The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

" I am forgiving myself for my lack of options."

Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Can I steal this?

Also - the camaraderie and love your kids have with each other is a credit to you as a mother. As is the fact you got out, and they're all coming back.

Your kids.... Don't have an experience of not having a mother who loves them and cares for them and puts their needs before her own.

And that is an amazing, amazing thing.

You sure can :-). Yay Swift, you're back! :hug: been thinkinboutcha, wondering how you're going.

Thanks mate :-) ya cheered me up, I'm a bit blue.

 

[mumstheword]

Massive trigger fest and more fights over the neighbor coming over lots, most days and late at night. My guy says he's going to do something about it, so, we'll see.

Also, my dad is up. He's having bad eye problems and we might have to drive up to brisbane so he can see an eye doctor.

My mum has the hates on him too, and won't see him, because "he's on my side" and shes not happy about that.

My mum stuff is painful. Yep I have major "woman issues" too.

I do have some female friends though and so that shows I'm not doing too badly, doesn't it.

Dad says my mum says I'm "stubborn" and "ungrateful". I know I am a stubborn person but there's lots I'm grateful for, so I'm not taking that on.
I think the stubbornness has been a saving grace, maybe I'm still alive because of it.

Aaaaaaaaghhhhhh neighbor just came over AGAIN! Its 10 a f*cking clock at night! This is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Juso]

Oh mums, so sorry about that terrible neighbor. She is violating your need for privacy and your need for your own space. No wonder you're so stressed about this. I would be too. She enters your world without asking and doesn't respect your boundaries. That is terrible, especially for us trauma folks who experienced this violation before. Yes, its a damn trigger fest. I hope your guy will stop opening your door for her. I hope he will tell her to mind her own business. Coming over many times a day and even at 10 PM is more than just inappropriate.
Also, jealousy is cruel. I hate it too. Its so bothersome that you even had arguments with you guy because of this woman. She's just not worth it!!! She should respect both of you and leave you alone. Jesus! There's people in this world ...

 

[mumstheword]

I had a total and complete meltdown over the neighbor sitch.
It got really bad. I wanted to be hospitalised. I was suicidal (not going to do anything, as I told my guy, but scarily close to self harming and feeling strong urges).
I haven't been that unwell for quite some time. It was definitively a parts thing. A part that's been buried since I was a teen, for the most part.

My guy didn't handle alot of it too well. He yelled at me. Shamed me, got really triggered himself. He did say he'll talk to the neighbor, he's working today though.

I ended up calling out, internally, help me, please! I can't deal with this! I don't know what to do! I don't want to break up over this.
I did get some internal help. One part, I think Nyah, rescued me. She reminded me that I'm not helpless, that I'm not powerless and that powerful cognitive distortions were at play.

Also I now fully believe my guy is trustworthy. That part was saying things like "everyone either leaves me or does me over, or both" . I felt discarded and insignificant. The sense of powerlessness and self loathing were very strong. I was shaking, crying, my heart felt part numb part broken. I cycled through rage and hostility, paranoia, immense fear and nearly unbearable emotional pain, shame, humiliation, to the point that I wanted an emergency admission.
I think my Dad being here was a catalyst too. This teen part seems to always surface when I'm around my dad. She is very self harmy and suicidally depressed. She hasn't been this bad for years though. She is so alone and has no sense of options. She wants obliteration.

I switched though, at a point, she melted away and I began to feel empowered and regal, benevolent and secure in myself.

I love Nyah!

My teen is full of rage! Especially at herself. She is full of grief and cannot bare life, at all. I'm a little scared of her. She's very, very dark and destructive.
I think she might be a bit more healed and intergrated now though, I'm not fully sure. I disavowed her sense of powerlessness.

We will see how I go next time neighbor comes back over. I'm planning on making a powerful, boundaried presence, there is no other way I can proceed at this point.

Letting my guy deal with it, doesn't feel safe for me, but he says that he will, it's just that so far, he has let her do whatever she wants. I'm pretty sure he feels sorry for her as well as liking the female attention.
He admitted that a lot of woman find him attractive, but he's not interested in any of them, only me.

I do believe him, I just now have to show her that, if that's what's going on, that she's hopeful, that she hasn't a chance.

She needs to see us as a strong, unified couple. No more fighting over her and me feeling like absolute shit. It felt like it was killing me, last night and this morning. It nearly broke us up.
A really, really bad bout of being symptomatic. Yuck, aaaarrghhhh, uuuugh.

I'm ok now. I had to get myself together and be there for my guys. My guy, my dad, my son.
Feeling very tired though. I wish I could process all this, with time to myself. We have to drive to brisbane tomorrow to take my dad to a eye specialist.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry that happened. How scary!

I'm planning on making a powerful, boundaried presence, there is no other way I can proceed at this point.

This might be what she needs -- not for him to tell her to stay away but for you to draw the line: He. Is. Taken. Back off barbie! :)

Glad you are feeling better!

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so sorry that happened. How scary!

This might be what she needs -- not for him to tell her to stay away but for you to draw the line: He. Is. Taken. Back off barbie! :)

Glad you are feeling better!

