This Too

[Blurred]

While I didn't mind this article, I do feel, somewhat, that in an attempt to counter the so called "victim identity movement" that the author swings a little too far in the opposite direction in the last sections on treatment. Those last sections seem a bit idealistic and unrealistic to me and seem to be weighted more on the side of understanding and compassion for abusers (maybe I just went into a more emotional mind with those sections).

I don't think anger at an abuser is necessarily a bad thing. Anger can be used positively - I got out of long term DV when I suddenly went from being overly compassionate to being angry. While in the midst of an abusive relationship, I personally could not find a balanced state where I could have a more realistic and balanced compassion toward my abuser.

It feels to me as though he's talking more about abuse arising out of ignorance - like someone having a crappy day and unwittingly taking it out on their partner rather than more all encompassing abuse. Makes me wonder how many rapists would positively respond to his treatment philosophy. Maybe I'm just too cynical. Overall I think the article is a bit simplistic, generalized and idealistic.

 

[shimmerz]

The desire to be identified as a victim creates a sense of entitlement and a motive to devalue anyone who does not offer special recognition and validation of victim status or compensation for it.

I am looking at this as well. It actually sets the whole tone of the piece for me. Perhaps that is due to my past (and present) experiences. I can't believe this guy is a doctor. Steven Stosney is the founder of CompassionPower in suburban Washington, DC. lol. Compassion Power? Kidding right?

First, I need to say that I think that we (as a group) sit at the far end of the scale for experiences having to do with abuse. Maybe that matters. And maybe that needs to be vetted out in this piece and all pieces like it. You know, a disclaimer that 'there are examples of abuse that go far beyond the range of this particular topic'. or something like that.

But I feel like this type of speak is why I had the issues I did when I was going through the DV and everyone turned their heads and said 'sorry, don't want to be involved'.

I was coming into work with huge bruises, having been up all night because the home alarm was being activated, having to go home to make sure my animals weren't dead etc (so many things) and it was astounding to me that people were looking at ME and questioning ME about it. Judging my character!

Like what, I threw myself into a wall to get a bruise the size of Texas on me? Come on people, use your heads!

And this paragraph that I have copied (which was the leading paragraph, which really sets the tone), puts out there that victims are looking for something. And the author is right. Victims are looking for something. Safety. How many women (predominantly) are killed in DV related incidents? Victims many times are looking for help so that they can stay alive.

But no.... we will write an introductory paragraph that talks about victims looking for attention for attention's sake. Because there must be something inherently broken about a victim just for, well - being a victim! Horse shit!

How about leading the article with statistics about how serious DV can be. How many men, women, children are killed as result of DV every day, every week, every year.

I mean really: 'The desire to be identified as a victim' Are you freaking kidding me?

I don't give a crap what generation people are in. Abuse is freaking dangerous!

I am actually wanting to spit nails right now. The line between victims and abusers is that the deck is stacked against the abused and their charges (children?) because of failures in societal values and biases. Something that this article is not helping to dispel.

*Stomps off in an attempt to calm down*.

 

[Sideways]

Er, yes, well Stosny and "Compassion Power" (urgh! Really!?) run 'boot camps' for people who are the abuser in the relationship, rather than the victim, so I wouldn't necessarily say that he's well tuned-in to life from the victim's perspective. No doubt he receives all sorts of oddball reasons from his bootcamp-ees about why they do the things they do. Finding a way to blame that on people who are actually victims? Yeah, riiiight!

 

[shimmerz]

Just a bit of information on how much of a problem this abuse thing is.

30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics That Remind Us It's An Epidemic | Huffington Post

Just a teaser.

The number of American troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488. The number of American women who were murdered by current or ex male partners during that time was 11,766. That’s nearly double the amount of casualties lost during war.

Man, I am having a difficult time settling in this one. Sorry guys. This has me totally cranked up. My bad.

 

[Gs172003]

The author writes:

"Abuse victims, like anyone in relationships with high emotional reactivity, bu...

I think the college thing depends on where you live. That is not a thing here except in certain circles. Most people here are not " super sensitive ". As a matter of fact, kids here make jokes about that kind of thing.

 

[Friday]

I think it's a very good article, especially for new therapists, because it's pointing out that abusers like to paint themselves as victims, and victims like to paint themselves as "at fault". So determining who is actually the abuser isn't quite so clear as taking 2 people's words for it.

