The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

I can't rescue my son and it's driving me crazy again.

True - you cant "rescue" him. But what you can do is create a safe space for him when hes ready. Just like you've done with your other kids.

Look around the forum. How many people here would have been ok -even with the horrible traumas they've endured-if they had just had someone who cared afterwards? That's the key. Not "saving" them. Helping them recover.

That is where your skills lay. To be the person who helps them heal.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Freida. I love you. Is that an inappropriate thing to say? If so I apologize. I am so grateful to you.
I am comforted by the thought of being here, when he's ready.

 

[mumstheword]

Not doing very well today.
Been in bed all day, except I did eat.
Nervous system is feeling rubbish.
Emotions are...sad, weepy, stressed, activated, in an anxious way. I miss my guy, he isn't here right now.
I feel pretty unsafe, here on the site, except for a few people, thank you to those people.
New T tomorrow, the one I'm nervous and doubtful about. The English one.
Ny 24 yr old said he'd come up yesterday. He didn't.
I feel exhausted and enervated. Oh well, this too will pass.

 

[ninja]

Sending support :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @ninja :-)

 

[mumstheword]

I have my son and his boyfriend up. They needed a break from the dad house. They are sweet, gay boys. I love them very much.

My kid's bf is great in the kitchen :) . He already went shopping for us and offered tp cook dinner. Sweet guy. Only 19 and as mothery (in a kind, nurturing, good cook kind of way) as I am.

My son is pretty burnt out and exhausted from the stress of living at his dad's, but is enjoying the laid back, quiet armosphere here, I think.

I love having my kid's around, especially when they are able to relax and enjoy it here :).

 

[mumstheword]

It's really smoky here today. Fires still burning throughout the land.
My head is fog.
Yesterday was very emotional, at a point.
I feel unsafe when my ex is acting like a human and he was, towards my guy.
Its good though right?
My guy helped out, after my ex asked him if he could drive my other middle son (24 yr old) to look at a car, he is thinking of buying.
Because my ex can't leave my oldest at home alone.
My guy said it was a good exchange.

And my oldest told my guy to tell me he loves me.
Man, I'm teary, again.
Maybe my ex has learnt something from all the previous screw up, with people's sanity?
Maybe all the children I bore him are slowing but surely opening his heart, in a way, I never could?
I do hope so, for my kid's sake.

 

[mumstheword]

I cancelled the english T. Just texted her saying I wasn't going to see her. I tried to nicely explain how I needed someone experienced in the field. She already told me she was, primarily, an academic.

She made so many mistakes.

From the onset she showed lack of organisation and clarity.

She rang me back to organise an appointment, after left a voice mail, we organised a time, then she rang me two weeks later, after she forgot that she had already spoken to me and lined up an appointment.

She upset me, with her implied judgement with her pointed, loaded questions, about me wanting another baby/babies, when I saw her ...

And then, she stood me up, the following week.

I was going to proceed, but it just felt bad. I tried, twice. I cancelled the first rescheduled appointment, and then, was supposed to go yesterday, but, it just felt so wrong, so I texted her.

My boys (boy and bf) had just gotten here and she rang me. I didn't answer. I just couldn't deal with talking to her.

On the upside, I have an appointment sheduled with a T from an org that I was seeing someone through, who left, and it was messy. This lady rang me and offered me T and she sounded really lovely.
I have an appointment scheduled for monday week.
In contrast to the other T, this one was very attentive, very warm, very positive and she straight away sent me a confirmation text with my appointment time and a sweet message, saying she was looking forward to meeting me.

I believe her.

I am, equally, excited to meet her.

 

[Sideways]

It's nice having so much respect for a person, and knowing somehow that it's mutual, that we can share polarising political views with each other and not have it matter an iota:hug:

I hope the fires are under control in your area. I hope they stay that way for the remainder of summer.

 

[Freida]

Gotta say I'm seeing some really big growth here -- because I'm not sure that you could have changed Ts a couple years ago. I'm wondering if you would have felt like you deserved to have a better one, if you would have believed that you were worthy of finding someone who worked better with you, and if you would have had the courage to tell the one you didn't like that you were leaving her.

I mean - wow. That's some pretty intense stuff right there!

 

[mumstheword]

I am growing @Freida. I am :-)
My last gp taught me you are allowed to change T's. Nobody ever told me that before. I wasn't sure, because, I am not having to pay for the T, that I could choose. This time though, it just felt not right, I couldn't bring myself to go back, I'm not sure I could've gone back anyway, even if it meant no T.

 

[mumstheword]

I was very low this morning. It has to do with something my 24 yr old son said yesterday and the situation with my oldest son. Very triggering. I hid it. I gave him a foot massage. But after he left I was a mess, still managed ro make dinner and be a good partner and mum, but I drank to much red wine and burnt the sweet potatoes.
This morning I felt very depressed. Stayed in bed until 11. Then I did a better thing, took my yoga book and some mango and read on the verandah. The boys came down and I was reading and tears just leaking down my face. I didn't say much to them. Just the pleasantries of good morning and did you sleep ok.

They have gone down to the shops. Before they left my boy, my 21 yr old gave me a long hug. I have finally stopped crying since they left.
My yoga book is good, is positive.

Will I ever get the narcissistic abuse soul wounds healed?
37 year of direct narcissistic abuse and me an autistic empath.
This morning I was feeling like I wish I had never been born.
Then my self love and compassion habits kicked in. My gratitude that I have a loving partner. My happiness to have my children back.So that colours my sadness, grief, the haunting of .narcissism, the long time needed to forge a sense of self that isn't some rag doll for nasty, emotionally cruel, incredibly selfish and cowardly people.


I resisted them both, but boy, did they hurt me for it. It's like, why did I allow that? Because I was born to someone who is very damaged and perpetuated that kind of dynamic because how could I have known any better? But it HURTS SO MUCH.

I wasn't treated like a person. I was a hollow shell where a person should have been. I was a primitive animal, just doing what I had to to survive.
I was set up, so badly.

I am still being framed by the narcissists to be the bad guy, the crazy one, I am the fall guy.

But my kid's feel like being around me. I give them support and I am genuine with them. To a degree. There is stuff I have to hide from them. They need me to leave the elephant in the room. The narcissistic elephant must not be named. I can dance around it, with much diplomacy, but I can't be blatant.

I can't "say it how it is", my perspective.

He is very machiavellian. I marvel at his manipulative ability. He is a very "slow cooker" like cooking the frog, the water heats up very slowly. This kind of abuse is so insidious and covert.

But my boy is staying here, with his boyfriend, still. I, maybe, stupidly, said they could stay as long as they want, but I don't know if I can put them up indefinitely. I probably can. But it is a little hard. We have a very tiny house.

I crave my alone time. I really need it. It is like food and water, to me. And I am pretty poor and still wounded. Still quite wounded.

We like our time to ourselves. Me and my guy. We aren't super social people. I think it's just because we have been through so much cruelty and exploitation. And our Aspergers.