This Is Not My Life. Not My Truth.

[Sing2me]

It is ok darling. It is like a nightmare, scary and painful, but whether you feel like you will or not, you will always wake up. If you are a Christian then take comfort in the verse Isaiah 41:10. If your not a Christian I still hope it helps. I am sorry for your pain and wish I could give or say something meaningful that would take it all away. But I will pray for you to have peace and tell you your not alone.
People like you, wherever we all are, understand and we care.:(

 

[Tinyflame]

I suppose it being (well 'seeming') unreal served it's purpose to get through. Maybe now if that's not needed it's allows your mind (and heart) to consider how real it is?

(((((Big hugs :hug: )))))

 

[Bilby]

:hug:

B x

 

[Shellbell]

Dear Abstract, I have only just seen this thread.

I relate only too well to the surreal feelings that surely this cannot be my life. I don't even understand how I survived it all. Avoiding it and being in denial for 20 years made it feel like it almost must have happened to someone else. Like it was just a big nightmare that didn't really happen. I had no support until very recently, and this is why I couldn't 'go there' and I think I protected myself well, not allowing myself to deal with it, I couldn't as it was too much to deal with on my own.

But when the PTSD hit full force this year, I felt like I was crazy having all these horrendous memories suddenly come up that I had hidden from myself for so long and suddenly being unable to cope, function, work, parent, everything. I thought I was going insane.

Not long before I started therapy in August this year, I googled my worst abuser, only to see the online newspaper state about his criminal convictions for abuse caused to me and the 'accidental' death of a former girlfriend. That brought me crashing back into reality that yes, it did all happen. And I am lucky to have survived.

You're not crazy. I'm not crazy. We are just dealing with all this the best way we can.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract, I understand that you are in alot of anguish grief, pain and confusion. When I was first diagnoses I was emptied out and I had a big identity crises. It took years to form a new me. It was the worst years of my life. I felt so robbed and cheated of a normal life, as I began to deal with the truth my family vanished. They could not deal with me being the truthteller and breaking the spell of denial.

It was a very lonly time for me. But I know who I am now and I know what happened to me. I still struggle with the symptoms of ptsd and probably always will.

I wish you the best. I wish I could offer you some hope and some comfort. You will come to know yourself in a way you have never known before. You will find that you are better than you think you think you are. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

Do you miss the old you? I did not miss the old me. I wanted to find out who I really was..

Dear Gizmo,
I don't really know how to answer that. :( I thought I wanted to know. No, I don't think I do want to know if I have to accept that I am not as strong as I think I am or want to be.

Its complicated because I have already been on a long journey of self discovery and T. And the whole way through I thought that trauma was not part of my story. And I have healed in so many ways ... only to find myself faced by this. But most of the time I truly think I am lying about it and I must be one of those attention seeking people inventing a condition to get attention and that I am lying to everyone. That I am an insult to people who are really suffering. I really don't have that much trauma either so that just adds to my self disgust and hatred.

Thank you Jaret for the hug. Hugs back to you.

Hi Cherokee,
Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I am just making it all up and I am "fine". :rolleyes:

Maybe now if that's not needed it's allows your mind (and heart) to consider how real it is?

Dear Junebug,
Yes, I think you are possibly right. In my rational moments I think that anyway. Not too many rational moments unfortunately. Before I totally knew nothing had affected me. Then a part of me was saying I was in distress and it did. And now the two sides do battle constantly. Sometimes at the same time. It feels like I am crazy and just need to go back to how I was but maybe it is progress. :rolleyes: The rate I am going I may be able to get somehwhere in another 5 years or so. :alien:
:hug:

Dear Bilby,
Thank you for the hug. :hug: back to you.

Avoiding it and being in denial for 20 years made it feel like it almost must have happened to someone else.
But when the PTSD hit full force this year, I felt like I was crazy having all these horrendous memories suddenly come up ...I thought I was going insane.
You're not crazy. I'm not crazy. We are just dealing with all this the best way we can.

Dear shellbell,

Thank you! it helps to hear that. I relate a lot. I have not had the severe trauma you have but anything that has happened feels like it happened to someone else. In fact my whole life until recently feels like it happened to someone else. And I have huge chunks of childhood missing and flashbacks that link to nothing I know about.

You see I say that and then I am hit with what seems like the equivalent of a screaming voice saying I am lying and many more emotive things on top. I can't do or say anything without this type of backlash.

This stuff hit me really badly about two years ago and I stopped functioning. It was just as I finally got over other mental health issues I battled for a very long time. I was having trauma therapy but it was with a charity and I only had 15 sessions. Now I am out there again and every time I try to do something to find a T I am hit by a wall of liar stuff. I go around and around in circles and just think I have some sort of attention seeking disorder.

I had a big identity crises. It took years to form a new me. But I know who I am now and I know what happened to me.
I wish I could offer you some hope and some comfort. You will come to know yourself in a way you have never known before.

