The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

I'm sorry, I know I obsessing about this. I feel so bad, so guilty that I am not down there.

You have nothing to be sorry for! You are a mom whose kid is in pain - of course you are obsessing.

The minute you get a call from your son that the older son is in the middle of a psychotic episode? You call the police to do a welfare check, and advise them that weed is being provided by his current carer to manage the condition.

It's gotten to the point where the police have been called out, a few times, in regards to my second born, who goes over there for weekends, because he won't or doesn't, give him his medication.

Keep calling them - but next time ask for them to call you after they leave the scene. Then you can ask about getting him help based on what they saw in him -- not his dad.

So this is a very delicate operation, like getting someone out of a cult. I can't do it without my other kid's on board.

Yep.

Another thought? Your ex is a monster. I know you know that -- but I'm not sure you really know/know it.
He. Is. A. Monster.
So how do you fight a monster?
You take away his power - which is what you are doing with every kid you take away from him.
Can you even imagine how that must make him nuts? He has done EVERYTHING he could to destroy you, destroy your belief in yourself, destroy your relationship with you kids.

and he failed.
Read that again
He. Failed.

Do you have issues? oh ya.
Are you destroyed? Nope. In fact you have a pretty good life, with a new guy and a new outlook on life
Did he destroy your belief in yourself? For a while maybe, but look at where you are now. You believe you have the power to help your kids, to make their lives better, to make your life better
Did he destroy your relationship with your kids? Nope. Because they are still in your life, and the bond is getting stronger, not weaker.

That has got to piss him off
Because
He Failed.

Just sayin.... :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

You have nothing to be sorry for! You are a mom whose kid is in pain - of course you are obsessing.


Keep calling them - but next time ask for them to call you after they leave the scene. Then you can ask about getting him help based on what they saw in him -- not his dad.

Yep.

Another thought? Your ex is a monster. I know you know that -- but I'm not sure you really know/know it.
He. Is. A. Monster.
So how do you fight a monster?
You take away his power - which is what you are doing with every kid you take away from him.
Can you even imagine how that must make him nuts? He has done EVERYTHING he could to destroy you, destroy your belief in yourself, destroy your relationship with you kids.

and he failed.
Read that again
He. Failed.

Do you have issues? oh ya.
Are you destroyed? Nope. In fact you have a pretty good life, with a new guy and a new outlook on life
Did he destroy your belief in yourself? For a while maybe, but look at where you are now. You believe you have the power to help your kids, to make their lives better, to make your life better
Did he destroy your relationship with your kids? Nope. Because they are still in your life, and the bond is getting stronger, not weaker.

That has got to piss him off
Because
He Failed.

Just sayin.... :hug:

I'll have to get back to you on that. I'm just so scared, whst he will do to my son.
Do you know these kinds of people are consummate liars?
I don't know if he has some evil entity sharing his skin. I just don't know.

I am scared and worried for my kid but I just keep praying. God will find a way.

Thank for the validation. It's true, my kid's love me, I have to not do anything that he can screw that up with, though.

Here, police are considered "the enemy" that's what my ex has tried to instill in my kid's. Lots of people here agree. He is a bit of a big shot around here. A bit of a local "drug lord" only he dresses it up as if he is a "Medicine man". He is well respected by a lot of the weed culture locals which is a lot of people. Remember, the only festival we have in my town is Mardi Grass, it is a huge celebration of weed and weed culture. People come from all around the country and even overseas to come to it.

So to call the police is not something you do, unless, it's reeeeeeaaaallly the thing to do.
I have called the police on him before, but only once I think.
The rest of the time it is "the villa" who has, who the gov put in charge of my second born's care.

I tried to get the constabulary involved about the "giving my kid's weed" thing, but they told me it was just "hearsay" and to go to court. I did, but my lawyer ended up being a predatory asshat who didn't care and was more interested in trying to bed me.



Update; I just got a call from my big daugher. The intervention is under way!!!!
I will elicidate further later.:-) :-) :-) :-) This is it folks, operation Rescue Oldest Son From Narc Dad, is underway.

