The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I haven't found out yet. They havent been together for lots of years @Swift.

I m not doing so great the last couple of days and I burnt both my hands last night. Now I'm groggy from the valium and oxy my guy gave me.
So frustrating the way I have to consider myself, these days.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling better.
Got a phone call from my Spesh son's Villa. He came out for youngest son's birthday. His dad told the Villa worker's that he would bring our son back in the morning. He didn't.
I was ranty and cross when I found out.
I tried to ring, to find out what happened. I couldn't get through to any of my kids or the home phone.
So we drove down there. On the way down, just up from their place, we passed them driving out. We were nearly there so we stopped in there. I wanted to make sure. My youngest daughter invited us in. I got to spend time with my two daughters and oldest son. :-)
I feel a lot better now.

 

[mumstheword]

I just watched True Story. About a narcissist who murdered his three children and wife.
Mine isn't that bad.
He wished I had died though. He tried to make me feel guilty for leaving instead of dying. He told me how disappointed he was that I had left instead of dying.
He said "Well I would have died, it would have been.the honerable way out."
I'm not sure our children would agree. My current partner would definitely.not agree.

He is responsible for driving a few people
insane.
He's boasted about one of them.

He's lucky no one has died on his watch, especially me. He's put me in deathly dangerous situations quite a few times, and our children too, at least 12 times, probably more. I'll provide details one day.

I know of one girl who has died, who he was "treating". No, he's not a trained anything medical, but has set himself up as one, with one medicine only. Pot.

He is someone who lies. You can't believe anything he says. He cares about one person only. Himself. I should know. I lived with him for 20 years. He lives for attention. For persuading people. For being admired.
He hates being called to account. Not being central and calling all the shots. He is just like a politician. That slippery. That good at lying. That grandiose. My son's psychiatrist saw his grandiosity. He told me.
But my kid's dad will never get a diagnosis. He thinks too highly of himself. He once said "ok, we'll go and see a psychiatrist. We'll see who the crazy one is". I didn't want to go, because it would have been an opportunity for him to do a massive gaslight on me, using a professional to damage me even more.

Narcissists lie. They lie to avoid being held accountable. They lie to destroy other's who want them to be accountable.

He once told my kid's doctor that I was a psychopath. That I torture our children. She saw through him. She told me. I was still with him at that stage.
Now my oldest daughter is telling me "He's changed mum." "He cares about you."
Excuse me, while I find that very hard to believe

 

[mumstheword]

Today I'm alone and feeling lost. Who am I now? I don't have my music career, my dance, my peer support work (other than here, but that doesn't really count, does it?)
My dad coming up knocked me for six, as it always does. I've put on weight, back to the drawing board on that one.
I'm lack.lustre about everything. Still feeling kind agoraphobic about this town and kind of about going out, in general.
But I'm lonely now. My guy is working. It's an overnight job, he's doing a moving job to quite a long way away. I think my kid is staying at his dad's tonight. I am sad. Too much time to ponder things I've lost or missed out on.
I don't want to be this sad sack of a person.
I need to move. I need to groove. I need to get my arse back to uni, next year.
I'm looking forward to going back to hospital.
Why is it that so much crap happened to knock me around?
I guess, poverty, mentally ill.parents, no roots, drug-filled upbringing, narcissists, being a "street kid", rapes, assaults, being a teen mum, never learning to drive, drug community, being a sensitive artistic type who wasn't nurtured much, lots of neglect, having a lot of children, having a disabled child, losing babies, health problems, living in regional Australia, ...stuff like that.
Now I just need to pick myself up, once again and get back to the business of being me, not a negative nellie, my own irrepressible brand of genius me. Don't let anything discourage me, even if shit's hard. Find a way to fly again. To triumph over adversity.
I don't have much in the way of a support network. But then, maybe I do?
I have work to do. A lot of it. that's all. Learning new things. Building my life up again.
I'll get there. I do have determination and the ability to rise up, again and again.
I'm just getting ready to climb the next mountain. That's all.

