The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Christmas turned out pretty good.
Myself and my oldest daughter cooked up a storm. Had a house full of boys. Six of them, male creatures, my delightful male offspring, my partner's sons and himself.

Full house, coz our place is small. My two oldest son's and my.youngest daughter weren't there. Oldest was, is, still in the clinic, but doing better and youngest daughter had a meal with her bf and his grandmother. She came over for dinner on boxing day, instead.

Second oldest son forgot to come over, he got carried away, gaming, at his father's. Who, of course, did nothing festive, at all. I sent food down though. Managed to feed both the other bio parents of my children and my guy's. Who are both horrid, abusive people, but they are our kid's other parent's, so we looked after them too.

Dawty and I made a HUGE amount of awesome christmas food. It was the highlight, for me; Just to work with my beautiful big girl (25) and together, to churn out a feast for everyone. We were the only ones to give chrissy presents out too. We like giving, both of us.

Second oldest son, finally, came up this morning.

I've seen oldest son a few times, in the clinic, but haven't been able to give his prezzies to him, yet. Anything he could hurt himself with, he's not allowed, anyway and one thing is in a glass bottle.

I talked to him this morning. He's going to be in the psych clinic,, at least, this week, still. I talked to his inpatients pdoc, explained the home sitch. As a result, looks like he might get in to another facility, for a bit longer term stay. He's anxious about going home. His dad will try to get him back on the pot and will keep gaslighting him and manipulating him, if he's able.

Son knows he needs to develop healthy boundaries. Is very vulnerable, still though. Still has abusive, psychotic voices in his head, so having a narcy dad, who uses him as supply, on top of that, is not going to help.

He's really able to work on stabilizing, in hospital. They are giving him a mixture of benzos and anti psychotics and an anti depressant. So he's pretty doped up, but not as sleep deprived, highly strung, terrified and beside himself, as he was.

The place they are trying to get him into, is a "mental health resort" type of place, and still public, so no need to pay.

Second oldest came up this morning. Dad is trying to get him to.move back to his place, but son is not keen. He was absolutely decimated by his father's treatment of him when he did live with him and since he moved out, has a great life; stability (also on anti psychs from ending up psychotic, under his dad's "care", as did I) a job, lots of "day program" activities and friends, a team of professional carers and support workers, his own, brand, new, apartment, and a communal area with food and transport and supervision and other (disabled) residents who are his friends. Loves his life now.

So, all in all, my kid's are beyond the grip of narcy dad's supply needs. Not entirely, but much more than ever before.

All the one's (my 24 yr old son, 21 yr old son and 18 yr old daugher) there will be gone soon, and he knows it. That's why he's trying to rope second born back in. Second born has autism and aa intellectual disability, but is smarter than that.

Dad needs his supply victim's and has had a "good" run, with me, from age 16, to our children, oldest now 29.

What will he do when they all bail????

I know what I will do. Victory dance and other festive, celebratory, activities.

My "torture" of the psychological kind, where loved ones are hurt and damaged by someone who has also hurt and damaged me, badly, will be well and truly over.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm struggling with guilt over going "no contact" with my mother.
I saw a youtube title about that very topic and thought "yep, I need to watch that."
It was something about guilt over going no contact with your narcissistic mother.

The thing about being with people like that, is that they make you totally second guess yourself, for, like, ever after. Well not MAKE, because, I and I alone, am, ultimately, responsible for my choices and how I respond to events, in the long run, but, because of being blamed and told that I am the problem person, I must constantly check myself and yep, I fall exceedingly short. I blame myself for failing, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend (I simply CANNOT trust people enough to seriously maintain or embark on serious friendships), as a worker. I am doing ok as a mum and a girlfriend, but, in all other respects, fail.

This feels safe, at the moment. I stay home a lot.
I contact no one, really, except my kid's.
I have a new T, and I have told her that my social avoidance is, really, my number one, issue that I want to face.

I am on a wait list for a social support program called footsteps2wellness. I will get a call, early in the year.

 

[Freida]

is that they make you totally second guess yourself, for, like, ever after.

This ^^^ is about them. Not you. Them.
They thrive on chaos and controlling people. It's like a drug to them
The worst possible thing that could happen is for their victim to walk away, because it strips them of their power.
Cutting contact with your mom must be horrible - but it doesn't mean you are at fault.
It means you are taking away her power over you.
If she wants to be in your life? She can stop being a narcissist and become someone you can value. Someone who is worth being in YOUR life - not the other way around

And you are not a failure - at all.