Wish us luck folks.

 

[Sideways]

You got this, don't give up Mamma Bear:)

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you lovely @Sideways! (You are lovely, do you know that? I've the suspicion that you don't properly know how lovely you are, and it's a bit saddening, but, you are, and I've, even, actually, met you, so, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about).

It's so good to be able to talk to my big girl, who is 25 now, and a very wise, strong, sensitive, beautiful, compassionate, young woman, she is.

If anyone can lead the charge, it is her, with her brother's and I supporting her.
I didn't ask her to go over and talk to her big brother about going into the clinic, she suggested it.

I have an idea to get him private health cover and to get him into Currumbin, but, for now, he just needs to stabilize, and to do that, he needs to get away from the dad and the pot.

So, I'm not expecting it to be smooth and without complications, but, all the other kid's are with me, we are all on the same page, so the tide is, definitely, turning, and, in a way, the worst, is already over.

Not for my big boy, maybe, his mind is still partly, not his own, but, even he, loves me, and says so, so that is a good sign.

@Freida is right.

The gig's up douchbag, give it up, your ruse is up, we are all on to you. You failed. You lost, you didn't destroy my relationship with my grown up babies, my darlings, my children. You haven't destroyed any of us. We, might be, damaged by you, but we are still intact enought to know reality from non reality, most of us, and, you, Sir, are not living in reality, but in your own deluded, grandious fantasy of your own superiority, superhero-ness and higher morality, while you hurt the people you claim to care about.

The proof cannot be denied, it is too obvious and all of your kid's are on to you.


My daughter used the term "brainwashing" in regards to her Dad.
She is so grateful, she got busted driving stoned, and, gave up weed, she knows she wouldn't be this clear and this empowered and this free of her dad's sickminded mind control, if she hasn't given up the fogging effects of the drug, her dad used in his quest for ultimate control and narcissistic supply.

 

[Freida]

The gig's up douchbag, give it up, your ruse is up, we are all on to you. You failed. You lost, you didn't destroy my relationship with my grown up babies, my darlings, my children. You haven't destroyed any of us. We, might be, damaged by you, but we are still intact enought to know reality from non reality, most of us, and, you, Sir, are not living in reality, but in your own deluded, grandious fantasy of your own superiority, superhero-ness and higher morality, while you hurt the people you claim to care about.
The proof cannot be denied, it is too obvious and all of your kid's are on to you.
My

do you have any idea how thrilled I am to see you write this?!?!? Holy! Crap!!!!!!! This deserve some serious celebration!!! ???

 

[mumstheword]

do you have any idea how thrilled I am to see you write this?!?!? Holy! Crap!!!!!!! This deserve some serious celebration!!! ???

Thanks Freids.:)
I guess it is pretty good :).
24 yr old came up yesterday. We are taking him for a 4 hour drive down south to pick up a 4 wheel drive ute, he's buying.
He's so keen, he just texted me, before 7am, saying he'll be up as soon as we're up.:)
So I had my 3 boys hanging out here last night.
He and youngest were on my bed, talking video games, relaxed and happy, so good to see!!!! :):):):)
On the weekend I had my 4 youngest boys here together.
We just have to get oldest sorted and then everyone's and I will be one united family again.:)
24 yr old said to me, not that long ago, that he couldn't see that happening unless dad died, but it's looking like it will be a lot sooner than.that, maybe.
:)
Got to get oldest on board though, he's my current problem child.
But he's so acutely unwell, I can't see the dad handling it for much.longer.
Oldest daughter says he's wearing out.
He doesn't realise he's lost, yet, but it's only a matter of time before he has to totally let go.

That ship has, already, set sail..

 

[mumstheword]

My 24 yr old is set to escape his dad's codependent grip.
He got a mitsubishi ute yesterday. So stoked!
We had to drive for 5 hrs, through drought and fire ravaged country to get it, but the smile on his face, when he did, was worth it!
We stopped to look at my guy's old home (he bought it), that he lost to his narcy ex. She had lied to him and told him it burnt down, but it didn't.

