Therapy Difficulties - Online Therapy An Option?

[Abstract]

Thank you Franciemarnie, Md and leah for all the encouragement.

Inconsistent perceptions were held simultaneously.

Yes! The extent I did and still do this astonishes me. It actually feels psychotic for me and I have seriously wondered if I am crazy. It helps to have leaned that others do this too and it does seem that they all tend towards dissociation. So I thought the trance logic was interesting.

I am sorry it was so awful for you at home and glad you are safe now.

. I have a lot of issues with doubt and distrusting myself (thanks Mom!)

Oh poor Leah! Yes mine is largely thanks to my mother as well as I have to say. That sounds like a gentle way to edge yourself into trauma work. :tup:

I was thinking of this disconnection or whatever it is that I experience and it is hard to put it into words as it is mostly an absence of something. How does one put an absence accurately into words

I will say something about how I function in the world, lets say it is that isolate, then I will look at what I wrote afterwards and think, "did I write that?". I don't really recognise it and it doesn't feel like it belongs to me at all somehow and I can't even think of the behaviour I am describing properly. Its even like that with language. Sometimes it is a struggle. The order of the words is jumbled and it takes effort to get it to make any sense at all. And then the next thing I write and it is easy and it flows out of me with great ease (I try not to spend too much effort on this for a few reasons as it tends to distance me and do a couple of others things when I do). Everything in my life feels like this. I feel like a random tangled collection of odd parts and behaviours whilst still feeling sure of who I am. It makes no sense and offends my logical mind.

Thanks for being positive about my ability to do t in the future. :) Thanks too for the push that started this thread as it got me talking when I had struggled to do so.

Thanks for the support Junebug!

Yes. And I do also think that I would find it too easy to hide a lot of my real situation away and I don't at all trust my ability to avoid doing so. And my fragilities would not respond to the possible consequences of that at all well.

Hugs back to you.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

Thanks for your input. Please feel free to say if I have misunderstood anything and I hope the following doesn't seems too disjointed. The words are not easy to find at present.

To be clear there is a lot about getting into therapy that I have not discussed here and I have merely been concentrating on the differences between online and in person and how they relate to the way I experience and react to therapy. I went way outside of what I had thought I would discuss here I am glad to say but this thread certainly does not reflect the whole picture of me looking for a therapist and deciding what will work and it was never intended to do so.

My concern would be that setting up a delicate balance with a therapist which depends on their constant care and attention over how they talk to you, listen to you and ask you questions, is quite a fragile sort of safety

I am not sure if I am understanding this properly so feel free to correct me. It seems you feel this thread has mostly been about how dependent I will be and am on a t's constant care and attention. I have not thought of it that way at all. I see it mostly as me having certain tendencies regardless of what the therapist does or says and thinking and looking at that reality. This is not about the therapist and is about me. Looking at what environment would most likely manage these most effectively is obviously of importance.

"Setting up a delicate balance" implies (to me) a creation of something a little neurotic almost rather than just realistically looking at what could happen and trying to ensure it can be dealt with as best as possible.

The last time around there really was nothing that any therapist could have done to stop me having a problem right from the time I entered the room. Me + a therapist in a room was sufficient sadly. And I think she managed it pretty well considering it was time limited and with the pressure to try to get me more functional in a small amount of sessions. And I did not go in waiting for her to resolve or manage anything. I did find that the crayons and sandtray she had helped me too.

What I am very focused on is doing all I can to avoid another bad-therapy situation. By that I don't mean a disagreement or sensitivity or any of those things but rather a long term unfixable or abusive situation of any type. I hope that makes sense. I am prepared for and will suffer through the management of mishaps as awful as they are (devastating) and take them as part of therapy. I want to avoid bad therapy or malpractice at all costs as much as is possible.

And that includes re enacting that is not managed or resolved properly by the therapist. My biggest risk is probably that I blame myself and keep going. Thats what happened to me last time. Eight months of consecutive sessions is a ridiculously long time to attempt to resolve something and keep being more and more damaged, and without leaving.

