Therapist Ignoring Me?

[GWhizz]

My therapist has not responded to my last 2 texts in which I was really struggling and in need of her support. It's not like I was breaking a boundary - she actually encouraged this contact between sessions and made it pretty clear to me she wouldn't do it unless she thought it was a good idea. Lately I've been having some anger issues and I think in expressing it to her, she actually thought I was misdirecting it at her. I told her a million times that I was in no way angry/annoyed at her - after all I have had no reason to be. But she kept bringing it up each session as though I was in denial, at which point I suggested it could be an element of countertransference on her part. I don't think she liked this as she immediately backed off about it telling me 'of course I knew it was never personal, just misdirected'. I was okay with this. But now her ignoring me is really invalidating as I feel so abandoned and I actually honestly am now angry that I allowed myself to trust her and let my guard down with her. I value honesty more than anything. Why can't she just be honest and tell me if she doesn't want me to contact her?

Should I ask her what's up? I'm afraid she'll throw the anger card at me if I appear in anyway confrontational about it. I gave her lots of time to reply and the benefit of the doubt in case she was away. But I just dialed her professional mobile off private number and she's answering. What am I to think? I'm so so disappointed and let down right now. She knows this is hurting me only more.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Should I ask her what's up?

Yes, you should. Maybe she didn't get your texts. Technology is not without its imperfections. And if she is ignoring them you need to know why so that you can take appropriate next steps whether that be making a new plan about how to get support from your therapist when you need it or looking for a new therapist. But first things first, you need to know what is really going on.

But now her ignoring me is really invalidating as I feel so abandoned and I actually honestly am now angry that I allowed myself to trust her and let my guard down with her. I value honesty more than anything. Why can't she just be honest and tell me if she doesn't want me to contact her?

This is a huge things. I can relate to this. Allowing yourself to trust in the support was probably a huge risk for you. And I think you can tell her that you want her to be honest with you because you value that. But first check to make sure she has actually received the texts.

 

[digger]

But I just dialed her professional mobile off private number and she's answering.

Does this mean you dialed a different number for her and she answered? If so, is it possible there is a problem with her mobile?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with @JEKBreatheandBelieve and @digger : there could be lots of explanations for why she has not answered your texts. May I ask how often you see her? And how long ago you sent her those texts?

I'm not asking because I think you might not have given her enough time. I believe you when you say that you have. But if you sent them yesterday or today I can imagine her wanting to reply to you more elaborately..like giving you a call or at least sending you an elaborate reply. If that's the case she is still a little at fault, for she should have at least sent you a confirmation and told you she'd get back to you as soon as she could.

But maybe she really didn't get your texts. I don't know. If you feel like you an't wait any longer you should call her. That's a very logical and normal thing to do. If you calmly ask her about the texts I'm sure she'll explain why you haven't heard from her. If she gets angry with you then, well, then she is being very unprofessional.

Good luck!

 

[Philippa]

It's wholly possible something went wrong with the technology, as others have already stated.

It's possible she was called away to a crisis situation or lost her phone? If she encouraged you to call her when you needed her then it's unlikely she is just ignoring you.

It seems like you've already convinced yourself that she is being dishonest and doesn't really want you to contact her, based on what you've shared. Can you consider that it might not be the case and it's all in your head? I can understand how you would feel this way but try and keep in mind that many things might have happened, none of which have anything to do with you and the last session to do with your anger.

This happened with my own therapist, twice, and both times there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for why she didn't reply that day. She left her phone at a friends house the first time, and had to drive all the way to the other side of town to get it again. The second time she was called away to a crisis situation where she was held up all day and was late for our appointment...and she apologized profusely for both times when she didn't get back to me straight away.

Try not to take it personally. Therapists are very busy people and if she does crisis calls it's totally possible she was called in to help someone on suicide watch or having some kind of domestic violence scenario going on and hasn't had a chance to get back to you. 2 days is a fair amount of time, but until you know the reason why she hasn't replied you cannot assume it's because she is ignoring you. Her father might have died...anything might have happened?

 

[Lucycat]

But I just dialed her professional mobile off private number and she's answering.

so - when she answered did you not ask her?

 

[GWhizz]

I called her professional mobile the only number I have for her. I called off private number to check if she would answer, afraid maybe she'd ignore my number (I know paranoid but I can't help feel this way). When I heard her voice I felt mixed emotions and hung up as I'm confused why she isn't replying at all. One text was last week, the other 3 days ago. I assumed the 1st may have got lost/unread or something as she always replies immediately, even if it is just to acknowledge the text and say she'll write more/call when she's time. I even asked in my last text if she didn't want me to contact her I could delete her number as sometimes I feel like I've no one else and can't stop myself. My message status' say 'delivered'. Also the text 3 days ago was a crisis/domestic situation of my own. And it took me a lot to will myself to contact her and seek her support.