It was nice, the place, that is

His ex? Not so much.

The loss still burns him a bit. She looted all his stuff, got him charged with stuff that she did to him (violence), denied him access to his daughter and tried to run him over, after she had slept with his brother and he finally walked out.

We were both burning, a bit, over our narcy exs, but, all in all, it was a good day.

 

[mumstheword]

We have bulldozing going on behind our place. Not sure if it's new development related or fire management plan related.

(Crazy) neighbor just came over, I avoid her, but my guy doesn't. I think she's getting him to put ribbons on trees that she doesn't want destroyed.

I don't want them destroyed either, but it's not our land. I can't see how it would be legal to do such a thing.

I heard her at the door, all frantic sounding; triggering for me, on top of the stress over the bulldozing. I hid in the bathroom. Then she came back over with ribbons and scissors and he took off with her.

This is the woman who attacked him, physically, because he wouldn't let her tip our bin over, and then tried to have him charged with an "apprehended violence order" which was thrown out of court, all the while I was miscarrying our 3-4 month old girl baby foetus, in early 2017.

This is the one who screams at her son "eff off" almost daily.

...sigh....

Oh well, I hope they can stop the destruction of our very beautiful trees, that are important habitat and green screen trees, out the back of our place.

Meanwhile I am trying to relax my activated nervous system.

I wouldn't have ended up in inpatients care last year, had it not been for her.

I don't hate her (anymore, I really did for a while) coz, I figured she probably has a personality disorder or ptsd, with the fight mode her default go-to.

As much as I dislike fighty people around me, I almost envy that level of ooomph, as I am so worn down, my go to is freeze, hide and, mostly, fawn, which is, probably, more damaged than fight, because, part of me has lost all hope of being able to defend myself.

37 years under narcy people has done that to me.
They use everything against you. When you try to defend yourself, they punish you and smear you, so.much.worse. They turn other's against you. They turn everything against you. You have no rights, at all. You are gaslit for defending yourself, so you learn to not bother.
Being narcissistically discarded by my mother and my ex after the abuse I received at their hands and having no one that cared or responded for 37 years has really broken me in a deep, soul damaged, way.

I am repairing it by being the kind of person who responds in a way I wish others had of, though.

But my energy isn't very high now, in an expansive, spirited way, I burnt out, really badly, coping with the lack of care, the abuse and being too codependant for a long, long time.
I was a carer, since 17, but I didn't GET care.
So now, I hide a lot, I conquered my freeze response, though, by doing a lot of counseling/CBT and trauma release stuff, grounding practises, and yoga.
That was only something I achieved this year.

So, I am a work in progress.:).

My 24 yr old just texted. He is going to drop in before going to a birthday celebration.:):):):).

 

[mumstheword]

Uuughhhhh.....nervous system an absolute wreck today.
Maniacally flighty.
Crying a lot.

My big daughter is coming over, she isn't in the best way.
Broke down on the ph to me. She has bad brain fog and depression, has been having some S/I. I told her come on over and get some nurturing and good food and supplements from mama.

So I have to pull myself together. I did, on the ph, for her. And I will be fine, at least, I will be adequate, for her, when she gets here.
I have had a lot of practise, parenting, while not the best, myself.

She thinks it has to do with this drug they put her on, for her stomach ulcer. So she is going to try going off it and see if that helps.
She hasn't had any internal bleeding, as in spitting up blood, in the morning, for a couple of weeks.
She is doing amazingly, with her diet and self care.

The stress of my son being so ill, is wreaking havoc, with all of us, though.

And the Dad being the way he is.

She has been trying to reason with him (dad) but, I can see, it's really taken a toll on her.

So, I said, just put that aside, I don't want her burdened by that. I just want to be there, for her, and anyway, apparently son is being referred and taken to a psychiatrist, and maybe admitted to the local clinic, anyway.
The sooner that happens, I think, the better.
I am going to take out private health insurance for him, though, I am thinking, and get him some private psych hospital care.