 

[Freida]

I don't want to be this sad sack of a person.

I would call you many things --- amazing, inspriational, loving, kind, a friend. But I would never call you a sad sack.

I'll get there. I do have determination and the ability to rise up, again and again.

I wish just once you could see how you appear to me. All the things you have lived thru and suffered and survived and yet you are still kind, loving and flat ass awesome. Just once I wish I could give you a mirror and have you see the truth.

 

[mumstheword]

I

I would call you many things --- amazing, inspirational, loving, kind, a friend. But I would never call you a sad sack.

I wish just once you could see how you appear to me. All the things you have lived thru and suffered and survived and yet you are still kind, loving and flat ass awesome. Just once I wish I could give you a mirror and have you see the truth.

I love you Freida. I think the same. You amaze me everyday. Your capacity to care, to give, to share, to be there for others, to keep going, even when plenty of other's would give up, but you, you inspire me beyond belief.

I had a breakthrough today.
Lately I felt utterly deflated at times. I've been reading here though and I read that thread about "Soul loss (?)". I am committed to this kind of shamanic approach due to much life experience, as well as some research. I pulled out my book "Soul Retrieval" by Sandra Ingerman.
I utterly recommend it.
I noticed that I've experienced this sense of soul loss and that I've also experienced soul retreival. Even recently. I burnt my hands a couple of days ago, and yesterday, I was so utterly devoid of motivation or ability to implement necessary self care yesterday. But lucky for me, my guy came home, unexpectedly and he, as usual, brought joy with his presence.
Today, I read a bit of Soul Retrieval and I felt that awareness of my growing self love and compassion, my "Enlightened Mother" aspect of self, I call her Nada, embracing me and promising me she/I would be kind to myself from now on. I felt that I am now committed to self love and care, unconditionally. Which is a big step. I felt a childlike wounded part, a part that felt unsafe and triggered with my dad here, coming back and feeling safe, because of my loving mother part.

I cried a bit, and it felt wonderful, because I was totally there for myself. It was my wounded child comforted by my beautiful higher self/ loving mother part.
So yeah, I had a healing/soul retreival experience earlier today.:-)

Now I have overexuberant 13 year old twins, my kid's friends, here, man, soooooo glad I don't have boy twins that have these guys very huge handfull personalities.

 

[ILoveLife]

Oh mums, the ptsd lens of yourself is sooooooooo wrong. Like, put those reality goggles I know you have, woman!
You're an amazing human being, an amazing mother, an amazingly strong and resilient woman.
What you endured didn't break you, just made you more aware of the shit reality of evil and that HURTS. But it says nothing about you.

LOVE YOU ALWAYS :hug:

 

[Juso]

Hey you, I am sorry that I have been so absent, but I am barely in my body ATM, and I don't know what to say. I am reading along and I am thinking of you often. You're wonderful and I love you.
❤

 

[mumstheword]

Love you guys!

 

[mumstheword]

What do you say when your child says
"I feel like murdering someone"
?
I said
"I don't understand that, I really can't fathom what that feels like."
And he said
"That's coz you're not a psychopath, mum".
????????
I mean, it's ok, I know he's just a kid and I need to just help him set up his gaming console, so he can kill pretend people, but, it kinda does my head in a bit.

 

[ILoveLife]

Is he in therapy mums? Sorry, I forgot.

 

[mumstheword]

Is he in therapy mums? Sorry, I forgot.

He's not, yet, Seitz. We made made movements towards it a year or so ago and it didn't work out. I talked to him about it recently. It's not the solution for now, but is something that may well have to happen sometime.
I'm pretty good at being that for him, at the moment.
We are looking at martial arts training and getting out in the bush and doing fun things, instead.
I am going to go for a walk with him this afternoon (hopefully) . He'll be ok (fingers crossed) he's not emotionally neglected and abused like his dad was.
Once a friend (who I worked with musically on and off, for twenty years) said "Your kid's will be ok N..., they have your genes". I'm putting my faith in that being true.