Thought I Was Dying, Now It Increases Sadness.

[Casonsdad]

In 2012 I was shot in the head and the leg, at first I only realized about my leg, until I was sat on some stairs, raised my hands to my head and came down with a pool of blood on my hand. At that moment I realized I was shot in the head too.

Within minutes my body was becoming weak and I was getting tunnel vision and as my body fell back (as what I now realize was going into shock) unable to have the strength to support my body sitting on stairs and my vision fading away, everything was a very dark purplish black.

In this moment I accepted I was dying, that I was feeling the feeling of life fading away. Since then, life has had its ups and downs but only the downs effect me more.

Frequently, while not necessarily suicidal, I just think it would have been better if I had died, in my mind I had to come to terms with "this is it, this is death" and to, for only a slight moment, make peace with death it makes the hard shit that much harder.

I don't always feel like I should have died but I'm not exactly overly grateful to be alive. I mean, I am very grateful to be alive but I've never been one of those over achievers because they almost died. I feel like my good days I am just a normal person and don't end my days saying I'm grateful I made it another day I'm just a normal guy on my good days.

It's the bad ones, where stuff doesn't go my way, I just want to know if I'm the only one that feels that way just like i never would feel this pain now (mental and emotional, not physical) if I only died that day.

I got shot in the head and the leg and am very lucky to live a normal life only slightly affected physically by the incident by having a bullet in the back of my thigh that only slightly hurts and very seldomly as well. I know I am not near grateful enough to be alive, and I shouldn't think that it would be better if I died when I get down.

I just want to know if there's anyone else who has had something similar happen to them and possibly react the same as I do now or even differently. Let me know your insight if you know anything about what I'm going thru or what might help me psychologically. I'm not in fear or panic usually just mostly on what's going on emotionally is what I need help with.

 

[EveHarrington]

I can't comment on having a similar situation however I do want to say that our feelings are never wrong. There is never one way that we need to feel or should feel about anything. Feelings, no matter what they are-----are always valid.

If the feelings are negative and effecting daily life, then therapy can help us process what we're feeling so that we can move forward.

I just hate to see you feeling like there's something wrong since you don't believe that you feel grateful enough to be alive.

 

[ladee]

Possibly you are comparing what you have heard and read of others with near death experiances feel after not dying. Like me, you have PTSD and rarely do we feel, act or react like 'normal' people, what ever that means.
I have not had that experience, but do understand how you feel... because sometimes our constant question is ' Is this all there is".
Hope you have a T to help you thru this.Let me be grateful for you, now you can get on with the other important things in your life.

 

[Stickler]

Yeah...I have had several notable fairly-in-death's-vicinity experiences...and when I get depressed I think of all the times I failed to die from illness or accident.

...With a great deal of annoyance...

 

[Friday]

I'm not special. Ordinary. Average at best, and I'm rarely at my best. There is no reason for me to have survived when others, amazing others, others who would have truly made this world and everyone they touched better by their simply breathing died.

I stand in the shower, sometimes, and wonder if I have died. If all of this life is just the last few seconds stretched out into an eternity, like a dream where time makes no difference. I've lived lifetimes in my dreams before. What if this life is no different? And at any moment I might just wake up? If that's why so often my past and my present mix up. Or maybe this is heaven. Hell. Purgatory. Elysium. The shack outside Valhalla. Some version of an afterlife. Or if I'm in a hospital in a coma. Or?

I remember the bored disappointment at being shocked back to life. I remember the desperate struggle, gasping pure air glad to be alive, if only for a second more, because I'm not done, yet. I remember the anger, the fury, the desperation. Just let me die. I remember the fear. Fear of dying. Fear of being alive. I remember the acceptance. I'm dying. I remember the surreal going through the motions, doing things that would keep me alive, whether or not I wanted to. I remember the lazy half smile, looking into someone's eyes I loved. Hey, you. I remember joking, gallows humor. I remember laughing. I remember crying. I remember being too tired to know my own mind. My reactions to dying, exist outside of time somehow. They stay with me.

I spent years after that, playing with death. Pushing myself harder. Putting myself in more and more dangerous situations. Daring death. C'mon motherf*cker. Now? Try me.

Grateful? Yes. I am very grateful to be alive. Right now. In this moment.

Grateful? No. I have not always been grateful to be alive. I've been furious, scared, irritated, annoyed, afraid, resentful, hurt, confused, ashamed, and so many things at being alive. I undoubtedly will be, again.

And all of those things also for not making more of my life. I got a second chance. And what am I doing with it?

