The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Yeah, just screaming eff off, eff off, eff off to her kid.
I am ok, though. I vented here, and I'm ok.
I fed my kid eggs and toast, I ate too. It's stopped.
I am good. The yoga is the best thing for my nervous system!
I'm not even tired like I often am, first thing.
I have made a lot of progress.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

I watched some of "Dr Grande"s youtube diagnosic stuff.
Stuff on personality disorders, "the dark triad" and the "dark quadrad". Very emotionally dysregulating. "The sadistic husband" very upsetting because it's totally my kid's dad's treatment of me.
So the "dark triad" is narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellian traits and the "dark quadrad" is that with the sadism added. I'm feeling really, really, upset, I'm teary, writing this, because that's him.

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!
This is so hard.
This life. These people. That man. So hard. So painful. So frightening.
I couldn't watch all the last one, about the triad and quadrad and why narcissism is dangerous. I know it too well.
People, @ninja and the people who say, you can't ruin people, children, I don't know that you have been under the complete control of a dark quadrad person for 20-30 years. Coz they can and do ruin people.


My son could easily be destroyed. People's psyche's aren't invincible.
I can't do any more of that person. He, did, very nearly destroy me.
I mean, ultimately, "God" "Love" "Highest Wisdom and Order" can restore, but, I don't know that people can't be destroyed by dark quadrad people.
One friend, really, an exploitative friend, but anyway, I did have some fun with her, over many years, playing music together, she said to me, after I left "Don't worry, they have your genes, they will be ok".
Well, my oldest, most definitely isn't ok.
He has to pull away, to have any chance of being ok. That man is a sadist, a narcissist, a psychopath, a psychic vampire and he IS ruining my children, making not irredeemably, but systematically and he is very, very dangerous and this is a scary, scary, terrible, terrifying situation.

 

[mumstheword]

I was rereading an old journal, and it mentioned and reminded me of how he said to me, his excuse for having no compassion (for me) was because "I cried too much".
Huh????
Like, I don't have compassion for you because you are in too much emotional pain.

Mind you, this was towards the end.

The extreme stress of being so shattered and broken down and, literally, dying, as a result, and knowing I would have to, but couldn't, leave my children, with this person, who could excuse himself from compassion, if the person (me) was too distressed.

I was, literally, begging him, to admit me, to a psychiatric hospital.
But, no. I really think he wanted me dead.
Later on, he alluded to this, that he resented me for not dying. That I was immoral for leaving, rather than dying.
That he was morally superior to me, because, according to him, HE would have died, rather than leave.
But, he is a compulsive liar.
In reality, he wouldn't do anything for anyone that isn't self-serving.

 

[ninja]

@mumstheword I'm sorry-- I absolutely did not intend to invalidate or minimize your experiences, or your children's... or to underestimate the massive amount of damage that others can do. My sincerest apologies. :(

It's just that when I read you I simply do not see ruined.
I see pain, horrendous trauma, anger, grief--yes.
I also see such a strong human spirit. I see someone who is fighting and claiming their truth. And fighting for the rights for her children to be able to do the same. I see someone with compassion, insight, honesty. I see someone who has so much love for her partner, her children, and increasingly, for herself.

 

[Freida]

I gotta say I agree with @ninja.

I don't think people can be ruined because that implies no way back, no hope for recovery, no future.

You and your kids are perfect examples that this is not true. You were abused, damaged, maybe even a bit broken by a horrible, horrible monster of a person. But you weren't ruined. You weren't without hope. You had a future - in spite of what you went thru.

You have fought you way back. You have done the work to heal, to realize that you are worth so much more than you thought, that you can do so much good in the world that you never believed you could..

And you somehow taught your children that -- how to recover from these horrific things and become the people they were meant to be. Yes, they are still struggling and they still have some major wounds in their souls. But they aren't ruined. They are just a bit dusty and dented.
Because of you.
YOU are showing them that abuse doesn't equal the final result.
YOU are showing them -- they can have a future
YOU.

 

[mumstheword]

You guys @ninja and @Freida, are too kind to me. That is really, really lovely, what you said to me.
It helps.
It helps me loosen the hold of the fear and the "mental, psychological torture" thing. When people hurt your children, it's a special kind of torture.
I AM ok. I AM NOT RUINED, even though I've been.through SO MUCH and some of it, lots of it, has been REALLY HARD GOING. But I AM STRONG and my children are strong too. They WILL and ARE making it.
Nobody died. Nobody is irredeemably ruined. Some are in pretty rough shape, my oldest two are turning out to be the worst damaged, but my autistic son was born autistic, so, considering, he still has a pretty decent life. I got him out. I got him good services and protection and lifetime support. He has a life that he enjoys. He isn't in the state he was. Someone said to me once, They had never seen a young person in such bad shape, as him, and I got him sorted.

So my oldest can and WILL make it through too.

I can and do, do a good job, as a mum, when given the opportunity.
I'm a very loving mum.
My autistic son's psychiatrist, once said, with admiration for me "what would have happened if you were just a normal person?" I said "I AM a normal person" but he meant, that I am extraordinary at the job of getting my son excellent support and "wrap around" services.
I trained, I listened, I studied, I advocated, I acted, I applied, I investigated, I fought for him, a lot, and it paid off. He is ok now.

So I can help my oldest, as soon as he comes to me, I will be there and I will do a good, mum job.
Thank you guys. I love you guys @Freida and @ninja.It helps, you reminding me. I've got this.:-) (still teary, but better).

 

[ninja]

:hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

My oldest son rang me. He rang because he had a cancer scare but it's all clear. I knew he would be ok, in that regard. He didn't want to talk long but just to tell me that.

