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The Official Parenting Posse
- Post starter BloomInWinter
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schnauzerbabies
Bronze Member
My child looses his temper with me sometimes and starts hitting kicking or throwing things at me. I always shut down. We are working on not getting to that point but sometimes it happens anyway. Any suggestions?
Also he hits himself. How do I teach him not to do this?
Also he hits himself. How do I teach him not to do this?
- Post starter
- #16
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
My understanding as a lay person with NO particular expertise on parenting is that many of us from dysfunctional homes struggle with Alexithymia.
"Alexithymia is a relatively new term which means the inability to express feelings with words. The medical research coming under this term is showing what a lot of us already knew: If you can't express your feelings with words, you are going to have a lot of problems!"
Source: http://eqi.org/alexi.htm
It affects our parenting greatly because we can't identify and name our own emotions, so our children don't learn how to identify, name, and express theirs...and it hinders their "Emotional Literacy" - defined as "The ability to express feelings with specific feeling words, in 3 word sentences. For example, "I feel rejected." Source: http://eqi.org/elit.htm#Definition of Emotional Literacy
The best way to help our children is by helping ourselves all day long name our feelings...OUT LOUD (I struggle so bad with this!)....where they can hear us, and 'see' our responses as we deal with the feelings.
When children and adults can express feelings as they come up, safely....it doesn't fix everything, but it helps.
"Indirect Communication
Because we are not skilled at directly expressing our feelings, we often use indirect communication of our emotions such as by using examples, figures of speech, and non-verbal communication. ...a few of these forms of indirect communication.
I Feel Like ....Using sentences that begin with "I feel like..." may be the most common form of communicating our feelings. The literal result is that we often feel like labels, thoughts, and behaviors, as we can see below:
I feel like (a label) - In the examples below we are labeling ourselves, and not clearly and directly expressing our feelings.
I feel like: ... an idiot ... a baby ... a failure
We typically use lots of expressions which put ourselves down. These negative labels certainly don't help us feel any better about ourselves. In fact, by mentally branding us, they make it more likely we will repeat the exact kinds of actions which caused our feelings.
I feel like (a thought) - In these examples we are actually conveying more of a thought than a feeling.
I feel like you are crazy. I feel like it was wrong. I feel like he is going to win.
I recall a conversation where I asked someone how she felt about something and she said, "I feel like you shouldn't have done that." At another point when I asked about her feelings, she said "I don't want to get into all of that." Such a lack of emotional literacy and emotional honesty makes it difficult to have a relationship, even a friendship or a working relationship.
I feel like (a behavior) - Here, we are expressing our feelings in the form of a behavior. Again, these are unclear and indirect. They may be graphic and entertaining, but they are usually exaggerations and distortions which don't help us focus on our true feelings.
I feel like: ... strangling him ... shooting him ... wringing his neck ... telling her off ... teaching him a lesson ... filing for divorce ... dumping him ... quitting ... giving up ... jumping off of a cliff
In other words, people who use such expressions feel like a behavior, an action, an act. Thus, they are not in touch with their feelings. They may be acting out their lives as they think others would rather than acting as unique individuals. Or they simply imagine themselves taking action rather than actually using their emotions to motivate them to take appropriate action."
Source: http://eqi.org/elit.htm
"Alexithymia is a relatively new term which means the inability to express feelings with words. The medical research coming under this term is showing what a lot of us already knew: If you can't express your feelings with words, you are going to have a lot of problems!"
Source: http://eqi.org/alexi.htm
It affects our parenting greatly because we can't identify and name our own emotions, so our children don't learn how to identify, name, and express theirs...and it hinders their "Emotional Literacy" - defined as "The ability to express feelings with specific feeling words, in 3 word sentences. For example, "I feel rejected." Source: http://eqi.org/elit.htm#Definition of Emotional Literacy
The best way to help our children is by helping ourselves all day long name our feelings...OUT LOUD (I struggle so bad with this!)....where they can hear us, and 'see' our responses as we deal with the feelings.
When children and adults can express feelings as they come up, safely....it doesn't fix everything, but it helps.
"Indirect Communication
Because we are not skilled at directly expressing our feelings, we often use indirect communication of our emotions such as by using examples, figures of speech, and non-verbal communication. ...a few of these forms of indirect communication.
I Feel Like ....Using sentences that begin with "I feel like..." may be the most common form of communicating our feelings. The literal result is that we often feel like labels, thoughts, and behaviors, as we can see below:
I feel like (a label) - In the examples below we are labeling ourselves, and not clearly and directly expressing our feelings.
I feel like: ... an idiot ... a baby ... a failure
We typically use lots of expressions which put ourselves down. These negative labels certainly don't help us feel any better about ourselves. In fact, by mentally branding us, they make it more likely we will repeat the exact kinds of actions which caused our feelings.
I feel like (a thought) - In these examples we are actually conveying more of a thought than a feeling.
I feel like you are crazy. I feel like it was wrong. I feel like he is going to win.
I recall a conversation where I asked someone how she felt about something and she said, "I feel like you shouldn't have done that." At another point when I asked about her feelings, she said "I don't want to get into all of that." Such a lack of emotional literacy and emotional honesty makes it difficult to have a relationship, even a friendship or a working relationship.
