Sexual Assault This Makes Me Feel So Disgusting

[DiamondBug]

@DiamondBug, please be aware that Ts are trained to keep boundaries for everybody's good...

That's why I never wanted to push it with him, because I didn't know whether it would be pushing his boundaries. I suppose I won't know if I don't even hint of the idea. I might attempt to talk about it one day, I just will have to pluck my courage up first! Thanks for your support, Huge :hug: back!

 

[DiamondBug]

I gained the help of a celebity Doctor (long story) on how to tell my therapist of my real tr...

Thank you for your response, I am going to try and use the notes idea, because I need to get it off my chest, it almost feels like I'm getting to the breaking point now.
My t knows the main things that happened, but barely any details. I can talk about some of the bad bits but it's just the other darker stuff, I'm sure you understand how those words feel, so hopefully writing it won't be as bad for me. This way also using the notes I might be able to finally tell my story in full properly, which is what I've been aiming for.
I know it'll make me feel so much better.
I can't thank you enough for sharing what you have with me, it's helped me and the notes idea I think will really help me. You're a very strong and brave person! Take care :hug:

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you @DiamondBug - you are not to blame and you are not gross. You are not what has happened to you, you are not defined by someone else's actions. Also you are CERTAINLY not responsible for whether or not it happens to other people - I'm not surprised you found that really hard to hear as it's simply not true. I really battle with that kind of thought, but I am told/and tell myself over and over again that THEY are responsible for their actions and whether they do it again. It's hard enough to deal with the trauma without taking on the responsibility of someone else's. You've done what you needed to do to survive - and you're here.

I also find it really hard to say things, I tend to also write things down and pass them to my T and not look at her. I also am currently disclosing little bits at a time, so that I can suss out how well she deals with it. Sometimes I want her to be totally unshockable, but sometimes it is healthy to see someone respond to what you tell them because it helps you realise that it wasn't ok, it wasn't normal or the way you should be treated.

In terms of the boundaries/hugging things - I recommend letting your T know that you're feeling like you want a hug etc. that way it gives him a way to inform you of the boundaries without you having initiated contact and him "rejecting" it. It's more like a discussion, and then you can establish what works. It's understandable that you want contact - as you say, being isolated with this and being let down by the police/school/your parents leaves you bound to seek comfort from someone you feel more able to support you, and this could be your T. Try to remember, any boundaries are there to protect both you and your T, they aren't there for the sake of it, and they are not to make you feel bad, much as it can be hard when someone doesn't give you the physical comfort you want.

You are being really brave, and showing great strength working towards your goal of sharing your story.

 

[foreveralone2099]

I was advised against going for a female t as my first and last told me if my 3 rapists did that to any other girls it'd be my fault because I didn't report it, it caused me attempt suicide.
I think I'm almost in love with him just because I've never had this sort of interaction with anyone especially not a man, I think I'll grow past it

harsh but true! she's a bad therapist tho should have been more attuned to your emotional state. i've been sexually assaulted but triple rape holy shit how do you stay sane. you must be very strong. like your shitty therapist i don't have the right ways to respond as i can't even wrap my mind around what you have been thru; the abject cruelty of what they did to you seems overwhelming.

i'm sorry the people in your life are so shitty but i'm really proud to see the posters here stepping up for you. i left my hometown in the deep south about 5 years ago and that seemed to solve a lot of my problems; the misogyny is less bad here. i don't know if that would do anything for you. i found cutting off contact with my parents helpful as well; again this is a judgment call.

i work in the skilled trades and recently nearly fell in love with my journeyman because, like with your therapist, he was being nice to me. if you or anyone else have any insight into the connection between bad traumatic experiences and this sort of glomming onto inappropriate but "safe" male authority figures i'd love to hear it. have been watching the 2006 adaption of jane eyre this week and i think it's the same story; jane is an abused young woman who seeks a romantic relationship to heal herself.

judith herman's book trauma and recovery seems to make the same case but i think she wants us to choose someone appropriate lol.

Take care of yourself!

you too ma'am.

 

[aut555]

Wanting to hug your t is normal but you seem to understand that this is not appro for lots of reasons. But you are looking for safe human contact which is normal. Because of a rigorous workout, l ended up needing massages to loosen up my muscles. But these massages provided human touch which we all need. So it may be healthier to go for 45 mins of a massage. I request a female masseuse, so l feel safe. You may prefer a male one. So proud that you are so proactive in your healing journey. You are brave, you are getting stronger, you are a message to me to keep moving forward no matter what, reach for that gold ring.

 

[shimmerz]

That's why I used to bring my teddy bear whenever I used to go to T. Always huggable.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

That's why I used to bring my teddy bear whenever I used to go to T. Always huggable.

I do this too. And I bring anything that feels safe - for me, that's diet coke and antibacterial hand-gel. Anything to make you feel safer when discussing things that feel scary.

Keep going everyone.

 

[Cannottakethis]

So brave of you to share any of your story. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I've found that writing the details down and then reading them to my T makes things much easier.
As for you being to blame, I disagree. You were victim to a horrible crime. It's not your job to do anything but take care of yourself and your needs. That was quite wrong to say to you.
I don't typically see male therapists, and if you're having these feelings they might interfere with your ability to get better. You might be best to switch to someone who you don't feel that way about.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

What a difficult thread to read. @DiamondBug my heart bleeds for you too. No one should even have such a story to tell. I'm so thankful you have chosen to take this step and let us in to your story. I agree completely that you are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart and soul.

I probably can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, however I just want to reinforce that yes, opening up to your therapist is important and also one of the hardest things asked of you. You seem to have developed an attachment to him and while that's already been answered, it's still important to give him the right picture. He can't know how to help you or what action to take if he doesn't have all the facts. I have a story that resulted in ptsd as has everyone else here. I've also experienced an unexpected sexual assault just in the last month or so and now have to deal with this over the holiday time. We all share a common connection.

Your therapist will be able to help you set boundaries and feel stronger and better about yourself. Give it some time and stop punishing yourself for something you had no control over and isn't your fault. You didn't ask for any of this. You're the victim in this. Yes, the world is an ugly place sometimes. We get left to pick up the pieces. Not fair.

 

[aut555]

What a difficult thread to read. @DiamondBug my heart bleeds for you too. No one...

Sorry to hear of this happening to you also. Sending compassion and virtual hugs if allowed to you and to OP. Being female can be one of the toughest jobs in the universe.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I'm sorry to hear that @stp2012 - make sure you take care of yourself over the holidays, you deserve it, however much the voices in your head tell you that you don't.

Thinking of you @DiamondBug

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you. It's true that there are certain fears that women in particular fear most. Much worse when those fears are realized. Doesn't mean life isn't worth living anymore (even if those feelings come up) but it wasn't my fault just as it wasn't @DiamondBug 's fault either..... yes, I'm partly saying that to help convince myself.

It does leave you feeling disgusting and filthy. Worthy of no one. But to act on that doesn't help anyone but rather allows the perpetrators more control...even if they don't know or care.

Yes, the holidays are hard. Going into a new year bringing "baggage" with you is hard. However, the calendar will still change over and a new year will start. Hopefully a better one - for so many here on the forum.