The Vulnerability Of The Abused To More Abuse

[Nebulustrix]

@Meadowsweet - Perhaps I should have specified that this philosophy really only applies to relationships with a significant other. It's that 50/50, give-and-take, etc that means even a relationship with someone extremely selfish/abusive is not necessarily one where either could consider themselves a "victim". Wronged, yes. Abused, yes. Hurt, yes. Victim, not really.

When considering child abuse or violent crimes such as rape, while that may very well have happened with a significant other, the term victim is very much a correct term to use.

It may be a silly distinction, but it has helped me at least, and I am a PTSD sufferer from an abusive relationship if that helps you understand where I'm coming from at all.

 

[BloomInWinter]

This really hit home for me, because it has been at play in every relationship with men. I think dissociation really helps explain why I just never saw the abuse coming, and always felt so stupid afterwards. I can see my Mom in this, as well.

"After a while, you don't even know you're dissociating. It's just automatic. So you can dissociate away a lot of important stuff early on: like discrepancies in his stories, his not-so-nice words he says to you, his tonality in his voice, or other behaviors that should cause you concern, but don't.

Any time we separate a memory from all it's components, you are dissociating from the complete or whole memory which is why remembering ALL the relationship issues are important—not just the good times. The bad times are a part of the memory or the memory is merely a fragment of what really was going on. You can also seperate out other parts of the memory like: sensations, words or phrases, physical or sexual pain inherent in the memory, things you tasted/smelled/saw, and various emotions that were prevalent in the relationship. That's why women get these very skewed 'snap shots' of just the good times—and long after those times. The whole snap shot would look very different indeed if she incorporated all the senses in the memory.

Sometimes women can dissociate or fragment off the 'meaning,' 'motive,' or 'intent' as well. So he uses all your money and your response is "He meant well, he just doesn't know how to handle money." That's not likely the situation so the motive or meaning of what he was REALLY doing is fragmented away from you so you don't have to take action. Dissociation can become an [DLMURL="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/unconscious"]unconscious[/DLMURL] reason to stay "I didn't notice...." because underneath dissociation was naturally at work and it also 'worked' for the ability to stay in the relationship and 'not notice.' How long can you live on the reasoning behind dissociation which is "I didn't know, I didn't notice...." which is why I say that dissociation is not a life skill. It doesn't help you move forward, it keeps you frozen in time."

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pathological-relationships/201211/dissociation-isnt-life-skill[/DLMURL]

 

[Powder]

Dissociation of "extreme flight" to abandon right and wrong in favor of the rose tint that everyone is good is beyond minor child abuse.Could you be minimizing it unconsciously? I'm just so sorry. :(

 

[Valentino]

There is a common pattern I've seen called "Do-Overs" within trauma survivors. Because we never fully process or understand our past traumatic experiences or abusers, we unconsciously are drawn to situations and people with similar energies, to get a chance to "Do-Over" the experience.

Sounds a bit twisted on the surface, but the same thing happens when you get stumped with a game. If you think you can do better or want to be able to finish, you instinctively are drawn to try again. The most addictive games take advantage of this human urge to 'try again', 'do better', or simply a 'Do-Over'.

Any time we separate a memory from all it's components, you are dissociating from the complete or whole memory which is why remembering ALL the relationship issues are important—not just the good times.

This is totally fascinating to me, in the past I thought dissociation was more about going totally unconscious or checking out. Now that I see it can include elements like selective memory or selective attention, which automatically creates incomplete memories. That explains why it seems like so trauma survivors often have gigantic blind spots.

I might be on the opposite side of the dissociation with extreme association skills. I think a good portion of it was learned and developed growing up with deceptively manipulative parents who had personality disorders. In that psychologically abusive or neglective environment, I had to notice all the details, associate and put things into the bigger perspective, big picture, and recognize context. Just to make sense of things. I'm also sure having an Asperger's brain also forced me to develop association skills.

