Dom Violence The Problem With Escaping.

[Meadowsweet]

I watched an interview with a woman, who was one of the first women to use the first womens shelter (it was called a home for battered women back then). She has an amazing story and has just published an autobiography about her life. If my memory wasn't so bad, I would tell you she was - if anyone else saw the interview or knows her name, I'd appreciate being filled in (it was on BBC Breakfast this morning).

One thing she pointed out was that in a physically violent relationship, you need to plan to leave. This is because it is proven to be the most dangerous time for the woman.

In my violent relationship, I had planned to leave. But the plan was childish and naive and I didn't have the resources or the self confidence to do it. So in the end I literally walked out with nothing and went round to a friends house.

He convinced me that I needed to be further away and not have any contact. So we went and slept on the floor at his daughters house. So I was homeless, and I went to social housing to try and get help. Despite having very visible bruising all over my face, the woman looked at me apologetically and said that unless I had reported my ex to the police or come to them through a womans refuge, the system would consider me as having made myself 'voluntarily homeless' and therefore, they wouldn't assist me in finding a home.

In that situation and in my mental state at the time, I felt trapped in the relationship I had began with the man who helped me escape. He wasn't violent, but he treat me with any respect or dignity, and from early in the relationship he would say if I didn't like anything that he did, then I knew where the door was. But for me, the door was something that without him would leave me homeless and completely alone without any friends to turn to for support or assistance.

My self esteem remained very low and I never imagined that I was capable of surviving alone. It was only after I'd had my children and he started working away, that I realised that I was managing alone, and the unpleasant times were the weekends when he came home.

I don't dwell on what could have been, but I have to acknowledge that if I'd found support when I left the violent partner, I might have found my freedom a lot earlier. So I very much agree with the lady on the TV, that planning an escape is essential. She also said that things hadn't got any easier for women these days.

So I wondered how others have found their escape from violent partners?

I wonder how others have

 

[macbeth]

I left because I was removed by child welfare along with my daughters. My partner had tried to stab me and he called the police threating to finish me and the girls off. The police then phoned child welfare and they came and removed us from the situation. I then went to stay with my parents 100 km away.

We were then re housed by social housing and he found out where we were because his parents lived in the same town. For six months I lived in that house and he would stalk me, sit and watch my house at night, and he would also turn up after midnight bagging on windows and screaming at me, threatening me and constantly calling, making threats to kill me. I was terrified to the point I slept with a knife under my pillow, if I slept at all. I became too frightened to rest as soon as the sun went down.

One day I had enough and walked out, never to return. My neighbours called the local police because they hadn't seen me so they did a welfare check. I was later told by them that they thought I had been killed by my ex partner, such was the concern they had for me. It scared me to be told how much the police were worried about me. I then became homeless but looking back I think that is what saved us. We were moved from shelter to shelter and because we moved so much my ex couldn't track us down.

I never had a plan only sheer luck but as one councillor said to me, "but for the Grace of God go I".

 

[digger]

With hindsight, I did it all the 'wrong' way. It's interesting because I kind of indirectly ended up talking about this with my counsellor at a recent session. About how it's all pretty f*cked up that it's the victim that has to do the leaving, that ends up having to give so much up. It didn't happen like that though in my case. Not initially. Although it ended up like that and definitely got very much worse after we split up.

Initially, he was the one who left the house. Went to stay with friends. That's when things really just went crazy for a few years. I ended up moving twice to escape. Left the country (well technically - Scotland to England). Had to cut ties with all my friends in the end. Ended up alone, completely, on a pretty scary estate in a city I didn't know. Wondering when he was going to turn up next and what he would do to me this time.

There were times when I really could see no end to it without one of being dead.

 

[digger]

Was it this woman?.....argh okay, I can't post links here??? Try googling Jenny Smith The Refuge: My Journey to the Safe House for Battered Women

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, thank you Digger, that's the lady.

 

[a3a2]

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself about not escaping the right way. Just getting out alive is an accomplishment. Many women never leave their abusers. Many die trying.