This Is Not My Life. Not My Truth.

[quaintpapercut]

Reading this thread was very helpful for me today. Its so incredibly reassuring to come here and read that I am not alone in the way that I feel. Everything can feel so overwhelming sometimes that I get a little lost and find it hard to find my way back again.

I wrote out all my fears to my therapist and he said that I wasn't the bad thing - that people only end up like me when something bad happens to them. But that wasn't good enough for the voice. The voice made him promise that when he found out that I was right and he was wrong, that he wouldn't punish or reject me for wasting his time.

I really relate to this. That pervasive feeling that everything happened because there was some sort of smudge on my soul. I feel like I've been marked and thats why so many bad things kept happening over and over again. I think its really good that your listening to that voice who is telling you that and giving it reassurance. I do think its a balance and I often feel like I am split in two. I am the mediator trying to appease both sides so they both feel heard and taken care of.

It is just so painful and agonizing to go through the stage you are at. It is a transitional space you are in. Your whole reality is shifting into a bigger picture so everything is new. It takes along time to adjust to that.

It's such a confusing time and I'm trying to remind myself that this is just part of the process. I'm not going to stay in this frame of mind forever. Its this whole process where the fog starts to slowly clear and the picture begins to take shape. I think the scariest part for me is realizing that these memories were there the entire time. Its such a jarring and unsettling feeling.

Abstract, it sounds like your doing a lot of work on trying to understand yourself better. Its a really painful process trying to integrate memories. I told my therapist that if I had to draw it out I would be a larger circle with a ton of circles floating above and around me - but not in me. Shifting that balance where you begin to bring memories and emotions of things far removed, closer to you as a person causes everything else to shift to. It sometimes feels like I'm standing on a foundation of sand.

I'm really glad that I found this post as I was feeling very out of sorts this afternoon.

 

[safenow]

then I am hit with what seems like the equivalent of a screaming voice saying I am lying and many more emotive things on top. I can't do or say anything without this type of backlash.

That sounds like a person from your past who told you that if you ever told anyone they wouldn't believe you. You must have been very young when that happened. ((((abstract )))), if you don't mind me hugging you. I promise it's a safe, gentle hug. I don't know you story, but you have the symptom signs of it being from early childhood. Just saying, I don't' believe you are making anything up. No one would make up such things. (well, there are those who do, but that's a different thing. They do it for attention and never have the humility you have.)

IMHO = In my humble opinion

safenow.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think someone told me that no one would believe me. My parents took me to a doctor who told me a story about a little girl that was given a pearl necklace and every time she told a lie a pearl would fall off and then the necklace began to choke her. I liked the doctor and I thought she was nice, but the story she told me was not very nice.

I remember my dad writing my teacher a very long letter that I was supposed to give to my teacher. I thought it was about how bad I was. I blocked out that time in school. I blocked out alot of things. My dad was really good at conning people that he was a good guy and the fuss was over nothing. No wonder I blocked out so much.

Abstract I hope for you peace and healing. You deserve so much good in your life. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

all-encompassing minimization, (and therefore 'how' I think I should be, or feel, or think, or what I should accomplish, being that it 'wasn't/ isn't ever a big deal'... ) I now what you mean, about the self-abuse/ destruction-but-it's-really-ok experience.

Dear Junebug,
I am sorry that you relate to these. They are all very painful. I can so see for you that your feelings are valid and important.

I keep trying to tell my trauma counselor that this is not who I am, and she keeps telling me that it IS who I am

Dear Lady Vet,
Thank you for sharing that with me. If I could get myself back into therapy and have someone fight this stuff with me then I think it might help. But maybe they will tell me I am lying and have factitious disorder. :confused: I don't know. It is very confusing. I hope this is going better for you.

Abstract, this is a major fear of mine as well. I nearly quit going to therapy last week because there is a voice inside of me which says that I am the bad thing and that I am making it all up for attention.

Thanks again for sharing this with me dear Faraway. You are always such a comfort for me with this stuff. Its crazy making isn't it? The level of my confusion astounds at times.

It sometimes feels like I'm standing on a foundation of sand. I'm really glad that I found this post as I was feeling very out of sorts this afternoon.

Dear quaintpapercut,
Thank you for bumping this thread. I sort of ran away and then ended up starting another one in a similar vein. Both have helped me a lot. I am sorry that you are struggling so much with this stuff. It is very painful and confusing. It isn't even so much that I am overwelmed by the badness of things that happened to me. Most of the time they feel like nothing and really in reality they are not much at all. I have long gaps but I usually don't think anything happened in that time either.

I totally relate to the foundation of sand. I often feel like I am Alice In wonderland and am falling down the rabbit hole. Something shifts and the whole world spins. Its hard not to think I am really just crazy. I hope things settle for you.

