Therapy Difficulties - Online Therapy An Option?

[Hashi]

Hi Abstract,

I realised that I must have hit raw nerves, and I'm sorry for that. I felt if I came back and said any more I'd probably only make that worse without meaning to. I still feel that I'm likely to do that. I think I have a different angle on things, not that one angle is right and one is wrong but just different ideas about what's useful. My ideas probably aren't helpful to you.

I don't have any reason to think you were projecting. I see that what I said about care and attention from the therapist was ambiguous, and I'm sorry for that as well. It was a comment on one of the directions that the thread was taking, not a comment on what I thought you were aiming for with the discussion. I don't think it's neurotic, I just don't see it as addressing the issues mentioned. Other people may not even agree with my interpretation.

I honestly don't think my thoughts can be helpful if they're so out of tune with other people's, and yours in particular. I see the whole thing as coming down to inner safety before you're even approaching a therapist, everything else being secondary to that, and I think I see dissociation and safety very differently from many other people. From my viewpoint, I find it difficult to understand some things that have been expressed here. So unfortunately I'm likely to be insensitive to some of the nuances or even main ideas.

I don't want to be insensitive in your thread. I think it's best to sincerely wish you well with this, and hope that others can help.

 

[Leah123]

explore the idea of inner safety much, much more.

I can't speak for Hashi, but I believe an inner core of resolve and self-identity is critical to me in therapy. I needed to know, going in, this time, as an adult, that I had some life experience, structure, supports, self-confidence, etc. that kept me safe in the risk of therapy. That I could protect myself if my therapist were not a good one, that I wouldn't over-identify with a wrong analysis about me, that I could separate my reality from theirs if necessary, that I could explain my reality until I made the therapist understood or decided they couldn't. That I could hold my own, trust my judgement, not give away too much power.

Good therapy won't be so dangerous. The therapist will be conscientious, careful, caring, and calm enough to help us quiet our terrors and worries. But no relationship is perfect, and therapy can present unexpected obstacles, right? I know I'm facing some.

So, when I read Hashi's comment about inner safety, that's what I thought of, and it did seem important to me. Therapy, though, I'm also finding, will be a test of my strength... I believe I'm going to come out of it feeling even stronger, at least I hope so! :)

I surely hope this conversation has helped you Abstract. I can see how it'd be overwhelming to me personally.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi,
You may not read this of course but I just wanted to answer even if it is just for myself and my understanding why it was difficult.

You had nothing to apologise for. You have every right to your opinion.

I think what horrified me a little was the possibility that I was being seen as not doing the work and relying on the therapist to do it. Maybe that is so hard as it is the opposite to what I have always done in my life and it has been hard work for me to convince myself that getting some help from the therapist is also OK. The only time I truly asked for help by telling my T I was suicidal led to me being perceived as lying. In fact I think that lack of safety and feeling OK about getting help is part of what keeps me silent. Feeling I have to do it all alone and with no help from anyone is something I don't want to feel forever and yet breaking away from it fills me with difficult feelings.

The other thing I think I was reacting to was the possible opinion that I should only approach therapy when I have managed to get to a level when therapy won't affect me in this way. The problem with that thought is that it makes me feel profoundly hopeless. The reason being that I actually work really hard and have for many years now. - on grounding and staying safe and that includes preparing for the therapy sessions and attempting to manage each stage and phase/minute of the process. If I did not then I don't think I would feel that way as the scope for change would be larger and potential change steeper. Just because it was not enough to stop this happening does not mean that I was not doing a lot.

I have no doubt there are more skills I can learn as I am sure there is endless potential for learning in all things. I just had a moment where I thought I could be being perceived very differently from the reality and for various reasons that is harder than it should be. I don't discuss what I do do and I realised that may be perceived as me not doing anything. Essentially this thread was about what I could get from a therapist that would be helpful or not. What may help and hinder me personally. It in no way means that is the full story. There is another whole side to this and that is the things I can do, some of which I still have to cover before I am ready to go back. Some that I have been unable to discuss before this because of my difficulties discussing things even on here. That has been a big challenge to me.

I am not sure in what way your view of dissociation differs from mine. The way I see it is as an often outdated means of self protection that indicates that I don't feel safe enough in that situation. It indicates the vulnerable points or sometimes triggers to trauma.

Part of me being able to feel safe is feeling it is possible that someone could react in a helpful way if I do slip into silence. Of course the hope is that it won't happen and that it won't be needed but I think part of what now fuels it and my feelings of lack of safety is the lack of appropriate reactions from therapists in the past. Feeling I have a safety blanket is helpful to me in feeling safer in general which should result in less dissociation/silence.

Just finding others who have experienced similar things is immensely helpful to me as it makes me feel that there will less likelihood of a T not believing me and telling me I am not experiencing what I am experiencing or totally misjudging me by thinking me merely not being interested in talking and uncooperative as has also happened and more than once.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Leah,

This is still a vulnerable point for me. I am very much OK with my own opinion when it comes to general things but when it comes to a mental health environment and especially when someone is in a position of authority I am still a little vulnerable to loosing my reality.

Added to this the fear of blocking out parts of the interaction and not knowing I have.

I have never had a therapist that went carefully with me and that is almost surely largely because I was not giving them the information that would tell them they needed to. I was too busy unconsciously putting up barriers and pretending all was OK and I did not need the reassurance I needed or the pacing I needed.

I am very hopeful that that has now changed. If we don't ask we can't expect to get.