Therapy Experiences Required Please

[newbie2011]

Just wondering if anyone who has gone through therapy can enlighten me?

My ex is a marine, back from war a year ago, has started therapy (from what I understand the therapists get him to speak about his experiences, see his reactions etc), he doesn't like discussing this in great detail with me as he feels embarrassed about it, so I apologise for my lack of information.

He was having a 6hr session with 2 therapists every week and is now getting a full day session ? if this is weekly now. After his first therapy session he was back to the original guy I had met - open, loving, remorseful about his behaviour, second session all seemed good (he did say the sessions were hard going and horrific) and I noticed at night he was rested when asleep (normally his limbs are restless, twitching, like someone who is hyper anxious and not switching off), third session everything seemed to be going well and although his other symptoms seemed to improve, he was the worst I had seen him at night (jumping/restless etc although he was unaware of this until I mentioned to him in the morning) then that weekend we had a nightmare where he got angry at something that happened then disappeared totally with no contact, then the following weekend he did do something really stupid and on speaking to him I realised he could do with more therapy (there was a 2 week interval with no therapy when all this happened). I spoke to him after his fourth session and he said he kept doing stupid things, was embarrassed, wasn't avoiding me but his head was totally screwed up, he didn't initiate contact and when he did it was abusive, this week I heard he had an all day session with the therapists so I can only assume his symptoms are worse (the times we've been in contact I have noticed him worse).

I would imagine that therapy would get worse before it gets better as I'm sure it is traumatic to re-live these experiences. I have decided to back off completely and have offered him the hand of friendship as the relationship was starting to affect me, initially I was walking away completely but as I am only 1 of 3 people he has confided in about the PTSD I would like to see him recover and the reason he didn't tell me about the PTSD was he didn't want to lose me.

Obviously I know everyone's journey is different but can this phase last months or are there peaks and troughs where things get better for a couple of weeks then worse again? Can anyone tell me how they felt during therapy? I get the impression he is overloaded from everything, although he seems to be able to still function at work? I think he's getting intensive treatment as he leaves next summer. I wish I could speak to his therapists myself to give my version of events but I don't think that'll ever happen.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((newbie))))))

Hang in there. Take good care of yourself.

The beginnings of therapy are an unfreezing process.

PTSD recovery is a marathon that winds it's way through our lives for a long time. ...and sometimes the scenery is desert, sometimes deep shadowed valleys....sometimes rocky and other times well-paved...occasional views from the mountaintop...but mostly, a journey through life carrying a loaded backpack that our carers cannot carry for us.

But you can keep yourself strong, healthy...and choose to try to point out the finer points of the scenery as we go...and on the good days, we'll see it too, and on the bad ones, well....you'll have to be ok with appreciating it yourself but knowing it's not your fault we can't see it.

Try to find some things in each day that bring joy into your life regardless of what the scenery is.

Everyone's marathon is different and none of us know how far another is to that finish line....and over time, I've learned that it's a waste of my energy trying to figure that out. Best to enjoy the scenery as I go.

On my good days, I can.

 

[maddog]

Thoroughly agree with everything Bloom has said above, and she has said it in a far more coherent and symbolically descriptive way than I could.

Starting trauma therapy is one of the greatest milestones that a sufferer will reach. It requires sometimes the first real confrontation of denial, or whatever defence mechanisms or strategies have been employed to try to keep the trauma away. In some ways therapy is about turning on its head everything that feels safe and protective, because it requires you to take the trauma by the horns and stare it in the eye, hard, and for a long time. It can take a very long time and a load of pain and struggle to even commence this integral part of the process, and this is all before the journey of true processing and "healing", even commences, bearing in mind that "healing" is a very unique process for every person.

As Bloom has said, you need to remember that your primary role in this process is to keep yourself strong and healthy and stable, both so that you can act as a support for your sufferer to the extent that he will allow/you are able, but also so that you make sure you stay ok yourself and don't fall prey to what can sometimes be an almost vicarious trauma that befalls those who try so hard... sometimes too hard... to be part of the therapeutic process.

It may really help you to share the ups and downs with us here, and/or to seek a support network of your own where you can share your own subjective experience. That may be a professional network such as a therapist of your own, or a personal one if you have friends or family who are aware of your situation and are safe and robust and supportive enough to be there for you.

Please keep us in the loop.

Maddog

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you both for your insight. He's totally withdrawn the past couple of weeks, no texts, no phone calls, not replying to messages so I've had to send him a nice message saying I know he's struggling and I don't want to add to his stress but I'm there if he needs me and I'll let him contact me when/if he feels able. I can't do anymore, I've read some interesting discussions on here about how even sending a nice text message can increase their stress levels. It's so hard and upsetting. My main thing as you advise is to get myself back on track and strong again and to get on with my life and maybe at some point to the future he may want to come back to me if he feels able.