But my association skills aren't everything, I was still susceptible to gas-lighting distortion campaign tactics which challenge or attack my sense of reality. As I better understand the thinking behind personality disordered brains, I'm better able to recognize the common tactics and methods. But it's still a slow process of unlearning and integration.

So my trauma "Do-Overs" ended up with unconsciously seeking out interactions with people who had personality disorders or similar energies. I'm now noticing that consistent pattern in my history. And it seems the best way to break this cycle, is to dive deeper and more open into these relationships to better understand and learn from the experiences. I'm thinking that once the lessons are learned, and I am satisfied with being able to finish the game, and hold my own with my dealings with them. Then I won't have so much of an unconscious drive for more 'Do-Overs' with them.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I know that my life and that of my siblings is fraught with traumatic re-enactment situations. I think this is why it's so crucial that more counselors and other medical professionals screen for PTSD. Unless all the good and bad times are part of the memory, it's too easy to get into repetitive cycles with an abuser.

 

[Powder]

In the book I mentioned above, it is called "incomplete actions" within major action systems. I am not familiar with Pierre Janet's "action systems" prior to this book and context, but after thinking about them, they make sense.

We use communication and relationships to do more than survive; we require these to get to know ourselves (Looking Out, Looking In, 12th Ed. by Adler and Proctor). Wow, if we want to unearth the buried child, the abused child, we have to find that inner child in present and future abusive relationships? Perhaps until we learn to make contact with the abused parts on our own, and access parts of ourselves without the aid of others. In fact, I have experienced this firsthand, and highly recommend using:

• Dream journals and dream discussions online with trusted online friends;
• Writing and talking in general;
• Soul retrieval;
• Poetry writing;
• Drawing;
• Meditation and yoga;
• Counseling;
• Self-acceptance practice in all the above (honoring whatever "Shows up" as okay, right, and natural.

If you can unearth your own buried child, you don't need to continually work in relational dynamics to try to awaken the parts and connect with them. "What goes down, must come up" (Joseph Campbell) and will continually influence and be projected upon the world and others until the shadow is brought into the light.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Could you be minimizing it unconsciously?

I was sexually abused and eventually raped by somebody outside the family, in childhood. But it seems that as many problems I have relate to the unemotional, and very critical way that I was brought up by my parents. I feel like I brought myself up emotionally, but when that's combined with the extra emotional needs created by abuse, it leaves me lacking.

This really hit home for me, because it has been at play in every relationship with men. I think dissociation really helps explain why I just never saw the abuse coming, and always felt so stupid afterwards.

I'm not sure if what some people would see as signs of abuse are just normalised in my life. Like I said to above, I wasn't abused by my father, but he critisizes and dominates everything - his way is the way everything should be done, even the cooking and housework, despite the fact that he would never do that himself. At the same time, he was also the one that encouraged us to be brave, face fears, not be a wimp etc, so he was the person I had to trust to catch me if something went wrong. So when I'm with dominating men, I want them to like me and I want to please them. So the person who never gets anything right, and tries but fails to please was normal. So where other people might get angry that someone has spoken to them that way, and leave, I just accept as a normal reaction to something I've done and try harder to get it right.

@Valentino, what I've said above sounds like doing over, and I get stuck in this cycle of trying to 'be loved' by people who just won't, whatever I do.

You can also seperate out other parts of the memory like: sensations, words or phrases, physical or sexual pain inherent in the memory, things you tasted/smelled/saw, and various emotions that were prevalent in the relationship.

Sometimes women can dissociate or fragment off the 'meaning,' 'motive,' or 'intent' as well. So he uses all your money and your response is "He meant well, he just doesn't know how to handle money."

Even though emotional abuse might be normalised, when it comes to threat, intimidation, violence and sex, I dissociate to a dangerous extent. And the dissociated parts remain seperate after the event too, so I never quite accept the danger I was in. That's the way that I manage to cope. I'm hoping that with an awarenes of my dissociation, I will be able to recognise abuse as something wrong, and leave (even if only intellectually).