I wonder how that would fit in with the careful constructing of a "safe" approach to therapy, when it doesn't seem realistic to expect that a therapist would react and interact with you in an ideal way every single session,

To be very clear I neither thought this nor expect it. In fact I am very realistic about the fact that there will always be a regular stream of misunderstandings and other mishaps. I am not sure what gave this impression but I can assure you it isn't accurate. I am merely attempting to be realistic about my idiosyncrasities and start the process of making choices that will suit them as best as possible. As well as gathering ideas for therapy that could make it flow more easily.

One of the very biggest problems I have relates to a total loss of information. Of not being able to see the relationship at all as almost all the ways of gathering information are affected in some way and often without me realising that it has happened. I still have to start a thread to discuss the most problematic part of this. It makes therapy quite literally a disjointed confusing mess. And I am not referring to trance states with this. I may be wrong but I don't see any amount of inner safety as protecting against this and it will be more a case of managing it. To add to the problem I don't believe there is anything a therapist could do to be aware this is happening or prevent it. It will again be a case of managing it and so Bloominwinters suggestions and experiences are invaluable to me.

One is to explore the idea of inner safety much, much more.

I am very open to any ideas! Any recommendations are welcome. This has been my main focus of energy for the last few years since my therapy mishap. I think I might have said it here somewhere but I have done what I call therapy bootcamp. I have looked at what sets me off most strongly and then looked at what happens for me and have tried to break both down as much as I can. It might also help if you would share what your impression is of how I was approaching this. What I had and had not done as that may help me see more where you are coming from with this.

As for therapy approach, it is a part of this I have not touched on yet but I shall certainly need to look at what will make it easier. It wasn't something I had got to on this thread.

Internal family system is never going to work for me unfortunately for more than one reason. Just the idea makes me panic. It makes me feel much more split in a frightening way and I don't really like the child concept or the other concepts that go with it and for various reasons. Transactional analyses is different as it is just about the modes we all go into and doesn't affect me in that way. I am sure you would agree that it would also not be useful in the way you refer to.

I did instinctively feel that the archetypes concept was something that could help me a lot. Its just the spiritual stuff that stands in the way. But I am hoping I will find some way around it or find an alternative when I get to that point. I immediately felt calmer when doing the little bit of reading I did.

it's a bridge between thinking theoretically (which is safer but can be too removed from me to move me forward) and diving into emotion (which can easily be overwhelming). Having this sort of healthy detachment as a tool helps to contain the therapy work, especially because I know each archetype/subpersonality is only part of me and not the whole.

This is really helpful and I instinctively saw this when reading up about it. It also feels like a much closer way of representing some of the very complex ways I function and more easily. If that makes sense.


I agree with you that things should go back to safety first if someone is dissociating a lot. I wish I had known that a long time ago. But I guess neither I or the therapists knew what was happening then. It seems to me there is an awful lot of trauma therapy that is done without any evaluation of how safe someone is or how prepared for therapy in general. I really liked how Blooms T helps her manage her dissociation and how he started to figure out what felt safer for her.

One thing I don't know anything about and have seen mentioned is how dissociation interferes with processing trauma successfully.
I am hoping that all my hard work will pay off and that I will not react as I did in my last lot of therapy but it is hard to know. I just want to do all I can to make it more likely to be successful without setting me off too much.

 

[Leah123]

I don't really recognise it and it doesn't feel like it belongs to me at all somehow

I find this happens when I get overwhelmed by what I've shared or when I'm dissociated. I am mindful of working on concrete issues and memories, small ones, and I try to never generalize, to help prevent this disconcerting sensation. I absolutely hate the feeling you describe when I have it. Sigh.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for sharing Leah. I hate it. There is almost nothing that I don't do it with when it comes to discussing my inner life (and my past of course). It does not happen with situations such as work at all but the simplest issue to do with the inner me is always a problem. Even saying something such as, "I struggled to sleep last night" brings it on.

Feeling very self hating about all of this and everything to do with being me but am attempting to just ride the feelings out.

 

[Abstract]

Struggling a little. Wishing I could delete this all and me. I honestly wonder if I have a serious personality disorder and that that is all there is to this. Keep trying to figure out which would fit or if it is a case of more than one. I can clearly see all the dysfunctional thinking. Some of it bordering on psychotic.

Self hatred and hopelessness completely back. And hatred and judgement of myself for these.