Dear Gizmo,

Thank you for your constant kindness. Yes it is an identity crisis. Or maybe not yet as I really do not think this belongs to me. :confused: The thing is that I feel that I struggled long and hard to find the true me. I thought I had. And I have in many ways. I think maybe my story is unusual as I refused to admit to any of this and yet have had masses of t for other stuff. So I have done most of the work ... except the trauma itself. Which I feel I am making up.

So I think that maybe I just don't want to get on with my life so am manufacturing something.

Processing the trauma does not sound like it could possibly make me know myself in any way that is good. :( Your words sound comforting and I want to believe them but everything inside me thinks :confused: Did actually processing the trauma help in how you thought of yourself and your place in life? Hugs back to you.

Still feeling nutty as a christmas fruit cake.

Thanks everyone for being so patient.

 

[Abstract]

About 6 months ago I started being even more convinced I was lying and was "fine" and just needed to get on with my life and stop pretending. Its more than a bit embarrassing to admit but I started having this weird stuff where I was convinced I was fine and 100 % OK and would be cutting myself at the same time. I am not saying that in a DID way but I was literally doing battle with myself and it felt totally separated and out of my control. Its this freaky stuff that has managed to move me forward just a little again as I cant exactly ignore it. Its hard to even put into words. I only managed to stop it when I started to acknowledge a little more what was happening.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Abstract))) It took a real long time to accept the bad things that happened to me. I thought when I started therapy three months and I would be on my merry way. Boy was I for a big reality check.

At first I was so completely devastated. I just crumbled. I had to get out of all the many things I had been involved in. I was angry at the well meaning but ignorant things people would tell me. I was desperately looking for help. I went to ACA for a year. That was the best group I had been a part of. I was in some bad groups.

I finally quit therapy when I decided I wanted to learn how to think for myself. I finally did learn how to think for myself but I still need help. I am socially unskilled and stunted. That is from being so isolated. Now I am really isolated. I am in a bind. I have made friends with a couple who I see occasionally. I have two friends I only have phone contact with.

You come across very sane. You make alot of sense. I think you will be ok. It is just so painful and agonizing to go through the stage you are at. It is a transitional space you are in. Your whole reality is shifting into a bigger picture so everything is new. It takes along time to adjust to that.

You will be ok. Hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, I can relate entirely in the regard of all-encompassing minimization, (and therefore 'how' I think I should be, or feel, or think, or what I should accomplish, being that it 'wasn't/ isn't ever a big deal'... )

I now what you mean, about the self-abuse/ destruction-but-it's-really-ok experience. :rolleyes:

It will be ok, ... mountains and valleys. One minute at a time. :hug:

(PS, I love fruitcake, and any cake for that matter. ;) :) )

Biggest of Hugs, (((((Dear Abstract :inlove: )))))

 

[Lady Vet]

Reading this thread is like coming home. I keep trying to tell my trauma counselor that this is not who I am, and she keeps telling me that it IS who I am and trying to get me to accept it. My life has been hijacked by the PTSD with all of the crap that I deal with every single day...she doesn't get that. I am working on finding a way to coexist in peace with the PTSD, even if I can't change it, but it's not easy.....none of this work with PTSD is easy. I still hold true to the fact that this ISN'T me...that this ISN'T the life I was ever intended to live, that I have been bound up by the PTSD weaving its deadly tendrils all around my spirit and my life. I want MY life back...if that's even possible...

 

[Abstract]

Thank you so much everyone. I really value your input. Very embarrassed about all this. Shall come back when I get the courage.

 

[faraway]

This cannot be my life. This can't be true. I must be making this all up. I am sure I am really fine.

Me too.

My life wasn't meant to be like this

Mine neither.

I have always valued my logic.

Oh yes! Rational me rules! Or did. Rational me is losing ground nowadays and this is the super scary part. I am afraid I'll not be able to take care of myself any more.

I wanted to find out who I really was.

Yep. I'm giving it a go and it's scary and not at all what I expected.

most of the time I truly think I am lying about it and I must be one of those attention seeking people inventing a condition to get attention and that I am lying to everyone.

Abstract, this is a major fear of mine as well. I nearly quit going to therapy last week because there is a voice inside of me which says that I am the bad thing and that I am making it all up for attention. I wrote out all my fears to my therapist and he said that I wasn't the bad thing - that people only end up like me when something bad happens to them. But that wasn't good enough for the voice. The voice made him promise that when he found out that I was right and he was wrong, that he wouldn't punish or reject me for wasting his time. He promised and our next session was quite fruitful - I think the voice trusts him a little bit now.

Now I am out there again and every time I try to do something to find a T I am hit by a wall of liar stuff. I go around and around in circles and just think I have some sort of attention seeking disorder.

Maybe you should try getting your therapist to promise you this too?