Thank you for your support :)

 

[just me here]

Let him know that no matter how broken he thinks he is, you still choose him over all others. Let him know that even broken and struggling he is your choice and you are unwavering in your decision.

My wife does that for me and it is the greatest gift of all. She sends me texts that say simply "don't forget, I choose you" or " I choose you and I don't regret it even a little bit". Those messages can be the only bright part of a gloomy day, the only reason I have to look forward to going home or getting up or doing the daily work of getting better. I Love her for it, and it is such an easy love for her to earn, all she has to do is convincingly restate the obvious to me when I start to lose sight of it.

 

[AnnaMonique]

I feel for you with him shutting you out. My ex recently has been going to therapy for about 2 months now and in the beginning he was doing great. Then almost out of no where he started really distancing himself from me and asked for some time alone. I asked him if it was too much if he called me every night to say goodnight just so i knew he was ok and he told me that would be ok. until one night i called him first because i was going to bed super early and he flipped out about me messing with "his time". It didn't seem like a big deal to me but after reading this i can understand how stressful it is.

About a week ago he decided we needed to break up... which is the last thing i want because i believe he is the one for me. Its super hard but I just dont feel like its over. He told me that therapy was bringing back feeling for his ex's that he never got closure from but he was still madly in love with me. I understand that he wants time to deal with it (if its time alone, talking with them or a relationship with one/some of them... i dont know). This whole thing is really hard on me but i want to wait around but not if he thinks he needs to go back and be with his ex's.

Like you said, While he was distancing himself and since the break up I was trying to send him sweet message such as "im right beside you, always, ill be here". Until one day he told me that stressed him out too much and I needed to stop. I dont know what to do.

anyone who has been to therapy... is it normal for him to feel that way? I dont want to write off our relationship cuz in my heart its just a process of emotions he needs to go through. But im not going to sit around if he wants to be with someone else.

PLEASE HELP.

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you 'just me here' it's good to hear what helps you. AnnaMonique I understand how you feel about being shut out and it's hard knowing what to do for the best. We had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday where he began communicating with me again - I did mention I was speaking with sufferers which seemed to create an interest with him. Initially he was extremely guarded and defensive but seemed to soften slightly over the course of the conversation. Trying to keep things in perspective but I was pleased! He said he doesn't think we have a future together after all that has happened and asked me what I thought. I've said my part and left him to mull it over.

I think it is a case of trying to get on with your own life and if they come back it is a bonus but try not to focus on it too much (easier said than done I know - I feel I've become obsessed with finding out as much as I can about PTSD).
I have to say this forum is wonderful for sharing experiences and finding out information and gaining support.

Keep strong :)

 

[Oberons Wife]

I have been going to therapy weekly for the last 6 weeks. The first couple of sessions felt brilliant, putting pieces together and making some sense of the mess, feeling that it was logical to be how I am.....
.but now I now it's going to get more painfull. I'm supposed to go back to the events and say how I feel experiencing that event. But at the time I distanced myself from the event, ( I receited Shakespeare to myself but that didn't take long as I don't know much!!, so I calculated how many knots there were in the carpet), other events from being younger, I think I had a similar solution to 'not be present'. I was taught 'not to be', 'don't be silly' don't raise your voice' 'don't look at me with that face' don't cry'. So I reckon I learnt how to be a blank emotional void.
So I'm stuck for two reasons, I don't know how to feel, and I'm scared that if I suddenly learn how to feel I will be overwhelmed and commit suicide. I have just finished with my boyfriend as I can't discuss this with him and he has a son, the son should not be around if I'm a suicide risk. So it's better to finish it now before we get too involved and my behaviour hurts people.
I know it must be dreadful for the partners. I have tried not telling boyfriends a thing, but then I'm living a false life which isn't healthy, but I haven't managed to explain how life is for me and for the relationship to survive. It would be great to be part of a couple, but I don't see it happening.

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you for sharing your experience Oberons Wife and I appreciate how difficult therapy must be having to address these situations and feelings that were too horrific to process the first time. Does your therapist know you feel scared of being so overwhelmed it may put you at risk of suicide?

I can only speak for myself, I wish my ex would open up to me so I could understand and support him more but I know trust is a huge issue for people with PTSD and he has admitted he only feels safe talking with his therapists. I can understand how sometimes it seems easier to shut yourself off from everyone to prevent anymore hurt from both sides. It's such a complex condition with devastating effects. It's still early days for your therapy yet, maybe some sufferers that have gone through it may be able to support you more with sharing their experiences.

Keep strong and big hugs