The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

My birthday son is coming over for dinner and to stay the night!

I am weirdly spacey, dissociatively so.

My T stuffed up on me. I waited an hour for her and she had stuffed up and mixed up the time.
I left and we organized to try again, next monday.
I wasn't feeling up to it anyway.

This is a weird not-fully-with-it-or-functional state.

It started before my son told me he planned to stay and have dinner here.
He is sending me lots of love via texts.

I almost need to shut right down and sleep but I can't, it won't help.
I'm not really sure what is happening to me, but it's kind of surreal, depersonalized and derealised as well as tired, clumsy, brain-tardy and really, really spaced out.

 

[Freida]

I'm not really sure what is happening to me, but it's kind of surreal, depersonalized and derealised as well as tired, clumsy, brain-tardy and really, really spaced out.

Happiness maybe???

 

[mumstheword]

Happiness maybe???

It was a very happy, full circle occasion having my birthday boy up :-) There was him and one of his/their friends and my two daughters.
It was lovely!
Me and my big girl whipped up a feast.:-)-

There was lots of laughter and talking.

Who imagined this would ever happen, not that long ago????

So yeah. I am happy about this outcome.
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[Freida]

Me too mums! You deserve this!!!

 

[mumstheword]

I couldn't answer the door just now though.
I won't even go and get things from my front fridge, in the car port, if the neighbor kids are playing too close to my place.
That's lame.

I did get a call back from PIR -Partners in Recovery, apparently they aren't taking clients. They referred me to another program called "footprints 2 wellness".
I did an intake interview with them. Apparently they will get back to me within 5 days.
I told them I need help with my social avoidance.
So, we shall see, how that might go, if they can help me at all.
I am making little inroads.
I've gone down to the post office quite a few times lately.
But yesterday, shopping, I really spaced out into dissociation land.
Worse than I've been for ages, except I've not had to be very social, except kid's coming by and just my guy, who I trust and my dad, who I had to host for a week
Or so.
And this new T who I've been freaking out over.
So yeah, that is my struggle. Hard going, like everyone else's. I've come a long, long way, but there's still a way to go, yet.

I'm focusing on family, art and yoga. And therapy of course, the ever needed and more therapy. ....sigh....
It's paying off though :-)

 

[mumstheword]

Me too mums! You deserve this!!!

Thanks Freids :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) love ya!!!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

I have crazy, mean, child abusing neighbors.
I really can't stand them.
I have no idea what to do about it.
I don't even want to pray for them.
I should, but, I don't.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm kinda despising myself for not being able to stand my horrible neighbor's.
Living here, my last place, living with my kid's dad, living at my folks, all full of not-good people, like heaps of horrible people, I just want to get away from horrible people. The kids are gonna get messed up though, and it's really, really hard to watch children getting ...messed up...Aaaaaasrrghhhhh.....faaaaaarrrrk.
I farling hate this fassrked up shit.

My arsehole neighbor was screeeeeasaming and swearing at her children, particularly her my-kid's-age boy tonight, 10.00 at night. Plus she has a 5 year old.
WAT THA FAR bloody out k????????
I'm f*cking sick of arseholes.
I think I am an arsehole for this situation.
Damn, I don't like myself for leaving children to get screwed over.
I'm an arsehole.

 

[mumstheword]

I did 20 minutes of bedtime yoga.
I feel way less of an arsehole when I do yoga.
Night night

 

[mumstheword]

The thing with my neighbors was pretty much an inevitability.
I'm pretty sure she has a personality disorder.
She has done a lot of messed up shit to us, over the years.
I doubt I would have ended up in inpatients without her influence in my life.

I mean, it's not my problem, she has stopped targeting us. I just feel like I am sitting idly by while children's lives are being ruined.
It feels horrible.
I guess, my kid, who has to hear it, although he tries to tune it out, would be appreciating me, even more, knowing what kind of nightmare mother I could be.

Like the one I had.

My kid thinks I'm a good and brave person. I'm grateful for that.

In the past, my kid's, especially the two I'm seeing more of, thought I was, like, mrs devil incarnate, thanks to the brainwashing by their dad.
My oldest daughter brought up brainwashing, in reference to her dad, the other day. Too right.
He IS a brainwasher.

My life isn't bad, at the moment, even though we are very broke from helping our kid's out and keeping a vehicle on the road.

I am grateful for my life.
I can't do as much as I might like, but I'm doing good things anyway.
I'm committing to my yogic journey and that is something I'm very excited and feel good about.:-).

 

[mumstheword]

It is very, very, smokey here today.
The sky is red.
Sooooo. Many. Fires.
Lit by arsonists. I'm still blaming the arsehole feminist with the moustache on ABC the day before my country started burning up, telling other arsehole feminists to "burn it down" (the "patriarchy", that is). I hope we, as a country get to witness the ABC getting sued out of business and that arsehole getting thrown in jail, but, I doubt it.

Seriously, my country is under seige by arsehole feminists.

I mean, most of the arsonists must be teenagers or something, but I bet they are trying to do the bidding of that arsehole. She brought "race" into it too, apparently she is aboriginal .

I checked the fires status just now ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE FIRES burning up my state.

 

[mumstheword]

Screeeeaaaaming, screeeeeaaaming, screeeeaaming neighbor again this morning.
She is utterly insane.
My body is adrenalised. I am not as badly affected as I used to be though.
The "exposure therapy" of it all, seems to be working.
Still, it is a thing that would stress out or upset any "normal" person, and I have CPTSD sooooo, yeah, it's a bitch to have to be subject to this.