This Is Why I'm Angry At My Therapist!

[Jade-]

The last thing I want to do is sit in my therapists office while he makes excuses for her behavior yet again. He gave me a book to read so that I could see her as a person and not just a parent.

My therapist did the same thing. Every time I talked about my mom and what a total bitch/c*nt/horrible person she was/is, it seemed like he was making excuses for her. It really pissed me off and made me feel like the way I felt wasn't important.

Now, a year later, I can see her as a person and see that she has/had her own issues. It doesn't excuse the things she did or didn't do, but it has taken away alot of the anger to realize she was just as f*cked up as I am....maybe more.

It's hard to see past the anger and even harder to ever think you may see past it, but once you do, it makes a huge difference.So, I don't think your T. is wrong is what he's doing. I think he's trying to help you, not just piss you off.

 

[Heather]

Now, a year later, I can see her as a person and see that she has/had her own issues. It doesn't excuse the things she did or didn't do, but it has taken away alot of the anger to realize she was just as f**ked up as I am....maybe more.

Okay - let's say that's what he is doing and you're probably right Jade. How did you get to that point? Was there something specific that you can pinpoint that made you see her in a different light?

I know my mom has issues that's completely and totally apparent. And she is way f**ked up....probably more than I am. The thing that pisses me off is that she won't acknowledge any of that. Nothing is ever he fault. She is perfect and knows everything. Even when she has no clue what the f**ck she's talking about she still knows better.

So, when my therapist sits there and tells me she can't help it my b.p skyrockets to 220/180. He's so blase about the whole thing and sits there like he's selling me aluminum siding. It's infuriating!

 

[catjudo]

You can't change your mother. You can only accept her for the way that she is. To continue to expect something more or different from her is only to set yourself up for disappointment and anger. You must either accept her the way she is or cut her from your life.

 

[Heather]

I know what you're saying catjudo is 100% spot-on. My problem is accepting it. That I still have trouble doing.

Because I know how damaging it is to call your child stupid and ugly. THAT IS WHY I DON'T SAY THOSE MEAN, HORRIBLE, NAST THINGS TO MINE. So, if I know that. How come she doesn't? Why is she so f**king clueless?
And she has even said, "I hear those things come out of my mouth....." So, she has some awareness. So, if the rest of the world has to be held accountable for their actions, why not her?

I know I'm ranting. I'll get off my soapbox now. I need to work on this, I really do.

 

[anthony]

Usually has to do with the abuse cycle, ie. go looking for any facts or information on whether she was also abused. Try to understand if it existed. Its not an excuse, its part of the reason though... when you look at health care, mental health wasn't exactly something you could say openly 20 years ago... and even today, you are still looked at and treated differently.

 

[Jade-]

. How did you get to that point? Was there something specific that you can pinpoint that made you see her in a different light?

Well, in my case, once I decided I needed to let go of the anger (for my own sanity), I took the time to put myself in my mom's shoes. We were both abused by the same person, starting at a very young age. When I took the time to actually think about that and how it must have affected her, I started seeing things differently. I went through the same things she did and I have major issues, I was wrong in expecting her not to have any just because she was 'mom'.

It doesn't mean I have forgiven her or that I don't still get pissed at her, it just means that I understand why she is the way she is and why she was the way she was. It hasn't erased the hurt, but it has taken away alot of the anger.

My mom doesn't acknowledge anything or accept any blame...and she most likely never will. She will never change, and as much as I would like for her to, there's nothing I can do about it. I always felt like I could never get better unless she changed too, or at least acknowledge that the things she did were wrong....but, as catjudo said....
"You can't change your mother. You can only accept her for the way that she is. To continue to expect something more or different from her is only to set yourself up for disappointment and anger. You must either accept her the way she is or cut her from your life." ...And I have chosen to cut her from my life. It's for the best in my situation.

 

[Heather]

" ...And I have chosen to cut her from my life. It's for the best in my situation.

How has it been for you since you've cut her from your life? Do you have kids? And if so how has it been for them? Do you miss her at all?

 

[Heather]

Therapy takes all forms... and I don't disagree if you had something that resembled her, and belted the crap out of it with a baseball bat... as that is much better than you belting her or a person with one in a fit of rage.I have seen therapy involve a Piñata, a bat and a photo copied picture of an assailant, then the patient let loose on it. It got ugly... though the person got a lot of frustration out, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain...
I think if its not breaking the law, and not retraumatizing you, then it could be valid therapy. .

You're NO FUN Anthony! I'd rather beat her in person

. Although, I don't think I'd like prison. I like your suggestion of going to the pinata store. I'll take my daughter and we'll have a beat grammy session (NOT) LOL. I'm gonna take a picture of her and blow it up really big and then pound away

 

[Jade-]

How has it been for you since you've cut her from your life?

I actually just recently cut her out of my life, so it hasn't been very long. As more days and weeks go by that I'm not upset over something she has said or done, the more I realize it was the best decision. I wish I had done it a long time ago. I kept saying I was going to and knew I needed to, but just couldn't quite do it.

Yes, I have kids. ....and I made the mistake of forcing them to go to her house when they were younger. Later on I actually paid them to get around her. They didn't want to be around her at all. She never physically abused them or anything, but she treated them like shit. They wanted nothing to do with her and didn't understand why I did.

A question I wish I would have asked myself years ago is what in the hell am I doing taking my kids around someone that treats them like shit...and treats me like shit in front of them. Or what is wrong with this picture...why am I paying my kids to see their grandma. I wish I would have spared them instead of forcing them to be around her because I felt a sense of loyalty ( which was really stupidity).

So, cutting her out of my life works out good for everyone.

 

[Heather]

..why am I paying my kids to see their grandma. her because I felt a sense of loyalty .

You mean you paid them cash (money) to see her? I hope you're not offended but I find that kinda funny. I shoulda made my mom give us cash when we had to see our grandmother cause she was the b*tch of all b*tches.

On a serious note. I feel a sense of loyalty to my mother too. When my brother-in-law sex. assaulted me my sister did not believe me (ofcourse). My mother did and told me sister she knew I wasn't lying. My sister was furious and wouldn't let my mom see my sister's kids for almost a year. Ofcourse my mom was furious at me and blames me for going to the police but that's a different post. My mom cried everyday for months. So, if I cut her out of my life and my daughter's life she would be devastated. I don't know if I could do that. Even though it probably would be for the best. For both (myself and Nicole's) emotional well-being.

 

[Jade-]

Yes, I paid them cash Heather....it was the only way I could bribe them to see her.

You say your mom would be devastated....but what about you if you keep her in your life? I'm not trying to convince you to cut your mom out of your life, that's your decision. I just know it was the best thing for me.

 

[anthony]

Was also the best for Nicolette... it got to a point she was self destructing due to the abusive relationship that existed... something had to give, and her mother was adamant she had done nothing wrong by allowing the abuse to occur. I agree either way... its an individual choice.