The Pains Of Progress

[Mallaky]

Today I felt crushing, painfull loneliness. I have not felt that way for ten years, when it was the worst of times.
I am as isolated today as I have been for years. I did not mind at all. I liked it. I don't like it anymore. It feels like basic human needs that I have ignored for too long have woken up.
I am getting better every month. Three steps foward, two steps back. For the longest time I was content in my misery. I have been feeling so bad pretty much all my life that ordinary issues did not bother me. I simply could not care. I was all out of care and now I have started to and, holy shit, sometimes it sucks. Being with my partner has been enough for many years now. It was fine. But now when he is not around I don't feel fine anymore. At first I did not even realize what that feeling was. I thought hormones, not enough sleep, bloodsugar and then, when I looked at some sexy pictures on the net, I realized: I am f*cking lonely. Isolation does not do anymore. Progress made me feel loneliness that did not register before.

I am trying to make friends now. It is still a month or two until my fulltime outpatient therapy starts and I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to meeting new people and I hope to make some friends. I am also doing some other things to make friends and get out of my protective prison.
I take it very slow. Those two steps back will come, and they could cause a lot of pain. There is no need to rush, I hope. Doing too much too early is a bit of a character trait of mine, and I want to not be overeager again.

This brings me to another painfull progress: The new standards. It's not too long ago I felt and behaved ridiculously :poop: shitty. And the steady progression of slowly getting and being better can be so f*cking tedious. Sometimes it feels so relentlessly repetitive. Like walking towards a mountain that refuses to come a single inch closer. The inverse of the nightmare of the monster one can't outrun, but a nightmare nonetheless. When it feels like this, I have a hard time seeing progress. I only see the new standards I have achieved being on lifesupport. Beep-beep-beep it goes and if the machine keeping them alive does not do its repetitive and mindnumbing work they will wither and die. Sometimes I don't want to be that machine, doing again and again nothing else but keep alive what would have been dead long ago. I never realized that getting better could be so unspectacular, so painfully boring.

Can anyone relate? Did getting better bring you challenges and problems that suprised you? Is feeling better different from what you envisioned?

 

[angrypanda]

So many growing pains!!! I never let anyone close, never expressed emotion, never cried, never trusted anyone. Just like you I started getting better and progressing. This also made me realize how much I had isolated myself, and how much joy this world and people had to offer that I was missing out on. I also discovered that in my darkest moments, having a hand to hold and arms to hug me lessened the hurt extensively.

Making friends, being vulnerable and trusting are terrifying things! It takes an immense amount of courage and some heartache, but the good that comes with it is awesome!

So far "doing better" is exhausting and scary, but those around me are amazed at my progress compared to a year ago.

 

[Changing4Best]

Do your have a dog? Maybe if you had to take a dog out for walks, you would meet some other dog owners out and about the neighborhood too? It might be a helpful way to meet some folks, and then when you are home, to help you feel not so alone too.

 

[Mallaky]

@SheilaKathy No, no pets. I cannot afford them at the moment. It is a lifelong dream to have a dog though. :) A year ago I had a wonderfull dream in which I had a puppy. One of those lively dreams one can remember forever. When I woke up and it turned out I had no dog I cried the rest of the day. :cry: Grieved my imaginary dream-puppy. Thats how much I am looking forward to the time I can afford a dog. :happy:

@teresadonn Thanks! It is very comforting to read that you are going through the same stuff. :hug: I love the expression "Growing Pains." It is perfect.

 

[Chava]

I relate to change being purely tedious sometimes. It does feel a little bit like survival mode or life support quite often. I'm working on creating or maintaining some positive connections and even calling my AA sponsor feels like work. I like her...she's nice and smart and everything, but I don't seem to be able to benefit automatically from human connection. On some level I know I miss it but I have also created a life of getting by largely without it...and am also noticing how isolated I am now that I've quit over working.

It feels like basic human needs that I have ignored for too long have woken up

Yes. I think this was too horrible for me to even notice before. I kept busy doing things I liked or felt good at (did this through childhood too to get away from family, not get in trouble...so it's a deep pattern...I don't naturally feel good or comforted around others, but since I'm human I'm feeling the slow-burning pain of disconnection). I wonder if my lack of human connection also relates to my level of pain...growing up I felt numb most of the time (don't even remember pain)...not many good or comforting feelings anywhere. So as I pull out of numbness, I only feel pain. I've had to consciously work on picking up my cat and noticing how that connection actually decreases my pain somewhat. Not to go off on a tangent...

It sounds like you're working hard and consistently and making good steps. I relate to 3 steps forward, 2 back. It helps me to think of this as all the process of life. Also, I don't regret the years and habits of isolation....kept me safe as a kid sometimes and also helped me learn how to entertain myself and be independent. I have a lot of strong interests. I feel "real" to myself (but not necessarily when in relationships, unfortunately). I didn't do anything wrong. Now it's just that making connections feels like work because it's a skill that is not natural, so it doesn't even feel good all the time, but I keep practicing, like I'm trying to learn piano or something...and hope that the joy of it comes later when I don't have to think or try so much. I think slow is good...for me the lasting change comes about like this....I barely notice it happening and a lot of days feel like "work". But I'm prone to less extreme meltdowns, I'm not burning myself, I'm connecting a little differently, even if still generally avoidant and willing to spend days on end by myself.