I had lunch with my autistic son. He is doing soooo well!!!!
He just got his dream job :).

He is really healthy and happy. :):):):)

I got over a skin cancer early this year. Not a big deal. I didn't get it chopped out. I use a natural product, black salve. I've gotten rid of 3 skin cancers so far.

I am struggling a bit. Went into town, to see my son, it was hard being in town, but seeing my son was good. Then my youngest son came in and we did some shopping. I did better than the last time, when I struggled with dissociation.
I did some of a special "PTSD yoga" routine before I went. It helped.

Tomorrow I will do lots more yoga and a bit of art. Yay! Those things get me through these days, so I can be my best self for my family.

 

[mumstheword]

I know I'm going to have to go into all the sexual predation and rapes sometime ...sigh...I mean, I can feel It's getting closer, but I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.
It makes me sick, want to start bawling, and run and hide away, never to be seen again.

Super early stuff, I don't even know, what happened, but it was damaging, I know. The aftermath shows me that.

I was thinking about the messed up confusion of having children with someone, who, for all intents and purposes, sex slaved me. As a teen/child. I had a developed body, but, I was actually a shattered, zombied, traumatized, autistic child. I was a raped, homeless, abused, assaulted, neglected, Greta Thunberg.

I watched a thing about the ranch that Epstein ran, where he took "his" teen girls that he wanted to breed with.
Boy did that bring up some REALLY YUCKY FEELINGS; I've been there feelings. No, I haven't been, literally, to Epstein's ranch, but I have been put in the same situation, only I was dirt poor and worked really, really hard, in other ways as well as a womb and a vagina on legs. More a slave than a paid teen sex worker.
So yeah, really, really, totally crap.

I knew to NEVER say no to him. Once, after giving birth to 4 babies in 5 years, born on the road, every one of them. We were on tour, again.

After I had to get up, straight away, days after giving birth and go into a recording studio, I left asleep, during sex. I was that freaking exhausted. We were travelling, and I was supposed to go and perform somewhere, but I couldn't move, I was too exhausted, so, he decided to have sex with me and I couldn't stay awake. Boy, did he lose his shit, the screaming at me, the abuse.

I had also been told never to come between him and his music. His music, and him came first, without condition. Not me, not any of the children mattered as much as him, and his music.
This played out in many, many, ways over all the years. Now he has replaced music with his drug of choice and his "heroic business" peddling his drug of choice. And the children know that that comes first, no matter what.

I had a dream with him in it last night. Yuck, absolutely yuck.:-(

 

[mumstheword]

The reason I'm messed up about my kid going into psychosis, while at his dad's is that his dad is fully narcissistic. Its no place for anyone who is psychotically ill to be, under control of a narcissistic person.

My son has to matter, FOR HIMSELF, not look to his Dad to help him feel he matters. He doesn't matter to his dad, no one does unless they are a source of narcissistic supply and that is not mattering at all, that is being an object of supply, to be disgarded when you don't supply the narcissist with what they want from you.

He hasn't yet won the battle, he will have to disengage from his dad, to start healing.

You can't heal and be subject to a narcissist. They are a false self, nothing about them is authentic or honest, so they can never treat you like you are real either.

No wonder my kid has no real sense of reality, the gaslighting of a narcissist dislodges all sense of reality. All of my kid's have to be red pilled, regarding their father. There is no other way to start healing from the damage of his toxic, vindictive and exploitative influence, but to disengage.

Most of my kid's are, at least, part way free of his puppet mastering, as they have other healthy relationships happening, even though they are still hooked.into the " recreational" drug lifestyle that he insists everyone around him must indulge in (one of his favourite ploys to control everyone around him) .

The sad fact is, it's a vicious circle/cycle, as you can't live with him without needing numbing, emotional pain medicating, to alleviate the pain of being in relationship with him.
As soon as you get clean, he will double down on the narcissistic abuse of triangulating, nasty belittling, character assassination, encouraging other's to exploit you and undermine you, constant oppositional defiance hostility (much like a rude, spoilt and out of control teenager) and rejection, but, I think that I copped it worse than the kid's in a way, well not my autistic son, he was very scapegoated, but my oldest daughter hasn't gotten as bad a wrap as I did. I think, maybe, it's a subtler, long term game, he's got going on there. But she just leaves, and comes to my house, hurt, but not broken.

My oldest son, is the most vulnerable and, presently, targeted for maximum, narcissistic supply, so I worry, a lot, because he's so worn down and conflicted and not at all red pilled, where his dad is concerned.

I hope he can break free before it kills him.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling overwhelmed and resistant to doing functional stuff.
Trump news is too fascinating. American Thought Leaders is a fascinating youtube channel. Watching an interview with a historian that wrote a book about POTUS and his family. Doug Wead. It's brilliant.

I WILL do, at the very least, some restorative yoga.

 

[mumstheword]

So, dealing with the fact that I have Aspergers. It's a really mixed bag.

I hate that I have the co mobidity of
c-PTSD. It makes the social side of life super, ridiculously difficult.

I am very, very bad at extending myself to friends and extended family, with the co morbidity thingy.

I can't be as not honest as most people expect, to be "socially normal".

I can't stand it. I also really, really HATE hurting people's feelings and so avoiding making friends is less risky.

Spergers would have been barable, without the cptsd.

Women and girls on the spectrum aren't very understood, way less than dudes, in general.
It's pretty frustrating.

On an up note, IT RAINED TONIGHT!!!! :):):):):):):) Which is suuuuper exciting because it's been a horrible drought and all the fires are still burning.:):):):):):)