I feel like (a behavior) - Here, we are expressing our feelings in the form of a behavior. Again, these are unclear and indirect. They may be graphic and entertaining, but they are usually exaggerations and distortions which don't help us focus on our true feelings.
I feel like: ... strangling him ... shooting him ... wringing his neck ... telling her off ... teaching him a lesson ... filing for divorce ... dumping him ... quitting ... giving up ... jumping off of a cliff
In other words, people who use such expressions feel like a behavior, an action, an act. Thus, they are not in touch with their feelings. They may be acting out their lives as they think others would rather than acting as unique individuals. Or they simply imagine themselves taking action rather than actually using their emotions to motivate them to take appropriate action."
Source: http://eqi.org/elit.htm
Always figured if it were cause they were hungry angry lonely or tired, or busy (my kid really nerds out over stuff and can get cranky if he is bothered), ask them what was up with that n remind them not to lash out for no reason cause they would not like it if people did it to them either. He is never rude enough to warrant any real consequences , usually just snappy. lol kinda like me I guess. It is weird responding to this thread cause I keep substituting what I would do with like what my dad would do. His answer to problems was beat the shit out of them. It is weird how different the approaches are lol.
Schnauzer my kid used to do the same thing, I used to have to restrain him until he was finished having his tantrum so he wouldn't hurt himself or hurt me. I didn't punish him for it tho. Just restrained him til it was over and then let him go n moved on. For him it was a dysregulation of emotion. He couldn't handle all the excessive feelings he had so he lashed out , out of control, no ability to handle what was happening. It was kinda like he needed a time out from life to lash out and then when he was done he was calmer.
Your kid's hitting himself because he cannot function with his emotions. Either he feels bad about himself or he just can't handle the overload in general. He's lashing out everywhere he can. My kid eventually learned not to do it any more but it took years. Kids do mellow with time, and if you don't punish them or f*ck them up over their problems. Don't punish him for it, just make sure he doesn't physically hurt himself and talk it out.
Schnauzer my kid used to do the same thing, I used to have to restrain him until he was finished having his tantrum so he wouldn't hurt himself or hurt me. I didn't punish him for it tho. Just restrained him til it was over and then let him go n moved on. For him it was a dysregulation of emotion. He couldn't handle all the excessive feelings he had so he lashed out , out of control, no ability to handle what was happening. It was kinda like he needed a time out from life to lash out and then when he was done he was calmer.
Your kid's hitting himself because he cannot function with his emotions. Either he feels bad about himself or he just can't handle the overload in general. He's lashing out everywhere he can. My kid eventually learned not to do it any more but it took years. Kids do mellow with time, and if you don't punish them or f*ck them up over their problems. Don't punish him for it, just make sure he doesn't physically hurt himself and talk it out.
In that respect I've now got a understanding with him, if he feels he's getting that cross he wants to hurt himself. He now comes to me and say's my dragon is getting angry! I ask if he want's to talk about it, sometimes he does but others he just wants a hug and for me to tell him things are going to be ok.
I use to have to restrain him as I was the only one he'd listen to if my hubby tried to do it, it would make him worse. But I don't do it anymore and if I'm honest I couldn't do it anymore. He's getting to big not that I let him know that.
It's when he say's he hate's me or something that I find hard to deal with.
I use to have to restrain him as I was the only one he'd listen to if my hubby tried to do it, it would make him worse. But I don't do it anymore and if I'm honest I couldn't do it anymore. He's getting to big not that I let him know that.
It's when he say's he hate's me or something that I find hard to deal with.
schnauzerbabies
Bronze Member
I honestly think part of him hurting himself because partially he is doing what he has seen done. This is all really good insight. Thanks, I do wonder though. What if I was to work on saying I feel..... but wasnt able to show the emotion that goes with it?
- Post starter
- #20
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
I do practice in the mirror showing the lower intensity emotions...and now when I say 'I'm irritated...and I'm heading towards annoyed!' my kids and hubby do mostly respond so I don't have to wait until it gets to where I can't help but notice it.
- Post starter
- #21
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
The first, hardest rule I grew up with that we still...STILL...struggle to allow ourselves to break is the 'don't talk' rule. Any three work expression of 'I feel (emotion)' is ok, now.
Even 'I feel ANGRY!'
That wasn't tolerated in my home growing up.
It was always punished, invalidated, or otherwise....the ability to own my emotions was ripped out of my psyche and stomped on, repeatedly.
No wonder I have such alexithymia.
Even 'I feel ANGRY!'
That wasn't tolerated in my home growing up.
It was always punished, invalidated, or otherwise....the ability to own my emotions was ripped out of my psyche and stomped on, repeatedly.
No wonder I have such alexithymia.
- Post starter
- #22
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
My dad used sarcasm a LOT...I try not to use it, ever.
It is a mixed message that isn't helpful in helping my outsides match my insides...which is a goal of mine. Because the people-pleaser in me is a helpless victim...whereas the irritated me can safely make people aware they have crossed a boundry and I'm not going to let it pass without showing it on my face, in my voice. Not that I can DO these thngs much, yet.
