The Vulnerability Of The Abused To More Abuse

[Meadowsweet]

I've been susceptible to abuse in adulthood, call it stupid or vulnerable, it makes no difference. The fact is, that there are people in the world that see someone who has trauma damage and use it to keep an upper hand, to manipulate and abuse. It scares the hell out of me.

I se it in some of the supporters here, not all, there are some genuine, but too many. Yet they act as saintly victims, and though they aren't connected to me, it makes me wonder if I'm going mad. Like, haven't they convinced the world that they are hard done by and the bad person is the one who has experienced trauma - and that they have this badness because they have experienced trauma?

That could be me. I've grown up thinking I'm a bad person because of abuse and lack of support, and here I am at forty hearing people say that trauma makes people bad people and the rest of the world has to suffer them. It makes me feel very very sick, and perhaps I just need a rant before I can deal with this. But most of all, I'm scared for the future - I want to be able to tell people and to trust them, but the things I see being said suggests its better always to keep quiet about weaknesses and needs.

 

[sunnydayz]

here I am at forty hearing people say that trauma makes people bad people and the rest of the world has to suffer them. .

I agree! In my own situation, I have been told by my husbands he likes the fat me (I have lost a bunch of weight) because I was nicer, etc. When in fact, the fat me was niave and too afraid to face my demons. For whatever reason, I am stronger now and can stand up for my self and say what is on my mind...which, in a way, makes me men or a bad person. I don't think that I am at all, but it sure doesn't help having people in your life trying to make you believe otherwise.

 

[Jane.l]

Oh I so get you - I have been betrayed by every man I have let near me and some women too and I have been told it's because 'I am damaged goods ' - I hate hate that phrase but after a while you do believe it must be something about you.

And it scares me too - recently separated- just about to be divorced - and I can't see how I will ever let anyone in again.

 

[tillybee]

@Meadowsweet my trauma is not just one it's multiple over the years, one after the other. No support, bottled up for years and years. Just carry on just carry on - keeping it at the back of my mind.

It's the fact that i'm a bit guliable too. I look at people like they are me caring and loyal. They aren't. Some are cruel monsters who have hurt me terribly in the most horrid ways. So I can connect with your story.

I also lock myself in my bedroom so no one else can hurt me like a child! You aren't on your own & I know I'm not now hugs! :)

 

[Spiderallis]

It's a human thing to think others are more like us than they really are- just think of all the thieves who worry about being robbed, it's no different than good people thinking other people are good too, even when they might not really be. I know for me, it's gotten easier to notice when the old patterns repeat with new people- even before I knew what PTSD is or that I have it, I started catching the patterns quicker and removing myself from those situations.

There are still good people in the world, I promise. I've found a few of them, they are not extinct. Some of them are even patient enough to let people like us re-learn how to trust another human again. Please don't give up- ''damaged goods" doesn't have to be a permanent thing, healing makes it easier to find healthy boundaries and let someone into your life in safe ways. I'm not good at it yet, but it's possible.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Great thread Meadowsweet.
With you, sending prayers.

 

[Nebulustrix]

"We all see the world through tinted eyes" comes to my mind. Much as I am certain we all try, it can be very very difficult to truly put ourselves in another person's shoes and see their "tinted" version of the world. Even harder is removing our tint to see the world the way it really is.

I believe everyone has a tendency to victimize themselves, because everyone is trying their hardest to be a good, decent person and can only see, from their own perspective, the people, events, things etc that get in their way and make their journey difficult. Whether or not we really are victims, we all sometimes feel like the whole world is against us, the people we love just don't understand, and those we should be able to trust are out to get us.

Because of these individual biases and our imperfect perceptions, another difficulty can be removing our walls, guards, and barriers that we put in place to protect ourselves from hurts (unintended or purposeful) of similarly broken people in the world just trying to make the best of their lives. We get hurt, and we hurt those around us, and we all just have to keep picking ourselves back up and keep trying to push forward.

Relationships can be especially difficult, because they require extending more trust, exposing ourselves to more possible hurts, and making ourselves more vulnerable than any other situation or circumstance we can place ourselves in. I am fairly certain that even those people who cause us terrible pains are "good people" in their hearts, and I believe that no one is entirely innocent of causing harm in the event of a broken relationship.

An abuser is someone with a strong will, used to getting their way, difficulty feeling empathy or recognizing signs/body-language indicating discomfort or unhappiness in another, and glasses tinted to view anything not going their way as an assault on their person. They find themselves paired off with those who are weak willed used to giving in, extremely sensitive to the signs/body-language of others, and glasses tinted to view themselves as failures whenever things don't go as planned. Why do these pair ups happen over and over again? Because these two personalities feed off the weaknesses of the other, strengthening the abuser/abused relationship instead of strengthening the individuals to help them overcome their weaknesses.

I believe that neither individual in relationships like this are truly "bad". Certainly, when the abuser chooses to consciously harm their partner, they are in the wrong, but they cannot conquer these demon on their own anymore than the abused can. Both need help. Both need healing. Both need to recognize the flaws and weaknesses in their personality so that they can be worked on and overcome, so that the individual can become healthy and seek out a healthy relationship.

The same analogy comes up with supporter/sufferer relationships. Those who are suffering seek a relationship with a supporter. And those who wish to be supportive seek a relationship with a sufferer. The difference here, from the abuser/abused relationship, is that a supporter/sufferer relationship has a greater potential for success IF the supporter can assist in truly strengthening the sufferer. Unfortunately, there is also great potential for a supporter/sufferer relationship to turn into an abuser/abused relationship, with the sufferer taking on the role of the abuser and the supporter taking on the role of the abused OR vice versa, depending on the innate personality traits and weaknesses of each.

