AnotherProblemKid
New Here
Lately, I've been noticing new things about my new self (depressed self). I've become emotionally numb to my surroundings and my situation. I feel nothing whatsoever towards any emotion, like happiness, sadness or anger. I just simply feel "lost" and "empty".
According to my therapist, I'm suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I've done some research on the matter and saw exactly I'm going through.
Things like:
I've been suppressing my emotions from an early point in my childhood because of her. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 or 6 and my mom took custody of me, though I still had contact and great relationship with my dad, who I would sometimes see when I'm on break from school.
And the simplest things like a boo-boo (bruise or as cut), she'd tell me, "Be strong. Suck it up!" She'd never give me the love that I wanted of her, not even a loving gesture of a hug was embraced, instead I got words. Words that didn't make me feel better about my pain.
I've been depressed for over 10 years, I've been depressed since I was 5, up til now. My depression came from things like school (bullying, teachers, friendship and relationship issues), home (lack of love, constant isolation/loneliness, family matters) and myself (due to the lack of love and the hardship to relating to other people, because of it).
I tried my best to fit in, but no matter how hard I tried, I would later find myself transferring from school to school and not keeping close relationships with friends because of the bullying and mistreatment of trying to fit in into another type of society (I came from a different country, my accent was different, and I did things differently from other people and I was bullied, laughed at, and insulted because of it).
In all of my life I've been moving from school to school, the school that I'm at now is my 3rd highschool that I'll be attending and because of my situation, my mom will make it a 4th.
At the school that I'm attending now, I am still being mistreated, but it isn't as bad as the previous. I tried making new friends and I tried understanding them. I tried to motivate the negative and sensitive ones, but I failed. It has always been me to help and motivate people from their sadness and depression. I'd constantly talk to them and ask them if they were okay, I'd crack the corniest of jokes and funny scenarios, trying to bring a pleasant smile to their face and cheer them up. Because no one did the same for me, and I didn't want others to go through the same as me.
Their depression eventually became my depression, I started getting sad, I started to fake smiles and pretended to be alright. I started cutting and drinking liquor, as that was such a great trend by my so called "friends". I wanted to feel and numb the pain of my depression and my grief stage of my dad, who died a year ago.
After all these years of suppressing and bottling up my emotions, I would have rage outburst, mostly towards my mom and my fake friends. I got so angry and full of rage that there were incidents where I would've domestically abuse my mom, but I controlled it from reaching to that extent. So what I would is push her out of my room and lock the door and mentally breakdown and cry for hours.
After my dad died, I've been missing something - closure. Before my dad died he got in a big fight because of my lack to do anything and my lack of motivation and pushing myself; I grew lazy and we argued, almost to us exchanging punches. However my older brother saw and stopped that.
My dads illness grew worse, he proclaimed that he had alcer, but none of knew the truth besides him. I remember the sleepness nights of hearing my dad groan in agony because of illness, then to have a close neighbor and friend rush to our house and aid him. Because of his worsening, he was admitted into the hospital to get treatment from doctors and nurses.
Because of my anger and my stubbornness, I only visited my dad once in his entire month in the hospital. "Why," you ask? Because I didn't want to, knowing my dad I thought that he was okay and faked it. I don't know why I thought such things, but I did. Maybe it was because of how jokish and awnry he was, I don't know.
For that one day, I only went because my mom pushed to go and visit him and when I saw him for the first time in a month (he died the week after I saw him). I saw his own life flash right in front of my eyes. He looked pale, hr got skinnier, his voice grew weaker. He didn't look like usual and jolly dad. When I saw how he looked I immediately turned to my mom and embraced his with tears and grief, for I thought the worst of things.
When he died, I cried on that day and that was it. I didn't know how to deal with his death, cause I wanted to protect my own well-being, so I became selfish and suppressed my emotions, day by day feeling more and more empty and lost and above all, lonely.
I feel as though there's a void inside me and my dad used to cover that void, but now that he's gone I search for love I'm worst places possible. Now I'm more confused about my sexuality more than anything. I don't care if a boy or girl loves me, I want to be loved, but I guess I'm too different from everyone else to receive such things.
On the of my dad's funeral, I didn't shed a single tear. I wanted to, but I held it in. Cause if I had cried, I wouldn't have stopped.
Now after all of that - suppressing and bottling up my emotions from not feeling pain as much as I should have. Now I've been colder, more heartless, lost interest in many things, especially the things that used to make me happy in the past. I don't necessarily see anything wrong in being like this, I just accept it and embrace as the person that I've become, the new me.
I surely miss my old self, I miss the happy me, but I don't even remember him, the original and true me. I've created so many facades and personalities to stop myself from hurting more, that I forgot the old me. I know that being this way is somewhat unproductive and unhealthy, but I'm somewhat fond of it.
I became this way because of my experiences in life. Change is only natural, right? I'm not sure if it's either good or bad. But I like not feeling the intensity of my depression. I like being alone and away from people and inactive, I like the new me... I just wonder of the old me and I can't help but feel sorry for all that he endured and went through on his own, and I just wanted to let him know that I'll be taking over.
I'm sorry for the exceptionally long thread, I just wanted to put myself out there. Thank you for reading my boring and senseless thread, I just wanted to put myself out and get some stuff off of my chest.
