Sexual Assault The urge to bite

[Sweetleaf]

A discussion in the chat made me think of making this thread, because I had never spoken about it on here, only to my therapist. But, it made me feel less alone to hear someone else say that they had the same thing happen to them.

The sensation, during a sexual assault, where there is a penis in your mouth and you have no option but to allow these things to happen to you, but you just feel this massive urge to bite, which you can't give into. For me, the reason I couldn't give into it was because if I did, I would almost certainly die, or at best, be severely injured, or have who knows what happen to me. Maybe other people had a similar sort of situation going on.

(I also had the desire to crush his dick with my hands or otherwise harm it when I was forced to... ugh.. just do that stuff you know what I am talking about)

I actually have something I want to say about when I told my therapist about it.

I told her, and as soon as it came out of my mouth, she let out a quick laugh, like it was really funny. I didn't laugh though, I didn't think it was funny, I actually got kind of surprised by the laugh, like startled by it, in that it was so unexpected.

Then she helped talk me through things to feel better about it. I didn't really know how to react to the laugh. I don't really feel like she did something wrong, I just feel like it was unexpected, that she found it funny, that I wanted to do that, when to me, it was actually a really horrible feeling, because it was making it painfully obvious to me just how much I didn't want to be doing that, just how much every part of my brain was going "oh god please let it just f*cking end, holy shit, this is f*cking agony." Oh man this next bit is gonna be tough. When that was going on, and I would feel his dick get any softer, I would internally scream, because I knew it meant that I had to suffer through it all for longer. When it ended, I would usually just collapse and go blank, and just lay there, breathing, exhausted, physically, mentally... this has elements in common with other types of sexual assault I had to endure. Ugh.

I feel sick, like I'm going to vomit. My head hurts. That's as far as I can go right now. I'm tapping out.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Hopeforlife]

Such a difficult scenario for me to delve into. I’m sorry this happened to you too. But yes I can relate. Hugs for you if you accept.

 

[Swift]

Yes, absolutely.
I gagged on my meds the other night because body memory.
There's something incredibly helpless in that moment, where you know that you could physically do it, but the consequences would be hell.
Interestingly enough my main rapist was a woman but I never had the urge to bite her vagina. Dunno why.
I kinda had the opposite with her in that I'd try to take my time when I was doing stuff to her because it was much better to do stuff to her than have her do it to me. With the guys (her friends, stellar specimen of humanity, that woman), I just wanted it over.
Body memories like whoa after reading/writing that.
Take good care of yourself.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I'm so sorry you guys had to go through what you did. You help me feel so much less alone in this though. Thank you for sharing your words with me.

Such a difficult scenario for me to delve into.

Oh trust me, when I was writing it, it was difficult for me, particularly once I hit that last large paragraph. I was thinking of how other people might feel reading it, and how people might get triggered. But, I often just have things keep coming to me as I'm writing, and sometimes, I will keep trying to write as much as I can until I can't stand the physical body reactions that I'm getting from it, and can't take how it's making me feel, in my head, or whatever it's doing to me. Part of it is, I really want to get the thought out, as it's coming to me, because identifying those things that make me feel distressed enough to stop, can sometimes help me figure out what to target next in therapy.

Sometimes, it bites me in the ass. I bite off more than I can chew. I can't bring myself to reread the original post, for now. I just want to not feel that nausea.

Also my reactions after, and from reading people's replies, can help me figure things out, and be really helpful.

I gagged on my meds the other night because body memory.

I haven't gagged on my meds, but I've had a lot of things like that happen.

There's something incredibly helpless in that moment, where you know that you could physically do it, but the consequences would be hell.

Oh god yes, it is such a helpless feeling, and that helplessness, to me, really increased the frustration, anger, ugh, just so much shit. Getting a little nauseous now.

With the guys (her friends, stellar specimen of humanity, that woman), I just wanted it over.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, I relate with this sentiment so much. I've only been sexually assaulted by one male, but I always just wanted it to be over. It's interesting to hear your perspective on this.

Body memories like whoa after reading/writing that.

Me too, during/after writing my posts.