 

[mumstheword]

It's the incessant guilt. The horrid feeling I have of fear, anxiety, depression, failure, when I think about my narcy peeps. I want to be free of it.
I grew up knowing it was my job to make people feel better, but, knowing I was a complete failure at it.
I didn't matter, at all, except where I was "of use" to other's. That's why my babies saved my life. I only matter because they matter and I matter to them. Do I matter to myself now? Yes, I've learnt to, but I never would have made it this far without having them to survive for.

I want to be free of the narcy people, because they teach me that I don't matter. Even though I am "no contact" at the moment, with my mum and I avoid my ex, they still plague me, internally. I still give them waaaayyyy too much brain time and space.
My guy is helping me rewire my brain. I matter, a lot, to him.
I wouldn't have made it without him, because ex made "flying monkeys" of, nearly, all my kid's and even though I loved them more than myself, I needed a bit of care, I needed somewhere to escape to, so I didn't die. Ex was enjoying using them to triangulate, to wear me down, to keep me enslaved, to break me and without my guy, I would have had no escape route.
I can't really fathom that level of malevolence towards me and yet, I am.in contact with people, my offspring, who are in constant contact with him.

 

[mumstheword]

It's going to be a good year. I can feel it. It already feels peaceful, at an, as yet, unprecedented level.
I hope everyone has a triumphant year, a personally empowering year, a restorative year.
I am already feeling it. I FINALLY have my darlings back! For good! No one can turn them or poison them or gaslight them, like they have been before. We are too strong now. We have been through too much.
No one can do worse than what's already been done, and as I'm saying that the fear part says wanna bet? Worse things can happen. Maybe, but I don't FEEL it.

It feels like the worst is well and truly over.
Because I am in a solid place and my relationship is in a solid place. Both my guy and I have lived through attempts and serious threats on our life, suicidal depression, homelessness, long term narc abuse, parental estrangement, near starvation, at times, severe gaslighting, near death health crisises and illnesses, desperate poverty, isolation, brain injury, child abuse, spousal abuse, sexual exploitation and relational enslavement, we've been criminalized, smear campaigned, marginalized and ostracized and here we are!!!!! Stronger than ever, a solid unit, secure in ourselves and our humble lives, grateful for small mercies, peace, life, every kindness shown, everything that allows us to keep living, giving and loving.

It's a strong and gracious place that we've worked relentlessly and smartly to get to, individually and as a couple.

Any hardship now, I truly believe we can weather, with relative ease, because, I guess, my faith? Gets me through with fortitude and inner surrender.

I survived hell and I know its an "internal place" that you can banish from within yourself. It's a place devoid of love and truth, it's utter hopelessness, terror and dread and I REFUSE to allow myself to succumb to that EVER again.

 

[mumstheword]

After saying all that positive, high minded stuff, I am feeling stressed about my birthday tomorrow.
My oldest daughter offered, again, the second year running, to host a birthday dinner at her place. I wanted to go to Brunswick Heads, a coast town/village, a delightful village with a river/estuary and a beautiful sandy gorgeous coastline and I thought to invite my youngest daughter and boyfriend, as they rarely get to go anywhere, much.
Anyway, it's blowing out and well, I'm already exhausted and stressed. Had a nasty but short meltdown this morning, fallout over constant trips to hospitals that is wearing me out, and I'm too spent still, obviously. I have an extra kid here, also, had middle son overnight, he's super stressed and desperate to get out of his dad's but doesn't get what's really going on. He's taking a lot of Xanax to cope right now, but is trying to get out, as we speak.
I don't know what the dad is going to do now his narcissistic supply is running out. I'm a bit worried for the two youngest and their partners, who are still there.

Oh, the extra overnighter just left.
I better ring my girl. The uncertainty of tomorrow is what is stressing me out, on top of everything else.

 

[mumstheword]

My brain not great. My hollowed out tooth is a bother. I, literally, haven't the physical stamina for all the stuff, of late. I want the whole, entire, everything, to just go away. I don't want to have to go out and see my son in the mental hospital, today, but, I do.
I don't want to go out and co-host less than half my kid's at my daughter's, for my.birthday. I don't want to look after anybody right now. I want to be looked after or have the luxury to not look after anybody, even myself,if I want to.