According to my therapist, I'm suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I've done some research on the matter and saw exactly I'm going through.
Things like:
- chronic fear or distress.
- family instability, such as living with a parent who is an alcoholic, or who struggles to manage a mental health problem.
- sexual or physical abuse.
- neglect and lack of love.
- losing a parent.
I've been suppressing my emotions from an early point in my childhood because of her. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 or 6 and my mom took custody of me, though I still had contact and great relationship with my dad, who I would sometimes see when I'm on break from school.
And the simplest things like a boo-boo (bruise or as cut), she'd tell me, "Be strong. Suck it up!" She'd never give me the love that I wanted of her, not even a loving gesture of a hug was embraced, instead I got words. Words that didn't make me feel better about my pain.
I've been depressed for over 10 years, I've been depressed since I was 5, up til now. My depression came from things like school (bullying, teachers, friendship and relationship issues), home (lack of love, constant isolation/loneliness, family matters) and myself (due to the lack of love and the hardship to relating to other people, because of it).
I tried my best to fit in, but no matter how hard I tried, I would later find myself transferring from school to school and not keeping close relationships with friends because of the bullying and mistreatment of trying to fit in into another type of society (I came from a different country, my accent was different, and I did things differently from other people and I was bullied, laughed at, and insulted because of it).
In all of my life I've been moving from school to school, the school that I'm at now is my 3rd highschool that I'll be attending and because of my situation, my mom will make it a 4th.
At the school that I'm attending now, I am still being mistreated, but it isn't as bad as the previous. I tried making new friends and I tried understanding them. I tried to motivate the negative and sensitive ones, but I failed. It has always been me to help and motivate people from their sadness and depression. I'd constantly talk to them and ask them if they were okay, I'd crack the corniest of jokes and funny scenarios, trying to bring a pleasant smile to their face and cheer them up. Because no one did the same for me, and I didn't want others to go through the same as me.
Their depression eventually became my depression, I started getting sad, I started to fake smiles and pretended to be alright. I started cutting and drinking liquor, as that was such a great trend by my so called "friends". I wanted to feel and numb the pain of my depression and my grief stage of my dad, who died a year ago.
After all these years of suppressing and bottling up my emotions, I would have rage outburst, mostly towards my mom and my fake friends. I got so angry and full of rage that there were incidents where I would've domestically abuse my mom, but I controlled it from reaching to that extent. So what I would is push her out of my room and lock the door and mentally breakdown and cry for hours.
After my dad died, I've been missing something - closure. Before my dad died he got in a big fight because of my lack to do anything and my lack of motivation and pushing myself; I grew lazy and we argued, almost to us exchanging punches. However my older brother saw and stopped that.
My dads illness grew worse, he proclaimed that he had alcer, but none of knew the truth besides him. I remember the sleepness nights of hearing my dad groan in agony because of illness, then to have a close neighbor and friend rush to our house and aid him. Because of his worsening, he was admitted into the hospital to get treatment from doctors and nurses.
Because of my anger and my stubbornness, I only visited my dad once in his entire month in the hospital. "Why," you ask? Because I didn't want to, knowing my dad I thought that he was okay and faked it. I don't know why I thought such things, but I did. Maybe it was because of how jokish and awnry he was, I don't know.
For that one day, I only went because my mom pushed to go and visit him and when I saw him for the first time in a month (he died the week after I saw him). I saw his own life flash right in front of my eyes. He looked pale, hr got skinnier, his voice grew weaker. He didn't look like usual and jolly dad. When I saw how he looked I immediately turned to my mom and embraced his with tears and grief, for I thought the worst of things.
When he died, I cried on that day and that was it. I didn't know how to deal with his death, cause I wanted to protect my own well-being, so I became selfish and suppressed my emotions, day by day feeling more and more empty and lost and above all, lonely.
I feel as though there's a void inside me and my dad used to cover that void, but now that he's gone I search for love I'm worst places possible. Now I'm more confused about my sexuality more than anything. I don't care if a boy or girl loves me, I want to be loved, but I guess I'm too different from everyone else to receive such things.
On the of my dad's funeral, I didn't shed a single tear. I wanted to, but I held it in. Cause if I had cried, I wouldn't have stopped.
Now after all of that - suppressing and bottling up my emotions from not feeling pain as much as I should have. Now I've been colder, more heartless, lost interest in many things, especially the things that used to make me happy in the past. I don't necessarily see anything wrong in being like this, I just accept it and embrace as the person that I've become, the new me.
I surely miss my old self, I miss the happy me, but I don't even remember him, the original and true me. I've created so many facades and personalities to stop myself from hurting more, that I forgot the old me. I know that being this way is somewhat unproductive and unhealthy, but I'm somewhat fond of it.
I became this way because of my experiences in life. Change is only natural, right? I'm not sure if it's either good or bad. But I like not feeling the intensity of my depression. I like being alone and away from people and inactive, I like the new me... I just wonder of the old me and I can't help but feel sorry for all that he endured and went through on his own, and I just wanted to let him know that I'll be taking over.
I'm sorry for the exceptionally long thread, I just wanted to put myself out there. Thank you for reading my boring and senseless thread, I just wanted to put myself out and get some stuff off of my chest.
