The Single Most Damaging Thing I Do

[Hashi]

Part of me still thinks of this in terms of 'evidence'-- not necessarily for police, but more to prove to myself that this happened, that this part of my memory is correct, etc. I have trouble with memories of the abuse sometimes, so in a messed up way it helps to have solid, concrete evidence that this happened the way I remember it.

This is tricky. I understand the importance of evidence when doubt creeps in.

Do you have other evidence? Was there an outcome with the police - a conviction, a restraining order, a report or anything? Have you got messages or emails from friends which validate what you went through?

 

[Ryn]

I do this as well - not with my abuser, but with an ex-bestfriend who was extremely verbally and emotionally hurtful and put me through a horrible silent treatment for 2 yrs straight and counting. I continually find myself scrolling through old emails that I can't bring myself to delete or listening to voicemails. Even though I know full well it will hurt me, I always find myself doing it anyway. I'm not sure if it's more from my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, my self-defeating tendencies, or a combination of both... So sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds really tough. :(

 

[scout86]

My T says that pretty much everything we do is, or was, "adaptive" on some level. He goes on to say that that doesn't mean it's based on the most " up to date and accurate" information. (He's really big an making the effort to acquire "up to date, accurate information".) Sometimes the "reasons" for doing stuff aren't real obvious. If he's right (and I find he's right most of the time, even when I wish he wasn't) then there is something about this that accomplishes something for some part of your mind, or it did and you're still doing it. I don't know what. The answer to that is somewhere in your own head.

Maybe you DO want the actual proof that the experience was real. I can think of a number of reasons that might be important. And doubting your own memories seems common and reasonable. Maybe there's a reason you want to spend the next couple of days feeling numb and robotic? (Seriously, sometimes "not feeling" seems much better than "feeling", doesn't it?) If you think you're doing it to make yourself feel worse, maybe you feel the need to punish yourself? I really don't know, but I believe there's a reason and it seems like trying to figure it out would be good.

Good luck!

 

[Oregonhasmyheart]

I get this. I do it too! I even understand your reasoning that you do it as evidence to yourself that the abuse happened. Somehow it can be validating to awash myself in the memories to feel the grief, the fear, the panic again while reading the messages or looking at photos, as if it reminds me why I feel so hollow and empty inside. As if by doing it says, "This really happened to you and you still need to process these emotions, you're not making this up". My mind has a fantastic way of pushing out the ugly thoughts and memories, of blaming myself for the bad stuff while simultaneously downgrading the actual event, practically absolving the perpetrator of any wrong doing. I think that's common for survivors of abuse of any kind. "Maybe he actually didn't view it as rape" or "Maybe he was too drunk to recognize my screams and struggles as actual fear" or "It was only sex after all, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this, maybe he thought we were having fun and I'm a prude". When I read messages that he sent me after, or look at photos of him it brings a clearer focus of him and my memories of the event into my mind and in that moment with vivid certainty I know it WAS rape

I don't know that it is a healthy thing to do. I'm sure a therapist, as they have in the past, would tell me to delete them but I feel like I need them. Maybe I need that reminder. I also tend to do this when I am in a deeply depressive/isolated state and maybe also, as scout86 mentioned above, need it in order to numb out which can indeed feel safer than depression.

It's strange the things we do to cope. I've done much weirder things for sure; but that's a different post for a different day...;)

I agree though, this forum has been so useful for me. I don't get to get on here often but it's nice to be surrounded by "others" and not just that but "others" that are fighting and not giving up, who are getting better.

Maybe my post isn't relevant to your experience at all but I feel like I do kind of relate.

 

[NicG]

I do this EXACT thing. I blocked my abuser for a year only to realise later that the messages were all still there. And it's only ever tempting to read them when I'm already in a situation where if I sink any lower, I'm not coming out of it for a while. I keep my facebook messages as "evidence" too in case I ever need to prove to someone what my abuser did to me. And if I ever need to remind myself that it's real, it happened, I'm not overreacting etc. So much like what everyone else is saying.

What I've done with some messages is I copy them off the site or programs they're stored on (Skype, facebook etc) and save them in a word document. Then I'll either find a USB, put them on there ONLY and hide the USB, or I'll store them in my computer, but through a million billion folders. Like I'll have a big long folder chain with names like "no", "stop", "it'll just make you feel worse", "you're worth more than this" and so on so I have a lot of opportunity to turn back, and a lot of positive self-talk in the way.

My mind has a fantastic way of pushing out the ugly thoughts and memories, of blaming myself for the bad stuff while simultaneously downgrading the actual event, practically absolving the perpetrator of any wrong doing.

This. I frequently get like this too, so THEN I find it helpful to read over just a few messages so that I'm reminded that nothing was ever my fault. Glad we're not alone!