 

[Hopeforlife]

Do any of you ever get pins and needles around your eyes when having this flashback/body memory etc? @Sweetleaf respect for bringing the subject up. It is probably the next subject for me to get out with my therapist and so not looking forward to trying to put a voice to it. I have a lot more to talk about on this so maybe I will post later.

 

[Friday]

Oh, I did bite. Physically it had about as much effect as biting a phone book. Ie none whatsoever. Arguably worse? He liked it. A lot. Figures.

Laughing, by the by, is a way some people cheer. Like Hell yes! Good for you! both to either the impulse to fight back or the self restraint you had to use in order to save your own life.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Do any of you ever get pins and needles around your eyes when having this flashback/body memory etc?

Hmm. I am not sure, I don't think I do.
It mostly just feels like the things that happened, happening again, though primarily in the body parts that were feeling it most intensely, pain, pressure, gagging, choking, needing air. All sorts of very vivid imagery accompanying this, often replaying what was happening, remembering specific occasions.

Oh, I did bite. Physically it had about as much effect as biting a phone book. Ie none whatsoever. Arguably worse? He liked it. A lot. Figures.

Wow. This post is making a lot of shit go through my head. f*ck.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Laughing, by the by, is a way some people cheer. Like Hell yes! Good for you! both to either the impulse to fight back or the self restraint you had to use in order to save your own life.

My head is feeling very hot right now just from this threads content, but this was basically my impression of why she did it, that day, I just couldn't find the words. I can't make myself feel that way about it. But, I can understand if someone else feels that way about it.

I think I need to lie down. I'll check back later, hopefully I can sleep and come back with a fresh head.

 

[Swift]

@Sweetleaf thanks for posting this even though it must.have been really hard to do.
Re: triggers, yeah this stuff is triggering, but there's a time and a place for discussing triggering stuff and that place is here and the time is when you feel like it. We're all responsible for ourselves. So please write whatever you like, for my part I know I can always shut the post and come back around to it later.
And re: my stuff, idk if my perspective applies to anyone except me, or if it's in any way correct. They don't write a handbook on this shit. My experience is pretty unusual in that the ringleader was a woman. Female paedophiles are rare, but they do happen. Jackpot. Most people I've read stories from on here with multiple perpetrators of both genders, the ringleader has been a man, so I don't know anything about how that is.

I'm sorry your therapist laughed. The kindest interpretation is a shock reflex? I don't think it's in any way funny so that's the only way I can interpret it.
My new psychiatrist said something so f*cked up. She asked in a considerate way about my sexuality (I'm a gay chick), saying that people who are sexually abused as kids generally go for the opposite gender to their abuser. I said I'd been abused by both genders, so I'm Schroedinger's Gay. Then she asked who the blokes were, I said they were my perpetrator's friends, and she goes "you were passed around, then."
I wish I could tell you I did something incredibly badass in response, but no. It was like a punch to the chest. I played it cool and changed the subject.
The best way I've rationalized it is that she was shocked and literally just blurted it out. I kinda think she should have had more control given she's a f*cking psychiatrist, but everyone's human. I was in my work gear, which is indie professional (I'm a graphic designer, think black jeans, collared shirt and tailored jacket, long necklace, and killer dark lipstick/eyeliner, boots, I have longish blonde hair and I looked put together which is one of my ways of coping with stressful situations), I'm quite polite and I make a sh*t ton of jokes when I'm uncomfortable. I probably told her I was fifty shades of gay. But yeah, doesn't give her license to say that or yours license to laugh.

 

[littleoc]

Do any of you ever get pins and needles around your eyes when having this flashback/body memory etc?

Yes. For me, they seem to be related to tension headaches.

 

[Hopeforlife]

Yes. For me, they seem to be related to tension headaches.

Yes mainly for me too. Although it is a similar feeling also to when you are having a coughing fit and feel like your eyes are popping out and you haven’t taken in enough oxygen.

 

[Mach123]

I would just ask her. I really like my therapist so I would ask her if a thing like that happened. I know about her a little, she wrote a book so I know she went through the same things I did and she is obviously better. If it was in the beginning, I would have been really unhinged and thought about nothing else for the entire week leading up to the next appointment and we wouldn't have had email yet so I would have called her. An episode, in other words. : (