I think Currumbin is pretty good, from what I hear. I can't afford it, but, this is my kid's life we are talking about. I will find a way.

I am a nervous wreck today though.

Absolutely over activated. At least I'm not in freeze/overwhelm/dissociate mode. I am in run around, burst into tears, not eat, cleaning manically, talk-to-much-at-times-and-too-emotionally, fly off the handle at things I can't find, kind-of-beside-myself- over-my-boy, mode.

 

[mumstheword]

God, how many times am I going to burst in to tears, today?
I feel sooooooooo humilated that I can't just waltz down to my exs and take charge of this my lying-on-the-floor-in-fetal-position-and-whimpering situation, of my son.
I can't just GO AND COMFORT MY OWN CHILD!!!!!
What the f*ck is wrong with me????!!!!!
I am a complete effing useless cowardly cruel awful mother because the idea of having to be in "that man"s house, puts me in a COMPLETE TAILSPIN.
My daughter talked to me in a way that triggered so much pain and humiliation, about her dad.
But then it came out that she is just too stressed, to unwell, to overwhelmed, too brain foggy and too depleted to deal with being in the middle of all this, AND I FEEL SO GUILTY THAT I PUT HER IN THAT POSITION!
Anyway, my guy just got up me about being a total mess about this and "focusing" and "dwelling" so, I'm out.

 

[ninja]

Hey mums? My words aren’t working exactly right but—
No one is really equipped to handle the kind of person your ex is. It’s going to do a number on all of you. You are wise to not deplete yourself by entering his house. You’ve worked too hard to get to where you are in your healing and with your relationships. Sending love and support. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Hey mums? My words aren’t working exactly right but—
No one is really equipped to handle the kind of person your ex is. It’s going to do a number on all of you. You are wise to not deplete yourself by entering his house. You’ve worked too hard to get to where you are in your healing and with your relationships. Sending love and support. :hug:

Thank you @ninja. Reality check. :-) :hug: thank you for that!!!!!

My daughter came over, after she went over and tried to talk to her dad. It ended up in an argument and she left, no resolution, but, hey, I know exacty how that happens and how it goes, with him.

She was ok when she got here, a bit frustrated and fed up, but she said her brother was much better. In fact, he was drilling, helping his dad with some fencing, sooooo, yeah, he's "better".

She is over it. Is talking about "washing her hands" of them, the whole situation, which is, kind of, what I had to do.

She is sleeping on the floor of our room, which is also our lounge/living room, as we have 21 yr old and his bf sleeping in the room she usually sleeps in, when she stays over.

Oh well, so be it. We all make our choices.

She has chosen to align herself, much more, with the kind of values and lifestyle that I myself cleave to, and to abandon the dad's kind.

I think my son's medication is finally kicking in, though, so it looks like he won't be going to the clinic, after all. I can't see any "real" change, as in he is still under his dad's spell/energy, still smoking.pot and yeah ... anyway, we will see.

We had a good night, though. I made some healthy, delicious food and she put on Marie Kondo's "tidying up" on netflicks, on for me. She really wants me to watch the series, and to help me implement Marie's organizational method.

My youngest son had a meltdown tonight, too, but, I think he's ok. Not awesome, but ok. He bumped his head, coming back on.the bus, from an excursion, that really didn't go well, and was fazed, and overwhelmed and dizzy, dissociative and really emotional, crying and depressed, but hey, that's life sometimes. I told him I'd been crying a lot today too ( so had my daughter, earlier, on the phone to me).

It's friday the 13th today and the moon is full.

I talked to him, my guy talked to him and he came down and hung with us and had some food and watched a bit of Marie, too.

I also had my second born over. So I had 4 of my children here for dinner.

Yep, my babies are coming back to mama :-) :-) :-)
My guy caught up with my younger daughter too, she is ok.

So between me and my guy, we talked to 6 of the 7 children, today, and a year ago? No way would I have thought that would, maybe, ever, happen.

An intense day, but, it ended well.
Not perfect, but not bad either. Pretty damn good, actually, all in all.