That's funny, because she is skinny and blond. :-().
Thank goodness she has given us a break the last few days, mind you, my guy worked most of those days and yesterday we drove to brisbane. Still, no late night drop ins. It's the everyday thing of it, is what does me in, if it was just occasionally, I would be far less affected.

I really frightened myself, with that severe episode, the other night, but I've kept my shit together, since then.
So tired today though. Going up the coast took alot out of me. My dad is used to going out a lot, but it's a very taxing thing for me. I haven't gone into the village with him, once, yet, and I stupidly said I would today, but I don't feel up to it.
I noticed I defer my need's for my dad, as a habitual thing, I did it with my mother too, but it's a shitty-for-me habit. I didn't really feel well enough to have him up, but he wore me down with his plying me for "when, when, when?", so I thought, better to get it out of the way and then have a rest in hospital before christmas. I think we might go down to my partner's mum's for chrissy.
I do love my dad, but it's triggery for me, having him around, as my childhood and adolescence were really awful and I was neglected, terribly, probably partly because he has Aspergers, partly coz my mum is a total selfish borderline bitch and he was disempowered and bullied by her too, and partly because he was suicidally depressed for much of my early life and then married another (most likely) borderline bitch, who hated me, when I was 9. She did him over too, but gave him another daughter, who he became very busy with.
I fell through the cracks.

 

[mumstheword]

I do really like my dad as a person. He is a gentle, mild-mannered, thinking man, an intellectual. My mother used to say "you are so like your father " and I'm glad :)

He cares deeply, in a quiet, introverted manner, about people. He is the opposite of any kind of violent, abusive, pathological individual. He wishes he had of been able to be more there for me, in the past, and that he could help me out more, now. I told him "I think that's what good parents do. They always wish they could do more for their kid's" As opposed to not good parents, who always want more from their children, and see no reason to examine themselves and see if they are wanting, as parents.
My mother seems to think I owe her a cancelling out of my own feelings. To pretend. To trust her, without a solid reason for doing so.
Her violence, her emotional abuse, her constant shirking of responsibility and consideration for me. They take a lot of effort, to get over, and I'm not there yet. I have to grieve not having any kind of security or loving emotional kindness, in my childhood. Even staying close to my dad, so I could have regular access to him, would have ensured me a way better foundation and secure base to grow from, but no, that would have meant thinking of someone other than herself and being a responsible, kind, and good-enough parent.
I'm still really upset with you, mum.

 

[mumstheword]

Seven was when I nearly drowned.
Seven was being physically dragged out of bed every morning, at 5.30, while it was still dark.
Having a cold shower every morning, in the dark, while another girl screamed.

Not being parented by either parents for quite a good part of the year.

I think I was 7 when I got held under water, for ages, by a boy, too.

Hanging out with other girls who would have been being sexually abused, by the pedophile head swami, who I was scared of.

Having my head shaved.

Wanting to be left at the ashram, anyway, coz, more stability and care, even when free-ranging around everyday as part of a semi-wild tribe of kids.

Being bullied by a 14 year old boy (the one who literally pulled me out of bed in the dark, freezing morning, every morning).

Watching the resident crazy, guy "Mahatma" getting publically and traumatically dunked in the well, a few times.

My mum getting with the really violent guy, Andy.

Hatching out a chicken, that became my baby, that I had to leave, in a chicken coup, when we left Queensland, and my baby possibly got pecked to death, coz it was an outsider pullet. I watched it getting attacked, but had to leave it anyway.

Getting left with people, for weeks? or months? who were not great. They gave me marihuana, to smoke, I was 7!

The woman also physically attacked my mum when my mum came back (she went up to the top end -Townsville, I think, with I-forgot-which-boyfriend, while I stayed with the mean, hippy, weirdo lady and her family.

I had a weird semi-quasi sexual thing with her son, probably coz, early (so early I don't really remember any deets) sexual abuse.

Eventually my dad came up. He left his librarian job, in Melbourne, to come get me, but suffered from those horrible heart attack-imitating panic attack(s) and had to go back to working. That was scary too.

The guy, (Andy) mum got with was really violent. He also abandoned us in the middle of nowhere once (we didn't have a home, we were "travelling"), after a fight with my mum. He came back though.

 

[somerandomguy]

Oh Mums. That is so awful. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that.

 

[mumstheword]

Oh Mums. That is so awful. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that.

Thank you for your kind support, SRG :-) I really, really appreciate it.

Yes, growing up with a borderline mum was certainly eventful, and harrowing.

So, I'm really working on the self love and care.:-) it feels good.

 

[mumstheword]

So, at the moment, I don't have much time for many humans, at all, IRL.
I feel jaded, distrustful, avoidant, irritable, not open, wary, cranky (but I'm not going to take it out on my loved ones).
I don't feel happy about that neighbor thing, it's really taken it's toll.

 

[mumstheword]

I laugh, a lot, with my guy. We tease each other, and it's fun, very fun. :-().
I guess you could say, I have a good sense of humour? It's a bit wickedly naughty, but yeah, therapeutic and necessary, healthy, joyous and endocrinologically beneficial :-() it's one of the great things about our relationship. :-)