Think I've Had Enough.

[.45 Princess]

I know there are people out there who've gone through worse stuff than I have and still manage to survive. I tell myself this everyday when I feel myself dwelling on all the pain and negatives in my life.

I really try to be a good person. Try to be empathetic, sympathetic, compassionate, non-judgemental, loving... you know, a decent person.

I don't like to "demonize" people even if they've done me wrong. I believe its unhealthy for me to.

As far as I can remember, my life has consisted of dealing with one thing after another and constantly being kept on my toes; physically and psychologically.

I'm not going to say "why does all this BS happen to me?". I'm done doing that.
I'm currently living out of guilt but I'm getting to the point it's not enough for me anymore.

I really am wondering: How much longer do I have to hold on? How much more BS do I have to push and survive through? When is life going to have mercy on me and just let me go already?

 

[hodge]

.45 Princess, do not let these feelings lead you down that path. Please give therapy a good try.

 

[.45 Princess]

.45 Princess, do not let these feelings lead you down that path. Please give therapy a good try.

Thank you for your reply.
I've been going to therapy regularly as well as therapy groups 2-3 days a week....

 

[hodge]

That's good, Princess. Keep at it :-)

 

[.45 Princess]

@hodge
Definitely am trying :shy:

It's just so difficult to get back up especially when it feels like more weight is being added each time.

I've also isolated enough to a point that I really don't have anyone left. Another lovely affect of PTSD... :cry:

 

[Intrepid]

I find that BS goes away in stages. It used to be that when some BS left I thought it was done.

You are a strong person to live in BS and still be a good, caring compassionate person.

I think the term BS should be added to treatment manuals. For me it's very useful.

 

[.45 Princess]

I find that BS goes away in stages. It used to be that when some BS left I thought it was done.

You...

Very true.

Thank you for your reply.
I really try to not be a bitter person who is angry at the world. It really isn't anyone's fault that I have a constant streak of unfortunate events.
Not to mention having my heart broken on top of everything else?

It's honestly exhausting though.. to have to keep going; not because I want to but out of guilt..

 

[Jnean]

you don't need to compare your trauma with others, yours is just as important. It's really hard when you are feeling that enough is enough already especially when you feel so alone and that trying just isn't working. It is working, you might just not see it. Reaching out here is trying, building new support like in this forum and your group therapy, maybe knowing that a hotline is there if you need it could be helpful and a saving grace when you are feeling trapped in your darkest places. Hugs.

 

[.45 Princess]

you don't need to compare your trauma with others, yours is just as important. It's really hard when you a...

Thank you for your reply.
I realize my trauma is important/significant enough to have affected me. My (now) ex used to say that to me all the time...
I really am trying. I've spent more days in bed the past 2-3 weeks than out of bed. I've finally managed to get myself to the gym tonight, not wanting to wallow in a depressive downward spiral. Still ended up there..

It just hurts not knowing if I'm going to wake up feeling better or worse..

 

[Friday]

Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is morbid curiosity. Hmmmm... How much worse can it get? :cautious::shifty::watching: C'mon, life! Gauntlet thrown down!!! Ya gonna pony up? Where's my damn popcorn? ((I have learned these are not challenges I really want accepted, but I get in DGAF moods now and then. Challenge in haste, regret at leisure. Sigh.))

Sometimes I just don't have the energy to off myself.

Where it gets dicey? Is when I have lost my damn sense of humor (morbid or not) AND I have enough energy to act.

1 of 2 things needs to happen there:

1 I need to act, and act fast, to redirect my course (hello safety & contingency plans... If you don't have one or more in place? In the middle of a depression is a sucky time to start setting them up, but on the bright side? You know, trial by fire, how well they work! :p) before I do off myself, or 2 I need help, now, period.

Depression lies. Now is not forever. Things do change, even if it feels like they never will, or will only change for the worst, and worst, and worst.

This shit is just so damn painful sometimes. And some days we just get through. Keep moving, if only forward in time, until we can get some damn traction, and be moving in the direction we want to be moving in.

Strength to ya.

 

[Jnean]

It seems I'm not alone in this fearing of tomorrow thing. It feels shitty. I'm constantly reminding myself that it's just now that needs to matter and try to reel myself back in the present. It's just so challenging sometimes to live in the present, to just be there, even if I know it's a safe place, possibly the safest place for me, it still can be much more exhausting than the alternatives at times. Wishing you hope at this time. I try to have faith that everything is okay, I am not alone and I will be able to kick tomorrows ass if I need to.

 

[.45 Princess]

Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is morbid curiosity. Hmmmm... How much worse can [/...

Very true words!

Depression is a d*amn good liar.

The moments when I dissociate and have the feeling of giving up are my "crisis moments". I've been able to prevent myself from reaching that point but I do need to find other/better ways of releasing..