When my T. tries to use sarcasm with me...I shut right down. Too many years of being ripped to shreds...
[DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201110/very-funny-why-sarcasm-is-no-laughing-matter-kids[/DLMURL]
It is a mixed message that isn't helpful in helping my outsides match my insides...which is a goal of mine. Because the people-pleaser in me is a helpless victim...whereas the irritated me can safely make people aware they have crossed a boundry and I'm not going to let it pass without showing it on my face, in my voice. Not that I can DO these thngs much, yet.
When my T. tries to use sarcasm with me...I shut right down. Too many years of being ripped to shreds...
[DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201110/very-funny-why-sarcasm-is-no-laughing-matter-kids[/DLMURL]
That makes me feel like a really awful f*cking parent... I was sarcastic all while my kid was growin up. Not mean, or nothin lol. (All the examples in the article are just mean IMO, I wasn't like that I guess but IDK is all sarcasm wrong? I mean kids don't understand sarcasm but sarcasm is a developed skill, meaning you need exposure to it in some capacity. My kid has a sarcastic streak too, but he's not mean about it either.) Not like the article said.
(From that article): Either way, a miscommunication has occurred. If the adult's goal is to teach the child a valuable lesson in table manners and etiquette, he is better off asking the child directly to chew with his mouth closed. Agree that it's completely useless to give kids instructions in sarcasm. It's confusing and odd. But I don't necessarily agree that you shouldn't be sarcastic (or, ironic in any way, because irony is an important part of human humor) at all.
I remember it was a way for me to kinda chill and be zen about it you know. My kid would wreck his room and I'd go up and be like "oh...this is nice!" LOL Right? Like it was better than going "This sucks!!!! and arrghh it's shit and you suck!!!" or.. I don't know, I was never sure how normal parents reacted when they were displeased with something (I actually still do this lol). I just never wanted to make a big deal out of it and make him feel bad for shit. Like when I made a wreck of shit my dad would scream at me about it and stuff. And beat the shit out of me and you know whatever, on and on. So I was sarcastic about it you know, obviously it wasn't nice. But wasn't blamin him or nothin for it.
He did pick it up real quickly though. He is super sarcastic now, but like me he doesn't say stuff like that article. I think there are different levels or different "kinds" of sarcasm. But yeah you know kids don't get it and I knew that at the time but it was how I kinda relaxed when stuff like that would happen. Cause it was an outlet for me to express my opinion that my kid wouldn't interpret meanly, and, I could kind of amuse myself (cause I think I'm hilarious :eek:) and then it'd be fine. He'd see I was zen and he'd be zen and we'd fix it.
("There, dad, now it's really nice. Don't know why you thought it was nice before..." :rolleyes:)
(From that article): Either way, a miscommunication has occurred. If the adult's goal is to teach the child a valuable lesson in table manners and etiquette, he is better off asking the child directly to chew with his mouth closed. Agree that it's completely useless to give kids instructions in sarcasm. It's confusing and odd. But I don't necessarily agree that you shouldn't be sarcastic (or, ironic in any way, because irony is an important part of human humor) at all.
I remember it was a way for me to kinda chill and be zen about it you know. My kid would wreck his room and I'd go up and be like "oh...this is nice!" LOL Right? Like it was better than going "This sucks!!!! and arrghh it's shit and you suck!!!" or.. I don't know, I was never sure how normal parents reacted when they were displeased with something (I actually still do this lol). I just never wanted to make a big deal out of it and make him feel bad for shit. Like when I made a wreck of shit my dad would scream at me about it and stuff. And beat the shit out of me and you know whatever, on and on. So I was sarcastic about it you know, obviously it wasn't nice. But wasn't blamin him or nothin for it.
He did pick it up real quickly though. He is super sarcastic now, but like me he doesn't say stuff like that article. I think there are different levels or different "kinds" of sarcasm. But yeah you know kids don't get it and I knew that at the time but it was how I kinda relaxed when stuff like that would happen. Cause it was an outlet for me to express my opinion that my kid wouldn't interpret meanly, and, I could kind of amuse myself (cause I think I'm hilarious :eek:) and then it'd be fine. He'd see I was zen and he'd be zen and we'd fix it.
("There, dad, now it's really nice. Don't know why you thought it was nice before..." :rolleyes:)
Shouldn't feel like a shitty dad sea, I too use light hearted sarcasm never meant to hurt or offend. My lot normally laugh and think mummy's playing crazy again. I'd rather they laugh with me than worry about me.
I think saffy has said something to her teachers in the ARB as in her home/school book they asked after me, never done that before but saffy worries if she thinks mummy's in pain. Told my hubby to find out and explain I'm fine just my fibro kicking off. When the school get's involved is when I start worrying and feeling crappy as a mummy.
I think saffy has said something to her teachers in the ARB as in her home/school book they asked after me, never done that before but saffy worries if she thinks mummy's in pain. Told my hubby to find out and explain I'm fine just my fibro kicking off. When the school get's involved is when I start worrying and feeling crappy as a mummy.
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