FindingMyself88
Platinum Member
I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from the retreat I went to yesterday and today with my church. Basically the two services went like this: The services were broken up into "sessions" where the speaker spoke on a specific topic, gave plenty of scripture and then had their leaders line up across the front and row by row EVERYONE went up for prayer. I didn't particularly like going up there, I would have preferred to pray with someone from my church. However, I didn't want to be the oddball out and I also didn't want to stop someone from my church from going down.
Today they separated the men from the women on different sides of the room. The first sensitive topic they talked about was purity, which involved sexual abuse. I will admit I completely dissociated during this and one of my friends had to shake me to get my attention when it was time to go up front. She asked me if I was okay and I just nodded and went down front with her to get in line. I remember telling the lady who was praying for me that I just wanted to keep myself for marriage and she prayed that over me and I went back to my seat.
Then a session or two later, they hit on the big "A" word…Abuse. The minute he said the word I could feel myself drawing in, my vision becoming darker. I didn't want my friend having to shake me again, so I began fighting it. That was the hardest I have ever had to fight dissociating, but I did it! I got my rock out and I swear it has a new indention from how hard I was pressing on it. I was barely making it…and then they did something different. They had a male and female come up on stage and begin apologizing to the ones of us who had been abused in place of whoever had abused us.
I lost it.
For the first time since being in the psych hospital I cried, but it was so much more than that. It was the first time I have ever cried about what was done to me. Thankfully I had one friend beside me who knew to some extent that I had been abused, and someone I trusted on the other side. One took my hand and the other put her arm around me. I was shaking, trying to keep from outright sobbing. All I could do was hang my head and cry. It didn't last long before I went completely numb again. I think because I knew I was about to go down for prayer and I just didn't want to be that vulnerable with someone I didn't know. I did tell her I had been abused and she prayed for me.
I still cannot believe it happened. Then when I got home I immediately went to painting. I painted how fighting the dissociation had made me feel and then I painted an abstract background and journaled on top of it. I have very mixed emotions about how I feel about today. I think my therapist will say it was a good thing.
Today they separated the men from the women on different sides of the room. The first sensitive topic they talked about was purity, which involved sexual abuse. I will admit I completely dissociated during this and one of my friends had to shake me to get my attention when it was time to go up front. She asked me if I was okay and I just nodded and went down front with her to get in line. I remember telling the lady who was praying for me that I just wanted to keep myself for marriage and she prayed that over me and I went back to my seat.
Then a session or two later, they hit on the big "A" word…Abuse. The minute he said the word I could feel myself drawing in, my vision becoming darker. I didn't want my friend having to shake me again, so I began fighting it. That was the hardest I have ever had to fight dissociating, but I did it! I got my rock out and I swear it has a new indention from how hard I was pressing on it. I was barely making it…and then they did something different. They had a male and female come up on stage and begin apologizing to the ones of us who had been abused in place of whoever had abused us.
I lost it.
For the first time since being in the psych hospital I cried, but it was so much more than that. It was the first time I have ever cried about what was done to me. Thankfully I had one friend beside me who knew to some extent that I had been abused, and someone I trusted on the other side. One took my hand and the other put her arm around me. I was shaking, trying to keep from outright sobbing. All I could do was hang my head and cry. It didn't last long before I went completely numb again. I think because I knew I was about to go down for prayer and I just didn't want to be that vulnerable with someone I didn't know. I did tell her I had been abused and she prayed for me.
I still cannot believe it happened. Then when I got home I immediately went to painting. I painted how fighting the dissociation had made me feel and then I painted an abstract background and journaled on top of it. I have very mixed emotions about how I feel about today. I think my therapist will say it was a good thing.
