The wound of a mistake

[TrinityIsHeree]

Nobody may understand the depth of these feelings, but please try not to guilt-trip me or rub this in, because I already feel bad and terrible enough. When I was 13 years old, I had anger problems, was getting my medications adjusted, got bullied and abused when I was younger, had some mental illnesses. When I was 13 years old, I made a mistake by being mean and abusive to my pets, and I cannot forgive myself for this even though I stopped when I was 15 years old and I am now currently 18 years old. I tell myself that maybe I should sacrifice my life for my mistakes I have made, I cry over it, I think about it a lot, I did mean stuff to myself because of it. I tried to tell myself positive things to forgive myself, I tried volunteering at animal shelters and being nicer and sweet to my pets. My pets seem to forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself, even though I am gentle and protective of them now and went from a stupid teenager to a mature young lady. I really do not know what to do. I am about to cry at this moment, and need some advice or love, reassurance, a virtual hug, or something. I am tired of feeling like this, it makes my stomach queasy inside... not to mention I already have to handle grieving my first stepfather that passed three years ago. My self esteem is very low and I do not feel loved or worthy of love. I am still trying to heal... Thanks for reading this.

 

[arfie]

hello trinity. welcome to the forum.

for my own recovery nickel, self-forgiveness has been the hardest step of my recovery. i'm 70 and still haven't fully forgiven myself for having beat up junior high classmates for the crime of having a crush on me. in junior high i was lost in the nightmare of child prostitution at home and a crush didn't mean the same to me as it did to the boys who so offended me by liking me. my compulsion to abuse such boys and girls hasn't fully gone away and i still have a hard time forgiving myself for the abuse. i think i'm too old to have been one of your playground bullies, but? ? ? still wondering.

and that is but one example from a distressingly long list. works still in progress. self-forgiveness remains a toughie, but healing takes what it takes.

 

[Friday]

I tell myself that maybe I should sacrifice my life for my mistakes I have made, I cry over it, I think about it a lot, I did mean stuff to myself because of it.

Personal suicide rule: If I’m going to die? I’ve decided that the best thing is my own death? It has to be doing something USEFUL, and ideally in place of someone else’s life, who actually wants to live. Save a life, and help some people = at least the TAX due on my own mistakes in life, that I durn well deserve being killed, for. At least to my own reckoning. Eating my gun doesn’t help anyone, & doesn’t put anything right. It’s just more nightmare fuel for other people, cleaning up the disgusting mess I’ve left for them. Saving others? My family/friends/fave charities get my life insurance, and the people I’ve saved get to live, and their loved ones get them. To date??? Clearly, I’ve only ended up saving others, rather than biting it. Which is a better punishment, most likely? Having to live with what I’ve done. And learn from it. And do differently.

I’m 40-mumble. I first started thinking actively about suicide in my teens. By my early 20s I had my “rules” down, solid. (And there are a few, not a lot, but a few). Doing something useful? In service of others? Rule 1.

 

[Abstract]

Nobody may understand the depth of these feelings, but please try not to guilt-trip me or rub this in, because I already feel bad and terrible enough. When I was 13 years old, I had anger problems, was getting my medications adjusted, got bullied and abused when I was younger, had some mental illnesses. When I was 13 years old, I made a mistake by being mean and abusive to my pets, and I cannot forgive myself for this even though I stopped when I was 15 years old and I am now currently 18 years old. I tell myself that maybe I should sacrifice my life for my mistakes I have made, I cry over it, I think about it a lot, I did mean stuff to myself because of it. I tried to tell myself positive things to forgive myself, I tried volunteering at animal shelters and being nicer and sweet to my pets. My pets seem to forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself, even though I am gentle and protective of them now and went from a stupid teenager to a mature young lady. I really do not know what to do. I am about to cry at this moment, and need some advice or love, reassurance, a virtual hug, or something. I am tired of feeling like this, it makes my stomach queasy inside... not to mention I already have to handle grieving my first stepfather that passed three years ago. My self esteem is very low and I do not feel loved or worthy of love. I am still trying to heal... Thanks for reading this.