This morning I , verbally, threatened my own life, I didn't mean for it to pop out, but it did.
I don't mean it, but I'm running exceedingly low and I just can't afford to stop functioning. I have other people to care for and I can't. I am just feeling tired that's all.
Maybe I will have a nap and hopefully I will feel better.

 

[Freida]

You are exhuasted so I'm not surprsied you are a little nutsy.
But.
Let's circle back to this....

It's going to be a good year. I can feel it. It already feels peaceful, at an, as yet, unprecedented level.
I hope everyone has a triumphant year, a personally empowering year, a restorative year.
I am already feeling it. I FINALLY have my darlings back! For good! No one can turn them or poison them or gaslight them, like they have been before. We are too strong now. We have been through too much.

That's what's important. Thats what is going to be there still -- once all the things you are dealing with sort out, and your stress level gets back down and you get some sleep.

This ^^^ Hope for the future Which you so very much deserve :hug:

 

[Freida]

Happy 2020 from the west coast of the US! I think we are the last ones to get there! :laugh:

 

[mumstheword]

Happy 2020 from the west coast of the US! I think we are the last ones to get there! :laugh:

Happy 2020 bakatcha @Freida.:-) May this year bring us home to ourselves in a way we have never experienced before. May we experience a level of safety and optimism, unprecedented. May we enjoy gorgeous sunsets and sunrises, glorious vistas of exquisite beauty, warmth and friendship, laughter and inspiration.

 

[mumstheword]

I didn't go see sono. I had a sleep instead. I feel better. My brain is no longer feeling like it wants to shut down, permanently.
Seriously, suicidal ideation? I thought I was over that crapolla. And I am. Just a blip, a momentary glitch, from overload and an echo of past bs.

Things are just starting to get much better, and it seems my brain couldn't cope with that.

Sleep is a wonderful thing. And so is pizza that I didn't have to make myself. M' guy is going out to me youngest's pizza trattoria (where they work, me youngest daut, her bf and me youngest sono) and yay! :-) I don't have to cook tonight!!! :-) :-) :-) (I am sounding very Australian, 'strayan, tonight :-)
It's very hot here today. Unfortunately there are still bad fires burning up parts of the country. Praying for those folk.

Our fire is still burning but under control.
This is a craaaazzzy fire time, but my brain is less wanting to permanently end itself, so that's good.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

I'm finally feeling good. Sometimes it takes all day for me to feel ok.
Sono rang me. Oldest sono, in the clinic. He sounds better, again. Sounds secure about going into the longer time clinic. He is very loving. He spoke to his youngest brother, too. Told him he loves him loads of times.
His dad is peaking out about him going into the longer term clinic. My guy went down there and caught him on the phone to sono, was trying to manipulate him into not going. He was pretty bitchy and is obviously freaking out about it."
Then, he rang me, was saying "I HAVE to go, don't I, mum?" I said " I think it would be good. It will give you more time, with the extra support, to find your direction and to get a plan happening and tee up some more support, for when you get out."
He sounds secure about not having to go back to his dad's so soon, as opposed to his dad, who is losing his shit and being hyperbolic about it. Trying to make out it's some kind of "One flew out of the cuckoo's nest" kind of situation.
My 24 yr old came up last night, coz he needed to get away from dad's peakyness about it, but he didn't realise that's what it was. Was blaming "other people" for bringing up his brother being in the clinic. I reassured him. Told him his brother is getting better and is being looked after well. I have been in there quite a few times and talk to him on the phone most days that I don't go in there.

His dad has told him that he won't visit him in the coast clinic. But I will.

Dad is probably going to lose his shit like he did when I escaped. Apparently, when narcs lose their supply victim, it's like a drug addict going through withdrawal only kinda worse. When I left, the kid's said he was "catatonic". He stopped functioning, stopped eating, they had to do everything, for a while. It greatly exacerbated the resentment towards me.

They are much older now. It wont affect them as badly if he comes apart at the seams.

He needs help, but will, most likely, never humble himself enough to admit that.

I just want all my kid's safe from his fear mongering, gaslighting ways and his incessant need to drug everyone and drug push everyone around him