I believe the only solution, the only way to cease perpetuating the cycles, is for all of us to cease seeing ourselves as victims. No matter what role you have been placed in in past relationships, no matter what role you currently cast yourself in, you are only a victim if you choose to be a victim. You are only a victim, if you see yourself as victimized. We are all equally broken, and as long as we keep relying on a relationship to fix us, we will remain broken. We should seek relationships with those who help lift and strengthen us, with those who encourage healthy choices, those who stand up for themselves without rudely stepping on the toes of those around them or cutting them down. And we should each strive to be just such a person to those with whom we have a relationship.

 

[Powder]

In _Haunted Self_ a book on structural dissociation, the authors proposed that those of us with childhood onset PTSD have dissociation. Part of that is that we think other people "shift" or change. I have been thinking on this today.

I have seen many people abused by caregivers as children (myself included) view new acquaintances as "better than self" and ascribe more value to them then reality merits. Then, as time passes and reality and evidence they are human sets in, they fall in status and sometimes fears they are no better than the abusers rear their heads. Then, we might see them as scary or worse than we need to.

This is not to be confused with "black and white" thinking. This has to do with determining the safety of others and social learning.

I go through this often, and even though I am aware of it and what it is, I still do it. I do not know if it gets better. Part of why I think it may not get better is that as a survivor, (not a victim) I cannot find much validation from others who are not survivors.

Survivors could potentially understand and validate. We won't share many definitions, but we "get" each other on a deep, non-verbal level in some cases. We understand that we are different from "normal" people, even if we pass for normal, we are not, and never will be because our experiences lie far out in the no-man's-land of the norm.

In this place, Meadowsweet, we determine good and bad. You are never a bad person because of what happened to you. And even the best people made mistakes. Nobody should take issue on that front. It is choosing to hurt others, realizing that is what one is doing, and yet, never desiring to change that--that is what I see as a basically bad person. A bad person is simply someone who has yet to try to clean and start again, making things right if they can with those they have hurt. It is hard to see the good in some people. But you are not one of those.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In _Haunted Self_ a book on structural dissociation, the authors proposed that those of us with childhood onset PTSD have dissociation. Part of that is that we think other people "shift" or change. I have been thinking on this today.

I would like to discuss this "shifting", but perhaps in a new thread as I think it deserves a discussion of its own and I don't want to distract from this thread too much.

I haven't read the book, but this statement stops me in my tracks---I am accused of not being able to see the big picture in that I always use the last thing a person says as proof of how they feel about me. Hence the thought that people are constantly changing. I know why I do it. It's because I constantly need to assess my safety and if those around me are safe. And people on the outside don't understand. I'm so alone and it's really been weighing on me lately. I literally can't trust anyone.

I need to stop now as I am crying. My apologies to Meadowsweet for going off on a tangent. I'll start a new thread tomorrow. It's late now.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

If I'm honest, despite all I've been through I'm still very niaeve, truly I shouldn't be but I still see the good in people and wouldn't have it any other way. I think that's good but I know now to be less trusting of this and primarily to build more boundaries and maintain them. I'm lucky that I haven't been abused much in my adult life and the most obvious time it was not my boundary at fault but my Mum's, a lesson we've both learned from.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I believe the only solution, the only way to cease perpetuating the cycles, is for all of us to cease seeing ourselves as victims. No matter what role you have been placed in in past relationships, no matter what role you currently cast yourself in, you are only a victim if you choose to be a victim. You are only a victim, if you see yourself as victimized.

It is a common philosophy that you've shared, and it provides a neat fitting solution that can solve an lot. Perhaps there is a place for it amongst people who feel victimised when they don't like what someone has said to them, when they lose their job etc. But when a person is raped or nearly murdered, and experiences the symptoms of denial and avoidance associated with PTSD, it no longer fits as a useful philosophy, sorry.

For me personally, when I was last attacked, I was following this philosophy. It enabled me to deny and avoid the reality of what had happened and I continued to put myself in danger and see the good in people, when it would have been far healthier to shout, scream and cry that I had been abused. That denial plays a part in the development of PTSD, because at times the acceptance that we are victims is what is needed in order to process what has happened.

If you are a person with PTSD and it helps you, then perhaps it is right for you. If you're a supporter and feel its right for others, then I hope my sharing has helped give another perspective on this.

 

[Meadowsweet]

In this place, Meadowsweet, we determine good and bad.

@Muse, I was abused in childhood, but didn't develop the full blown, classic PTSD symptoms until in my thirties, due to further abuse. But the less abusive, emotional neglect of childhood has left me with insufficient development emotionally to 'get' what is happening in adult relationships or to respond healthily, or with my safety in mind. My appreciation of what is good and bad, and of putting boundaries, is screwed up.

choosing to hurt others, realizing that is what one is doing, and yet, never desiring to change that--that is what I see as a basically bad person.

This is a useful way of looking at it.

despite all I've been through I'm still very niaeve, truly I shouldn't be but I still see the good in people and wouldn't have it any other way.

I know now to be less trusting of this and primarily to build more boundaries and maintain them.

This seems to relate to what I was saying to muse. I do believe that everyone is good, and I don't want to change that. But it has changed now to a view that everyone is good on the inside, but that I need to seperate that to see more objectively, the actions of people on the outside. I learned to bring up my own children from books and advice from health visitors, one profound lesson was to never say to a child "you are a naughty/silly/unacceptable girl or boy", but always to distinguish between the child themselves and the action, by saying "that behavior is naughty/silly/unacceptable behavior".

For me, this sounds like the solution when dealing with other adults. But I worry that when face to face in an emotional situation, the rose tinted specs of the child will go on and only be able to see the wonderful person, and not the groomer, con man or abuser.