The frequency of our meetings has been up and down lately due to my own reluctance to go deeper into certain issues and my financial predicament right now. She still text me after our last session a few times - that was less than 2wks ago now. I have asked if she doesn't want me to contact her while not directly seeing/paying her, to pls let me know. It's her decision re the extent of our relationship/boundaries. What am I meant to think? Except all I stated in my initial post :cry:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Do you have another appointment scheduled soon? If not maybe you should try calling her. I absolutely hate talking on the phone so I don't make that suggestion lightly. I just think you need to talk to your therapist about it rather than worrying about it. You need answers that only she can give. Hoping it gets straightened out soon.

 

[joeylittle]

When I heard her voice I felt mixed emotions and hung up as I'm confused why she isn't replying at all. One text was last week, the other 3 days ago. I assumed the 1st may have got lost/unread or something as she always replies immediately, even if it is just to acknowledge the text and say she'll write more/call when she's time. I even asked in my last text if she didn't want me to contact her I could delete her number as sometimes I feel like I've no one else and can't stop myself. My message status' say 'delivered'.

I'm thinking you're in a little bit of a tailspin here, understandably. My strong advice would be to call again, and not hang up; tell her you are in a downward slide because of some recent crises and confusion over whether she has gotten your messages and whether you've crossed a boundary.

Write it down and just read it, if you need to. I think you probably need an in-person meeting to sort this stuff out, and from everything you've written about her, I bet she'd be up for that. Texts can get screwed up, even when they are delivered. I've missed remembering to respond to things, really important things, if they come in within the middle of another important thing and get marked "as read" and drop to the bottom of my queue.

It's so great - for you especially - that you are reaching out, and I hope you don't let this turn into a reason not to do so anymore. But also, because of the misunderstandings, you'll need to actually communicate verbally.

 

[GWhizz]

She did finally reply yesterday - and said she cannot engage with me unless I can commit to coming consistently. She knows I have tried but that I always change my mind when it gets hard to talk and now the money issue is a prob. But she could have made it clear to me before.

Anyway I thanked her for her honesty and for letting me know finally where I stand. I also let her know I was deleting her number so that it wouldn't be a future issue. Case closed I guess. I'm actually relieved tbh - I feel the relationship really became sour of late with the whole 'anger' issue and her interpretation on it. I mean I appreciate her view on it - but she can't read my mind either and it's quite frustrating trying to convince someone you're not mad at them. Especially when she's the therapist and believes I still could be but just don't realise it yet. Honestly, it was never something that ever crossed my mind. Why would I be annoyed at her and why would she keep on about it? I know I have anger issues. But more at myself for my past, even more than those who truly have hurt me.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad I gave it the extra time for her the reply, rather than texting her something I may have regretted!

 

[ghotiff]

Are you open to looking for a new T. You inability to commit might change with a different T?

For example, My T doesn't bring up my abuse. We talk about the things that surrounded it and how it affects me today. I'm not ready to launch into abuse discussions but I am still getting a lot from my T and learning about some of my thought distortions.

 

[GWhizz]

I think I will just take a complete break from therapy altogether right now. I feel it was all in vain, like it was just spinning the wheels and rehashing stuff I couldn't process or deal with and clearly didn't want to as I couldn't speak and when I wrote I would end up selfharming afterward as I felt so much more guilty.

She didn't get how big a deal the transference issue was for me. I asked her to help me deal with it. She said it was normal and we just needed to let it pass it's course. But I realised in the end, that I never wanted her as a therapist. I didn't want to tell her any of the stuff I divulged. I wanted her to be someone she could never be - my mother. I told her this again and again and how uncomfortable it made me feel feeling this way about a practical stranger. It was difficult to even express this to her as it is pretty embarrassing. But she ignored the significance of it yet encouraged me to contact her as much as possible, even going out of her way for me. She told me I'm the only client she's ever made an exception of outside contact, or brought their partner into sessions when it wasn't for couples therapy. This made me feel even more attached to her. I never get attached so this was pretty frightening hence I began to back out even more for fear of dependency. After our last session she still told me how she hoped I would continue with her sometime when I felt more up to it (it had meant to have been a closing session). She then ended her text with 'love' and her name - why would a therapist put 'love' at the end of a text? If only to encourage my pitiful transference and dependency issues with her? Was she toying with me or did she really care? I just don't know. My trust is even more impaired now because she lacked the ability to be straight with me about the contact outside of sessions.