The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So ...he didn't come, but we made a new arrangement for tomorrow lunch.
I'm feeling good that we're connecting though.
I've started posting on the Autism/Aspergers forum and I feel really at home there too.
Now I have two online home/communities that accept me.
That's way more than I've ever had in real life.
I'm happy with my quiet life, my relationship and how far things have progressed with my children.:-)
I'm happy with myself as a mother and a partner.:-)
I'm happy with my recovery progress.:-)
That's pretty good, for now.:-) :-) :-)

 

[somerandomguy]

More than pretty good, Mums ... It's pretty great!

 

[mumstheword]

Today I really had that spell of how it was as a teen.
I'm not there to go into it yet. Still just hitting prepuberty tweens.
11
Eleven was my drug addicted step father threatening to kill me with a hack saw because my mum flushed his drugs down the toilet, he attacked her, I tried to defend her, he held us both down and hit us and I kicked him. That's when he picked up the hack saw, saying "Now I'm really angry". I don't remember what happened after that.
He left. Went into rehab again.
Mum got a new boyfriend. I woke up in the room that they were in bed together naked and I totally lost my shit. Crying hysterically. I had my first proper "breakdown" type meltdown. Mum still made me go to school that day. I think that was the onset of PTSD for me.

 

[littleoc]

:hug:

 

[Freida]

oh mums.... i'm just speechless. Your poor little little. :( :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I'm back ...wiped out. Went out with my guy yesterday. His boss had a barbeque. So I met his family and friends.
My guy was thrilled that I went. It was so touching.
I liked it. They were nice people. It was very different for me, because everyone was so "normal", very mixed, ethnicity-wise, which I really enjoyed.
I have always had friends and people around me like that. This was a very "well-adapted" crew though. Little kids and babies and parents and my guy's bosses ma, so a grandmother; a very family affair.. We were very well accepted which was really, really lovely.
I'm so exhausted-in-the-head today though. I've had an extended sleep.

I also hosted my kid's up for lunch the day before; my eldest (son) and my youngest daughter and her boyfriend.
I had to cook for gluten free and dairy free and vegetarian and non vegetarian and yeah, I did well.
My oldest son is deeply depressed but I think he felt a little better for it.
I havent rung him since, but he's on my mind a lot.

 

[mumstheword]

I've noticed that my cerebral functioning is waaay depreciated these days. It's like my neurons are burnt out, in some way.
I don't love it.
Life has used me up, in a big way. I hope I get another lease on life. I hope this isn't "it".

 

[littleoc]

It doesn't seem like "it" to me. PTSD is exhausting. That, and finding out about the Aspergers. And everything else that's going on. You've been worn out with worry lately, you know. I'm sure it feels beyond exhausting.

Many, many hugs, mums. :hug:

 

[Freida]

You've been worn out with worry lately, you know. I'm sure it feels beyond exhausting.

This! ^^^^ :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Yep. Beyond exhausting sounds pretty fitting. Thanks for the feedback, support and understanding @littleoc & @Freida

 

[mumstheword]

My guy has the day off, yay! I only have this week and then I am off to hospital for another 3 week program.

I have been.sooooo bitter, ruminating about my ex and my.mum and how they have damaged me.

It's funny, all the men that abused me in my childhood and teens - I don't really have much in the way of feelings about any of them. I think I expected that kind of abuse from such a young age, I didn't give it much thought, it was a given, but my mum? I feel sooooo betrayed by her. And my ex? Even worse.

It hurts. A lot.

I wonder if I will ever recover?

If I can learn to "expect" good treatment?

I have made good progress, loving and feeling supported by my guy. He is the best person I have ever met. He is, literally, a life saver, my life saver. I am soooooo grateful and fortunate to have him around.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

So, anytime the neighbor comes around at 10.00pm, I get a bit on the triggered side. Not as bad as earlier...before but, she came round tonight, like she used to, heaps, a lot, all the time, hasn't much for a good while. I'm ok, the exposure therapy of it seems to be working, I'm really just a bit cranky about it and I've decided, I don't like her. I just don't like her.