Part of what gets hard for me with something like this is, although it's a single thing - my hands were bound - it functions differently, depending on what else was going on.
This is so true for me too.
Even the moment of being cut out of being tied up, that was it’s own type of thing.
How do you notice that you are having a hard time facing it (if you don't mind my asking)?
I forget that it was part of the trauma, or it’s all that comes to mind about the trauma. When it comes to mind, my face gets flushed and I start to ignore it again. When I try to describe it to my therapist, my body actually stings where I was tied up. I think I feel shame, and I shut down to talking about it. It’s really hard to describe (but it’s been good to try to find the words anyhow.)
The trauma itself isn’t in my head like a movie, but like a bunch of snapshots. One of the images most burned into my brain was a moment of staring at my hand, while trying to get it free, when much worse was going on. I tried to will myself to feel nothing but my hands and to get free.
Later on, I broke free once... didn’t last long.
Other times in my life when I wasn’t tied up but enduring trauma - I can have greater doubt about my helplessness. During the trauma, I could at least do something with my hands to try to survive.
Being tied up? I was pretty damn helpless. I hate feeling helpless.
The hours I spent tied up, where the main thing I was enduring was being tied up? All that fear and no where for it to all go...
It’s also an aspect of trauma that doesn’t seem to get talked about much. Or maybe it’s not that common.