My exHusband did such a good job of painting himself as the victim that for awhile I literally carried my X-rays & medical records around with me to "prove" to so-called friends, court appointed idiots, etc. who bought his woe-is-me sob story that "Hey! Other way around, thanks!" And those so-called-friends STILL didn't buy it. Because here TheEx was sobbing -literally- at their houses about how taken advantage he was, how hurt, how unfairly he was being treated;, milking the sympathy for everything he could... And here I was, pissed as hell. When you have someone sobbing in your arms, versus someone furious? Who are you going to believe is the "victim"? Apparently, not the person with the broken bones & ligature marks :rolleyes:

Research and clinical experience clearly indicates that abusers are likely to:

• Underreport, hide, minimize, or justify their abusive behavior
• Describe themselves as victims
• Feel abused when their partners disagree with them or don't do what they want
• Label their partners' behavior as abusive
• Attribute malevolent intent to their partners' positive behavior (manipulative, deceptive)
• Pathologize their partners (emotional or Link Removed, incompetence)
• Use negative labels (nag, irrational, hysterical, lazy, unreliable)
• Have great difficulty describing their partners' perspectives
• Show little or no compassion
• Exhibit self-righteousness

it is often difficult for friends and therapists to detect abuse in intimate relationships and to discern who the primary abuser is.

So I'm beginning to wonder if we're all reading the same article, here. I'm not reading an article about how victims become abusers; but how abusers paint themselves as victims, and how to tell the difference... When someone is desiring that you see them as the victim, when they're actually the abuser.

 

[Gs172003]

As far as the victim to abuser thing...in my opinion I think there are some that have been abused so long they don't know how to not live like that or they take out their anger at their abuser at somebody safe like a nonabuser without even realizing they are doing it. I know I have had times I've done that. It wasn't intentional it just was.

 

[Iamsensative]

@lostforgottensoul not relevant to this post but something you said in your post. People thinking they got PTSD from being cheated on or unconventional sex. Why not? That maybe the only thing they can understand, but they may just be scratching the surface. Just a thought.

 

[Iamsensative]

My ex was the victim, i was just a selfish woman. Friends flocked to help him, my mother even helped him. I was the problem. I had no voice, i had nothing left of me, suicide wasnt an option having to little boys. But i was made into the villian and he oh poor man. I was being abused, it took a doctor after meeting with us both quite a few times to realize, i was being abused. Manipulation goes hand in hand. I dont know how to express anger, i am the fawn, but i have seen a number of victims who resort to hurting others because they have been hurt so badly.

 

[Blurred]

when I was going through the DV and everyone turned their heads and said 'sorry, don't want to be involved'.

Yep...along with basically every other word you wrote shimmerz and you too Friday. I had to read it, calm down, read it again, leave it then go back again before I could remove my emotion from it.

Abusers can definitely play the part of the victim very well. It's funny (not really) that everyone around me completely ignored abuse toward me. Hell, even the psychiatrist at the hospital witnessed it and almost got injured herself when he threw a table at me. But I was the one with the mental health problem while he was the victim crying on everyone's shoulders.

I can also see how some victims can lash out after all the psychological damage but it's not always like that. At the very end of my relationship I snapped during one attack and I fought back to get him off me. After that I felt like I had turned into an abuser myself (and a lot of people told me that too) and it took a long time for me to realise that i was only defending myself. So much extra damage can be done by articles like this and by people with such simplistic and idealistic views of DV victims and abusers.

I can only assume (and hope) that the author isn't talking about serious DV

 

[pixel]

Hey guys, please don't feel too upset — the article is 7 years old.
Given the fact that the author is biased, posting on a fantastical + dubious website, advertising his business and lacking in scholarly references for ANY of his statements, maybe we can take it with a grain of salt?

Like reading an article *ahem advertisement* on hair laser therapy in Womens Health thats seven years old.:meh:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

People thinking they got PTSD from being cheated on or unconventional sex. Why not? That maybe the only thing they can understand, but they may just be scratching the surface.

I meant the only thing, no trauma. And why not? Its not, nor anywhere near, Criteria A trauma (nor is it trauma at all) and since Criteria A is required, no PTSD.