking lioness and will look after her, and lots of other people like me and your guy who want to know how she's doing.
Sending good vibes.

 

[mumstheword]

You're a wonderful strong woman Mums, and lots of people care about you. You are deeply, deeply deserving...

I got overwhelmed and a bit cognitive distorty but very very touched when I read this last night. It's like coming in to a warm fire and hot stew after being in a snowstorm on a dark moonless night
I will keep rereading this, she knows she is getting care now.
It's amazing how I bounced back from that triggerfest. Even this morning I felt shithouse but it's my son's birthday today and it was the first time I've spent his birthday with him since he was 11. He turned 20 today.:). It was wonderful to spend it with him.

 

[mumstheword]

T

You're a wonderful strong woman Mums, and lots of people care about you. You are deeply, deeply deserving...

Thank you so much @Swift, very very kind message. It's helped enormously.

 

[Swift]

Anytime, mums. Happy birthday to your son!

 

[mumstheword]

TAF today (triggered as f*ck) f*cking horrible day. A complete write off of a day. I wanted to run so bad. I'm pretty good with putting the s/i in its place; not an option, I have kids.

My thing is I feel I don't matter and it hurts. It's a deep pain and the neighbor-and-my -partner-situation trigger it badly. I picked now to go into hospital because it's the first anniversary of my last miscarriage. I lost a lot of blood and passed out, wouldn't go to hospital because of what happened the last time, with the neighbor and I had to do it all alone (ambulance, but partner couldn't be with me or pick me up, neighbor wouldn't help out coz; selfish like the people I grew up with and doesn't care about me).
So I got my guy there with me but I passed out a few times and yeah, lots and lots of blood.
I postponed hospital until next week coz of dawtys fashion show. I'm going in on Sunday the 8 th.

 

[mumstheword]

I spit it at my guy. I feel better. I ranted and cried about how I need him to acknowledge the emotional pain I'm in. I couldn't even grieve the baby losses last year, I was too worried about 20-year-old son and for good reason. Well I don't need to worry about him now, it's time to grieve my lost babies that happened last year. I will be going into the fullness of January 4 month pregnancy, one of those months of which I had a dead foetus inside of me and having to go through finding out our baby was dead and having it sucked out of me without my guy. Not fun.

He just told me he had tried to hitch but no one would pick him up (I had gone ahead in the ambulance). Neighbor had lent us the car prior, a few times and the lining on the top of the ceiling had come down a bit. Not our fault but I paid the ultimate price by trigger (finding out neighbor wouldn't help us get my guy in or help me get home the next day) on top of trauma of finding out our baby had been dead a month and they wanted to know if I wanted to stay in to have it out. I wish I had gone home now, coz no my-special-guy while I was in hospital.
The next miscarriage I chose to stay home and do, it was pretty gory, scary and awful. It freaked him out, I kept passing out and was so white.

I am not good with hospitals , that's one of the reasons I am going private to Belmont next week again. To conquer my avoidance and trepidation over hospitals and medicos. I am finally grieving my lost babies and it's horrible. Another reason neighbor triggers me, twin babies, and her live in mother to help her. I'm a bit envious.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm glad you're finally grieving. I can't even imagine what that must have been like. I'm so sorry.