General The Whole Fam-damnily

[Sweetpea76]

My son is graduating high school in a few weeks, and with that comes the whole range of traditional celebrations. There is the graduation ceremony itself, a dinner, then I am throwing him an open house-type party.

My son has decided that he wants to invite his absentee dad and his extended family to his open house. My ex (who is not my sufferer) is remarried, and his wife doesn't like my kids and doesn't like my ex to see them. My ex is a coward, so rather than argue with her about seeing them, just avoids my kids.

My kids have a half brother from their father who has never met my ex. He wants to come as well, and get to see his dad for the first time.

My ex's parents had a nasty divorce and my FIL does not get along with my MIL or her mother. FIL will openly call his ex-wife's mother "Sitting Bull" to her face. MIL and her mother live in the same town as I do and do not bother to see the children unless their uncle takes them to a family function.

I already want to drink, and I am only now addressing the invitations. My sufferer really wants to go because he is close to my son, but is afraid that he may have to skip to avoid a complete drama stress-fest and/or murder conviction.

Does anybody have any advice about dealing with extended family mess and/or some coping mechanisms for big events? We're grasping at straws here. If my son didn't want to invite the shallow end of the gene pool, I would never consider it... but it is his party.

 

[Friday]

Sanctuary.

As in having one, and possibly more than one.

Also medication. Big family stuff I freely break out my emergency meds and liberally apply as needed.

But back to sanctuary. For me, this is usually my car (although ideally it's my home, and the party is elsewhere), and also completely ignoring the actual "times" things are supposed to start. Because I won't be there on time. Period. I will either be there hours early scoping out places to perch out of the way, where I can see everything, but others can't see me (gee. I wonder where that comes from. Sigh. :facepalm:)... Or I will be showing up late. Slipping in when everyone else's attention is elsewhere. And after I've managed to get myself calmed down to a reasonable state of halfway numb.

When I've got people on-side... They "forget" things. Like ice. More beer. Umbrellas. I really don't care what. But it's things "someone" needs to be sent to the store for. That someone is me!! :D And those things are usually already hidden in my trunk, truck bed, or back of my old Jeep with a blanket over them. But it gives me an excuse to go climb into my vehicle and vanish for an hour or so; reading a book, chain smoking, remembering why we don't kill people no matter how much they deserve it, blasting music, driving fast -or all esconsced at the park or car park with my feet kipped up outside the window. Whatever is needed. And then, reasonableness firmly in place for at least another few minutes... I return with said forgotten item. Until I get sent off to go fetch something else needed. Keeps me "a part of" / participating in the eyes of others, instead of slinking off to my hole. Which is oddly helpful. I don't usually give a f*ck what other people think of me, but I'm very much aware of the general vibe. And when I'm edgy? It's often the straw that breaks the camels back. I don't wanna have to be dealing with this in the first place, and needing to explain myself just makes my teeth itch. So it's a huge blessing to be able to smile and say "Mike needed more beer. So I just went and got a few half racks." Or "Mike needs beer. I'll be back in half an hour or so." I take issue with lying, and these things skirt that boundary, but don't bust through it.

There are other things, but for me, the biggest really is having a sanctuary of peace & quiet & elsewhere that I can go take breaks in.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sanctuary.

The open house is in a shelter at a State Park, right by a hiking trail through the woods. Maybe we can go and check out how steep that bastard is, and see if he can manage it on a cane. He could literally take 5 steps and be through the brush.

When I've got people on-side... They "forget" things. Like ice. More beer. Umbrellas. I really don't care what. But it's things "someone" needs to be sent to the store for.

Genius! Maybe I'll tell him that can be our escape plan.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I am sorry for your dilemma, truly. However, your title and post had me roaring in laughter. You are really humorous when you are stressed. I think that is your best strategy ...just keep them all laughing and pass more beer.:hug::hug:

 

[scout86]

Friday has some good thoughts. You're not actually serving beer, are you? Because alcohol is probably going to add to the drama in unfortunate ways. Can you encourage the presence of things like mosquitoes? So people aren't likely to stay as long? Seems like it would be a plus to keep things moving. "Hi, here's the guest of honor, nice of you to come, now it's time to go home". That sort of thing.

Your son DOES understand a bit about what kind of people you're dealing with, I hope. I'd hate for this occasion to be the one where he figures it out. I guess my thought is your best bet is to try to keep people moving and not give them a lot of time to engage in their own agendas.

Good luck!

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I commend you on doing this for your son. As the hostess, I would keep myself busy with food and such so you can minimize social interaction. I would also suggest a time limit on the party. Do you have any close friends or family coming that you trust? If so, I would come up with a code word so he/she can intervene and grab you for some "hostess duty". I hope all goes well!

 

[scout86]

Actually, if you have other friends and relatives you can trust, maybe you can get them to run interference between the warring parties. Sounds like the physical set up will allow them to NOT sit at the same table for lunch, and that's probably good. I hope your ex shows, for your son's sake, but he might not.

Personally, I usually handle these things by being really quick to offer to run to the store, or go pick up Aunt Mabel, or run someone home who forgot something, or organizing some activity for the kids.....

 

[Sweetpea76]

I told my son the breakdown of what may happen, so he has a heads up. He also knows none of these people may show up... or they may all show up and be perfect angels. He also knows there may be some powerful redneckery afoot. I think he is more curious about that side of his family because he just doesn't know them.

And lord no, no liquor at this gathering... I have the excuse of having a large number of teenagers around to not serve any. These folks need beer at a family function like I need to eat carbs at midnight. That doesn't mean they won't keep up the family tradition by "pre-gaming" and drinking beforehand.

My vet is doing pretty good, but I have the sneaking suspicion he is pissed that I am inviting the ex and his side. I have a bad feeling that is going to rear its head before too long.

 

[scout86]

My ex had 3 kids with his first wife. They had a rather unpleasant divorce and she kind of seemed like she went out of her way, in a pretty passive aggressive style, to make our lives complicated. He middle daughter wanted to get married at our farm. One of the outcomes of their divorce was he wasn't allowed to set foot inside their old house. Even if we were unloading chairs I'd hauled in my truck, for the oldest daughter's piano recital. So, when my step daughter asked my permission (bless her heart!) to have her mom come in to OUR house to help her get ready for the wedding, I paused but said "Yes". I've never regretted it. Remind your vet that it's about the kid and that it's a chance to prove he's more of a class act than the other tribe. Sometimes the best thing to do is just suck if up. I'm sure your son will appreciate the effort. (When Is this? So I can remember to keep my fingers crossed that day.)

 

[Sweetpea76]

The last Sunday in May... be on the lookout for a mushroom cloud hovering over the Midwest.

 

[scout86]

Oh..... I LIVE in the Midwest. :wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed:

I'll definitely have you, your vet, and your son in my thoughts!