Have you tried to send compassion and understanding to your 13 year old self? To write out her feelings and get help with her experiences? I have found things are often more complicated than they seem. Tendrils from traumatic things sew things together in weird ways. If you are stuck you might want to come at it from that angle.

And the other truth is we did according to what we knew then. Now that we know better we do better. Nothing can be done about that. It is just a truth.

 

[Susan Jane]

Hello Trinity, sending a virtual hug . I have no big words of wisdom other than I understand regrets and I understand desperately wanting to not feel depressed. I hope that makes you feel less alone. Susan Jane

 

[leafytrees]

Nobody may understand the depth of these feelings, but please try not to guilt-trip me or rub this in, because I already feel bad and terrible enough. When I was 13 years old, I had anger problems, was getting my medications adjusted, got bullied and abused when I was younger, had some mental illnesses. When I was 13 years old, I made a mistake by being mean and abusive to my pets, and I cannot forgive myself for this even though I stopped when I was 15 years old and I am now currently 18 years old. I tell myself that maybe I should sacrifice my life for my mistakes I have made, I cry over it, I think about it a lot, I did mean stuff to myself because of it. I tried to tell myself positive things to forgive myself, I tried volunteering at animal shelters and being nicer and sweet to my pets. My pets seem to forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself, even though I am gentle and protective of them now and went from a stupid teenager to a mature young lady. I really do not know what to do. I am about to cry at this moment, and need some advice or love, reassurance, a virtual hug, or something. I am tired of feeling like this, it makes my stomach queasy inside... not to mention I already have to handle grieving my first stepfather that passed three years ago. My self esteem is very low and I do not feel loved or worthy of love. I am still trying to heal... Thanks for reading this.

You sound like a lovely, compassionate person who has grown into someone with self awareness who is capable of remorse and has a willingness to make amends. Not everyone manages this, particularly so young. Some people will never show that kind of growth! Your pets forgive you and want you here with them because they see the good in you too.

It sounds like you've been suffering so much and that you've punished yourself enough. Please try not to let the past define who you are in the present, you're a good person and you deserve to be here. You were having a horrible time of things a few years ago and the important thing is that you've chosen to grow and learn from the way you coped and to seek support. You're so much more than your past mistakes and you're worthy of love, you really are. I'm so sorry for the loss of your stepfather, that must have been incredibly hard for you and I'm sure it continues to be.

If you're looking for ways to help forgive yourself then meditation and yoga might be a way forward. Gentle yoga can be a really good way to process stuck emotions in the body and to cultivate self-compassion for where you're at. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube is lovely and free and I think she even has a practice on forgiveness. There are also some free meditations for processing guilt on the Insight Timer app. Just some thoughts anyway, please be gentle with yourself. Hugs

 

[-From Trinity]

You sound like a lovely, compassionate person who has grown into someone with self awareness who is capable of remorse and has a willingness to make amends. Not everyone manages this, particularly so young. Some people will never show that kind of growth! Your pets forgive you and want you here with them because they see the good in you too.

It sounds like you've been suffering so much and that you've punished yourself enough. Please try not to let the past define who you are in the present, you're a good person and you deserve to be here. You were having a horrible time of things a few years ago and the important thing is that you've chosen to grow and learn from the way you coped and to seek support. You're so much more than your past mistakes and you're worthy of love, you really are. I'm so sorry for the loss of your stepfather, that must have been incredibly hard for you and I'm sure it continues to be.

If you're looking for ways to help forgive yourself then meditation and yoga might be a way forward. Gentle yoga can be a really good way to process stuck emotions in the body and to cultivate self-compassion for where you're at. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube is lovely and free and I think she even has a practice on forgiveness. There are also some free meditations for processing guilt on the Insight Timer app. Just some thoughts anyway, please be gentle with yourself. Hugs

Thanks, thank you all. I appreciate it, and will make sure to consider your advice. Good day to you.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@TrinityIsHeree - don’t forget to log in to post.

 

[anthony]

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