The Supposed See-saw

[AlmostFellForIt]

But try looking back and see if you have a slight pattern of occasionally missing work, or going for periods of no appetite, or bouts of insomnia - none of it will look too bad on the surface, but it could be signaling an organic depression in addition to what is happening because of your trauma, and might need a two-pronged approach.

It's interesting you say this. I've often been a pretty bad sleeper but thought nothing if it. Years ago I decided that alcohol was the remedy to get to sleep. This actually worked for a while. Then it backfired.. Sure I'd get drowsy (and fall asleep) but then I'd suffer from broken sleep and early wakefulness, often 2-3 hours after going to sleep I'd wake with heart palpitations and a foreboding angst of nothing in particular, but I'd be very alert, 2 hours later I'd fall asleep.

What did happen though for a while which concerned me was I'd wake up mildly hypervigilant at some point in the night and check all the doors were locked and then just sit in the darkness of the house and scan the windows for danger, like I was sure I was about to catch an intruder. This only happened for a while and only when my anxiety (in the day) was really bad. I don't get night tremors, nightmares or visual flashbacks which I find weird. This behaviour did eventually stop though, so something was going on at that time.

I feel more fortunate than some members here. I am not a victim or sexual or physical abuse. My trauma stems from a rageaholic narcissistic father who I'm sure has PTSD and is a psycopath. Extremely volatile, violent and an alcoholic who used everyone around him as a dumping ground for his rage. My childhood revolved around escaping to women's refuge homes with my Mother or living with him and dealing with it... Wouldn't have ever thought being in the presence of such energy can harm someone forever, this is the problem I guess with more slight and less apparent trauma's they're complex.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Over long observation, I've seen a pattern. It starts when life is relatively good. Then anxiety ramps up because I am trying desperately to hold on to anything good I have, not trusting that it can last .

I get this, it's like you've read my mind.I used to think it was what people just did but now realise it's perverse PTSD induced non sense. I'd get 'eternal thinking' and project very far into the future and ruminate on possible life failure modes , catastrophizing , dramatizing and so on... Getting "Stuck" on things that aren't real etc.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Newsflash*

Thank you for all who participated in this discussion.

As a result, it's actually occurred to me I've been depressed the entire time - Anxiety and depression have coexisted, I've just for some reason noticed the anxiety and not the depression. It's pervasive though, it cycles (daily) so for that reason I've dismissed it.


I've come to realise that most of this depression has come as a result of my process improvement ethic being stuck on trying and this trying to cognitively engineer myself a perfect life... Which of course never happens as reality never equals this idea I have of life.My hedonic set point is screwed.

 

[sun seeker]

Good realization! I've had both for a long time too, but recognized the depression long before the anxiety. When something is always there it can take time and comparing your reactions to those of others around you before you realize there's something not right.

 

[joeylittle]

@AlmostFellForIt, I'm really glad you are looking at this in the larger context of your life, now. Depression can be sneaky.

I've come to realise that most of this depression has come as a result of my process improvement ethic being stuck on trying

It's good to figure out this piece too. If it helps at all, my advice is to right now (as you are heading into a low point) not work on the root cause so much as the management and alleviation of symptoms. It's really hard to dig down into changing core beliefs when you are already kind of operating at a deficit, the way it is when symptoms are flaring. Does your therapist do any DBT with you? If not, you might want to ask them specifically about distress tolerance and mindfulness - those are two of the four larger concepts (the others being emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness), and they have helped me out a lot, especially when I've gone through the periods when my medication isn't working right.