I suppose it makes sense, that if every time I died I felt differently about it, that every day I live I might feel differently about living, too. Life is a lot more complicated than death, afterall.

 

[JB415]

I recently had a near-death experience as a pedestrian in a car accident, and I often have similar thoughts. I find that any time my mind wanders to thoughts of my near-death, I think to myself "So what if you had died? What would be the f*cking difference?" Particularly with the temporary immobility caused by the accident, I find that I bully myself over my own sense of worthlessness. It's a bad habit. And I try my best to approach it that way. It's something I'm struggling with right now, but I feel hopeful that I'll get past it.

In conversations about the accident, I often find myself expressing a sense of gratitude that only sometimes feels authentic. In reality, life is frustrating as hell. I question my own lack of gratitude, but as I write this I'm realizing that there are moments when I feel grateful or happy, but I don't identify them as such in the moment. They just feel like a good moment - a funny joke or a nice walk. While I can't identify with the depth of tragedy that the original poster went through, I do really identify with these feelings. It's so hard. I hope it gets easier.

 

[OneToughCookie]

Whatever you're not feeling is OK.

I talked to my Grandma about how I was feeling hopeless, and she suggested I be thankful for what I have. The thing is, I make a gratitude list daily, but it's an intellectual exercise and I don't feel the gratitude. My lack of feelings are just a PTSD symptom. You're plenty grateful. Children don't consent to be born and endure years of suffering. Sometimes I'm really pissed that my parents had me since they were entirely inadequate, now I live a life of suffering, but I can't kill myself because it will traumatize others and leave the world a worse place. It's not a psychologically adaptive thought, but its the way my mind spun it.

You are so much more than just your thoughts. While you may be capable of changing your thoughts if you recognize a pattern and their triggers, if you're too fatigued and recovering, you can acknowledge they've been caused by the trauma and don't need to be taken seriously. Shoulds don't apply - your inner critic is just trying to convince you you're "ungrateful". Tell it to back off and ask for a kinder dialogue.

Good feelings don't outweigh pain. Compare the intensity of joy the lion feels to the pain its prey experiences. But, there's a good side to pain; we feel pain as a signal it's OK to move away toward pleasure, so my recommendation would be to go for at least one experience of pleasure for every painful one. Massages, volunteering, warm showers, a comedy special, meeting a goal, yoga, just get started and savor every memory of good "gravy" time when the pain comes back.

I have "Complex" PTSD from trauma that spanned 20 years, and I just experienced pleasure while drawing (something I've done my whole life) for the first time yesterday. It can get better and the surprises keep me here. And it does matter that you're here. Hearing that you share my experiences makes me feel less alone, and your life has a positive "rippling" effect on more people than we can know.

 

[StellaBlue]

I stand in the shower, sometimes, and wonder if I have died. If all of this life is just the last few seconds stretched out into an eternity, like a dream where time makes no difference. I've lived lifetimes in my dreams before. What if this life is no different? And at any moment I might just wake up? If that's why so often my past and my present mix up. Or maybe this is heaven. Hell. Purgatory. Elysium. The shack outside Valhalla. Some version of an afterlife. Or if I'm in a hospital in a coma. Or?

Good lord. I stand in the shower and wonder if I can get that last bit of shampoo out of the bottle. :)

 

[StellaBlue]

Possibly you are comparing what you have heard and read of others with near death experiances feel after not dying.

I think there is this idea, perpetuated by the media and entertainment, that when folks have a near-death experience they bounce back with a sort of hyper, "oh my god, I'm so grateful to be alive" attitude. And I think that puts a huge burden on those folks. My own experience was not terribly dramatic - I came very close to dying from chemotherapy (but without it, the cancer would have killed me). I already had PTSD, so my denial skills were pretty well established - this just seemed to be another "thing" to deal with. But there seemed to be an expectation from others that I be some sort of inspiration for "surviving"...that I stay upbeat and grateful...I even had an acquaintance ask me what "gifts" cancer had given me.

I know I am not near grateful enough to be alive, and I shouldn't think that it would be better if I died when I get down.

What is "grateful enough"? If there are days that you are grateful - good. If there are days you aren't - that's ok too.

 

[Stickler]

I suicidally ideate a lot...since the ideation has really been going on since '09, it just happens...some of my ideas are more than a bit Rube Goldberg-esque at this point.
Not going to act on it, if I get close to that I will trot my not-so-happy ass to the psych ER.
They have nice juice cups there and give you socks. :)