I don't' believe you are making anything up

Thank you for saying that dear Safenow. It helps. It is all extremely confusing and I really am not sure that I am not making it up. That I am not one of those people pretending to have PTSD for the sake of attention and that I have mislead the professionals. :confused:

And thank you for bringing up that it might be tapes of what others have said to me. I do think this might be part of it and I have become my own abuser. It feels like that often. It's got a little bit quieter inside recently which is good. I think that is as a result of the help I have received on here and because of me keeping on discussing things even when I don't believe them/myself. Thank you for your gentle hugs and some back for you if you would like them.

I think someone told me that no one would believe me

Dear Gizmo,
I am so very sorry. I think these things are injuring in themselves for us. I actually think that dr was incredibly cruel and a disgrace to her profession. Some people are just sick. I am sorry you experienced that and sorry you needed to block out so much. My father was also expert on looking good and had an important and highly respected role in society too. That doesn't help me trust my feelings about family either.

This might be partly denial (having a moment when I can believe that) but if it isn't me making it up I think it is more complex than that and is also about some sort of introjected invalidator. It is like a cycle of self hatred and abuse followed by a smidgeon of belief and the minimisation and possible denial. Or it is me making up the PTSD. Nuts.

Thank you everyone.

 

[Abstract]

Rapid cycling:
I have PTSD - I don't have PTSD - I have factitious disorder - I am schizophrenic - I am in denial with self invalidation overtones - I have PTSD.... rinse and repeat 5 x a minute and sometimes all simultaneously.

 

[JustBe]

Gizmo, what a horrible thing that the Doctor said to you! You were just a kid and that must have scared you. :(

When we're little we believe that stuff.

 

[JustBe]

Abstract,

I've only been in Therapy since September, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about (that's my disclaimer!).

The first month of Therapy my main issue was just what you said; that I felt my trauma was no big deal, that I was weak and wimpy and should just shut up and suck it up.

She took me on, point by point until I realized that yes, it is a reality and not me catastrophizing my life.

You are not alone.

 

[Abstract]

it is a reality and not me catastrophizing my life

Thanks movinon. It helps when others say that they experince a version of this as it gives me hope I am not making up the PTSD, the past and am not just attention seeking or crazy. I wish you well with your journey.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract you are not crazy or making up anything. You are not imaging this. It is quite real. I hate it. I am weary of it. I had a good day today, but I am so tired of the rollercoaster. I know I am not alone. You are very wise. You explain things in a way that makes understanding easy. You are a real compassionate person, I am sad that you are suffering so. I wish you well and healing on your way. I hope you get equipped to handle and deal with all that comes your way.

I am glad to have met you even though it is online. You have helped me out so many times. You inspire me. I look forward to what you have to say. You are a beautiful human being. Thank you for being you.

 

[Abstract]

Gizmo, thank you. :notworthy::oops: I cant feel worthy of that but shall try to accept it and let it in. Thank you for saying such beautiful things about me. I feel privileged to have met you. Your compassion and wisdom cut through things so often for me and I know for many others too.

 

[Bilby]

:hug: Hugs if that's ok, Abstract.

B x

 

[Sailorgal]

(((ABSTRACT)))

I just saw this thread last night but somehow I missed the reply.

You're spot on about that wheel that goes in circles bringing guilt-shame-condemnation.

I remember many times sitting in the living room, watching tv - the whole day would pass - and I was unaware of the time. I never had a start or end to my day - it was just one big blur. I remember trying a few times to think about things, and I couldn't. I told myself I was ok. Then at night, after an argument, I wouldn't be able to sleep. All I could think about was how awful my life was, how crazy I was, and just wishing I could die. Every day was the same pattern. It's odd that we always remember the negatives, never the positives. I knew I was crazy and no one believed me (the few I told my issues with). All those things you shouldn't say to someone with PTSD? Yes, I was told all those things. I was already feeling miserable, and then got another layer of misery on top of it!

But you know what....you DO want attention. You want respect, trust, love, validation...we ALL want that. And that's OK. It reminds us that our brains are fighting for us though it seems like it's against us at times. :cautious:

I hope each day you can accept yourself for being exactly where you are right NOW. I have to stop myself from over analyzing all the time and just tell myself, "Ok this is how I feel. But what matter is that I don't let this get in the way of my healing and moving forward." For the 3rd night in a row, I haven't cried and no real anxiety. :tup:

I didn't realize how much being in this forum would help me. I thought I'd find answers but I found more - I found comfort and validation. It takes the sting out of things, doesn't it?

Hugs to you dear Abstract!!!!:hug: