I loved reading this and appreciate it. I'm, for the first time in my life, owning my anger and stress. In small doses, but taking what I can get.
Recently, I found out that my not-working car needed to get fixed because my apartment complex needed to pave the parking lot. I had a week to move it and had no idea how to. First, came "I'll do it myself" out og pride, then I decided to get it fixed locally and realizing I needed to borrow $$ from my parents.
I called freaked out to my mom. She said "This happens, no need to suffer, we'll help." And in a follow up conversation, she asked me why I didn't say anything sooner. I told her "Please don't ask me that, that question is a trigger and to be honest, it was pride as well as not knowing exactly what I needed." I was crying as I said this. I wasn't falsifying or exaggerating. I thought it was done.
The next day, I asked for additional $$ to get groceries for the week and my mom said OK. I then was asked again why I didn't say anything sooner. I understood her concern, but then she listed about ten cases where I needed help from them and "waited too long".
The understanding that I both couldn't sense/feel the initial stress due to numbing as well as being familiar with not caring enough about myself to want to be comfortable, was lost on her. Intellectually, I understood. However, I was severely hurt because she said "It's not about the money, we love you" followed by "You screwed up a lot, here's the list:".
It was almost good to hear this, because it made me look at my actions in the face. It made me realize that there's still a lot of bad habits I have in response to my behavior that's mainly caused by my PTSD. It also caused me to follow my emotions and not talk to my mom for a few days, so I could cool down. I never did that before. I always left my emotions behind due to not wanting to offend. She texted and called me a few times. I lied and said I wasn't upset. A few days later, she called and I answered honestly.
I cried and explained again that I don't know why I did what I did, that I was so buried that I couldn't see things clearly. She then said "Yes, but I don't understand what that has to do with your not starting your car every day. Do you understand?"
Circles.
I'm now acknowledging and owning this more. I know it's my stress level and my defense mechanisms and some cognitive issues as well as the not caring about comfort. I need to see this, not her. I know this.
Long way of saying, thanks for posting & glad to have come across the direct article as well as being amongst others who "get" it.