The Single Most Damaging Thing I Do

[notbroken]

I only do this when I'm in a really horrible depressive state.

I get on facebook and go through the messages my abuser and I sent each other. Did you know that blocking someone does not get rid of those messages? Needless to say this never ever helps my mood and usually the next couple days are spent numb and robotic.

Trying to stop. I can't seem to stop. Sometimes I can head it off if the urge is coming on, but that energy usually just gets rerouted into drinking or crying or something else.

When I'm in a better place I look back on this and go.... wtf? Why did I do that...

I don't know if it's cathartic, and I'm between counselors, but it feels pretty damaging.

Is there anyone out there who does this same kind of thing? Any tips on stopping before you start? :p

Does anyone do things like this? Why do we do these things?

 

[DMerish]

Why don't you delete the messages?

 

[notbroken]

For a long time, they constituted evidence. That's not really why though. Now it's out of a misplaced urge to hang on to the past. I guess that's the awful part. I've destroyed so much that he gave me, this is about the last thing I can think of that remains.

I don't know. I'm weak.

 

[DMerish]

I don't know. I'm weak.

^ I don't buy that. ^

Before you go there and start reading, what are you feeling?

 

[notbroken]

Messed up.
Like, MESSED UP. Usually not that far off from a panic attack, one of the really bad ones that leaves me on the floor gasping.

It would never occur to me in any other state, and I don't even think about it at other times. It's what I do when I am completely isolated and struggling to hold on.

I did it earlier tonight.

 

[DMerish]

I'm not sure if it would work for you, but if I found myself doing something like you described I think I would set up a new FB account, with an entirely different ID/name, tell only my real family and friends what the my new account name is, and completely delete the other one.

I know black-and-white thinking is talked a lot as being something that's unfavorable. But for me, there are certain things I simply just have to approach with black-and-white thinking. I'm very sensitive to alcohol. I know that. I've only drank to near excess a couple of times. I don't know why I did it. I didn't like the results afterwards. So my attitude towards drinking (for my self) is just not to do it.

 

[notbroken]

Maybe some things are black and white. Colors, for instance.

I know I need to delete these messages. I excised everything else like it was a tumor; this part of the abuser-tumor is just more aggressive than the rest maybe.

Part of me still thinks of this in terms of 'evidence'-- not necessarily for police, but more to prove to myself that this happened, that this part of my memory is correct, etc. I have trouble with memories of the abuse sometimes, so in a messed up way it helps to have solid, concrete evidence that this happened the way I remember it.

Not that I want to spend all my time remembering. I hope you understand what I mean.

 

[DMerish]

I think I know what you're saying . . .

I have a paper file of "evidence" . . . It's been with me for many years. I never looked at it a whole lot because doing so did result in feeling messed up afterwards. I haven't looked in that file for maybe five years. But why do I still keep it? I dunno. Yes, I keep it in part because some of my memory surrounding the abuse caused to me screwy memories of the event(s) and partly because I'm afraid my memory will get worse as I age. This really makes no logical sense: if my memory becomes such that I'm not able to remember things voluntarily on my own, why in the world would I want to look into that paper file folder of "evidence" and shine a light on that sh!t?

Paper files aren't as easy to get to as things on FB, or other places on one's computer, etc. Maybe you could print out those messages, put them away in a closet like I did, then get rid of the old FB page.

Now that you've got me thinking, I should probably find that file folder of mine and do a little ceremony - light a fire, dance around it, throw the folder into the fire, spit on it, and get rid of it once and for all . . . Hmmmm, might do that. I might.

 

[notbroken]

A while back I burned most everything he left behind, getting rid of things is what I do best! :tup: I will always advise fire for that sort of thing. You really can't beat it for finality.

I definitely have some more work to do. Thanks for helping me straighten out my thoughts on this btw. I think it just got a little easier to do the needful

 

[DMerish]

You're welcome, Notbroken. You've helped me by starting this thread. The title, "The Single Most Damaging Thing That I Do" made me think about myself - what is the most single damaging thing I do? And that's procrastinate!!!

I made an aim for myself, for January, and that is to clean out my closet. That means I'm going to be touching that old folder, and I bet you can guess what I'll do with it now, eh?

:hug:

 

[notbroken]

I procrastinate very much too. Sometimes everything is exhausting. Sometimes there is so much to do that I go back to sleep instead :banghead:

I'd like to hear more from other people too... I think everyone has something they live with uneasily, some strange damaging thing that it's easier to not acknowledge. But where did easy ever get anyone...

I like this place, it's easier to talk about this stuff here :hug:

 

[DMerish]

:tup: Yep, it's pretty real here. Lots of good people. I hope you make some good friends here, Notbroken. I've had PTSD twenty plus years. Lots of therapy, etc. But this forum has helped me in the last six months, in some respects, more than anything else I've done.