I guess the only positive (ha) is that I am able to actually acknowledge I feel this way rather than pretending that I am not. Even that is borderline though. I feel the yearning to go back to that all the time. To reject it. Not even sure I have the courage to continue not to do that let alone anything else. Oh the irony of that past view of myself as someone strong. I sometimes think any cost would be worth getting that back.

 

[franciemarnie]

Acknowledging how you feel is huge! It is for me anyway. In fact, sometimes that is the only way I can settle down to sleep. I will say I feel angry, I feel sad, etc. over and over.

Although I know those aren't the specific feelings that you mentioned you are having just now.

I know the self hatred feelings. The worst! And so unjustified. Feelings are not facts always but they can feel like that. I spent a lifetime trying to exist less, wanting to be invisible. I didn't do the hateful things. Someone else did. Perhaps this is true for you?

I am sorry it's such a rough time but it is so great to get out what you feel. It festers if I don't and I'll get increasingly anxious. I have read - what you resist, persists.

I wish I could send a literal wave of healing light around you that would remove those rotten so undeserved feelings right now. If okay, I am sending what I can.

 

[franciemarnie]

Acknowledging how you feel is huge! It is for me anyway. In fact, sometimes that is the only way I can settle down to sleep. I will say I feel angry, I feel sad, etc. over and over.

Although I know those aren't the specific feelings that you mentioned you are having just now.

I know the self hatred feelings. The worst! And so unjustified. Feelings are not facts always but they can feel like that. I spent a lifetime trying to exist less, wanting to be invisible. I didn't do the hateful things. Someone else did. Perhaps this is true for you?

I am sorry it's such a rough time but it is so great to get out what you feel. It festers if I don't and I'll get increasingly anxious. I have read - what you resist, persists.

I wish I could send a literal wave of healing light around you that would remove those rotten so undeserved feelings right now. If okay, I am sending what I can.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I find that doing therapy, period, is pushing myself through the hard things.

BUT... We're not talking about you. We're talking about abstract. I don't see her as someone who pushes herself, at least not as evidenced here on the forum. I see repeated threads that go on and on....other people get a bit of feedback and then run with it. Her threads go on and on for pages, replies are incredibly in depth. Yes, I see that this is her style, but at the same time, the conversations should end and it should be more about actually doing something than debating and discussing the nuances of any given problem. This is a pattern that is repeated over and over again and I don't see the improvement. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's a diversion tactic and diversion tactics don't move people forward in healing.

Sorry if the conversation has changed as I'm responding to a reply from page one.

 

[Nicolette]

Solara everyone is entitled to provide input into a discussion how they see fit. Some members also get 'stuck' with things at time. I would suggest you consider putting the shoe on the other foot before you *judge* as not everyone consistently and continually moves forward with their own healing nor approaches it the same way as another. You of all people can attest to that so please don't be so harsh when you yourself have been in a similar place at times. There really is no need to analyse someone and be critical, to the point of it bordering on being unwarranted, unless you are willing to look into your own mirror and take stock and be held up to the same scrutiny.

 

[Abstract]

Franciemarie,
Thanks for the encouraging thoughts. Yes, just acknowledging feelings can be very important. And for me being able to say them to others is too. Without putting an artificial spin on it and hiding behind a façade of being healthier than I am.

 

[Abstract]

Sol,

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and take it that you mean well for me in the last post. That your aim is not just to run me down. Similar sentiments on other threads were obviously just aggressive.

Your words certainly are not unfamiliar as they are things I say to myself. I have previously answered your thoughts on this impression that you have that I just don't try hard enough so it is probably not that productive to answer it again.

I have no illusions about the fact that my biggest problems arise from my defence mechanisms. I don;t have the amount of trauma that others have on here but it seems my previous ways of coping are seriously sabotaging me in the present. Unfortunately those defence mechanisms seem to have a life of their own and if not handled carefully result in self destruction. As much as I hate that that is the case.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi,
Please feel no pressure to come back and answer but if you feel inclined to I am open to hearing what you have to say. Both on inner safety and approaches. I am not against adding them to the discussion about therapy. In other words it isn't a boundary issue for me. Anything that I can look at related is useful.

explore the idea of inner safety much, much more.

I am also open to hearing if some of my impressions were projection or not. I think some of it hit a few raw nerves. And if they were not projections and you do have those opinions then I would rather know too.