Threatened By Feeling Alive

[Deleted member 20978]

Amen to all that. I feel like I'm avoiding the rest of the world in some not small part so as to not bother the rest of the world. Don't want to upset it. Thanks, Mom!

Sorry I have nothing useful to say here.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

more aware of her feelings and needs than my own, all the time.

There was that aspect. An uncle visited, my mom's brother. And again as I was just about a teen.

 

[Rumors]

I am always amazed at how aware I am of how everyone else in a room is feeling but I couldn't tell you what the hell I am thinking or feeling from minute to minute sometimes. Not only am I acutely aware of everyone else's needs, I am also ready to tend to their needs. However, at times I find it hard to take care of myself. It is all so confusing!!!! Lol.

 

[Chava]

amazed at how aware I am of how everyone else in a room is feeling but I couldn't tell you what the hell I am thinking or feeling

Yes, me too. The personal needs have been extremely confusing because of the whole regulation piece with not having grown up with good tools. So like, "I need to knock myself out" (and sometimes that felt very true...but the need is to deescalate or something else...takes so long to sort out).

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes +++ to post from @Rumors above. That is so.

ETA, I guess that is what surprises me, as they always say don't mind read others. But I always had to, or chose to, or wanted to, & it's not mind-reading it's body-mind-heart-soul reading which is so glaringly obvious.

But ask me what I feel, & it's who knows, why would you ask, what does it even matter? It doesn't occur to me.

 

[Rumors]

@Junebug
I completely understand. Sometimes being able to scan the room was survival for me. If I came upon my dad and he was drunk, I knew I needed to split. If my mom was upset I needed to hang and protect her. Sometimes I intentionally said something to him so that his focus was on me. Sometimes I needed to just be seen and not heard. I had no regard for how this effected me at all and I spent little time even thinking about it.
@Chava. Good thread. I'm all messed up now, but good thread. Lol.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Rumors , me too, 100% exactly, family, bf's, everyone. My mom said I used to do it when I was only 1 or 2 years old up, but I don't recall that. I have to do it now, too. I was just wondering tonight due to current circumstances/ people here what I 'should' do for the next few days. But I'm too tired to do what I know from experience I 'should', & that is disconcerting, because avoidance would be helpful (to split). And yes it is based on survival.

Sometimes I wonder if we have much trouble with the ptsd in our 30's/ 40's because we don't have the same energy (due to age, injury, illness, tiredness etc) to employ what we did in the past? (Even if it was draining in and of itself)?

Not sure of the words, but sometimes I just feel like a chameleon or superficially kind of 'hovering presence' in a room- too busy scanning & recalibrating requirements & needs that I feel like I'm not or can't be even truly functionally engaged in just 'living'. But to give tht up or ignore it is a) nearly impossible & b) threatening, as @Chava said.

I'm all messed up now, but good thread. Lol

Lol me too. :p:confused: :roflmao::hug:

 

[Rumors]

Yeah, I feel like James Bond when entering a room quite honestly. I don't think I can ever give that up because just like Bond, it is usually a feeling of life or death (even though it isn't really).

Sometime, and I don't want to hijack Chava's thread, but maybe someone could explain "splitting" to me. I'm not sure I fully understand. And, yes being in my mid 40's proves difficult in that I have much less energy for hyper vigilance.

 

[Born to Run]

Small sidenote: I drew less attention to myself as a kid through being semi-invisible

I am not sure, but I wonder how much truth is in this sidenote. Making oneself semi-invisible or totally invisible -me- is an active attempt to not showing aliveness. Therefore I see your post from a slightly different perspective and more coming from this process of invisibility and less coming from the safety of knowing how it is to be in survival mode in general. My therapist calls my current process coming out of immobility of a life of invisibility. Becoming visible is a change in every aspect of my life and identity that cause a lot of fear in me. It is not the aliveness itself, but the visibility. Suddenly I am becoming a person that never was before, with my own voice, my own choices, not that this is all in place yet, far from it, but it is unknown territory to show up as the real authentic me, and is very scary as in the past none of this was supported. It is like finding a whole new base layer of authentic being to replace to base layer of invisibility or non being.

 

[Chava]

Becoming visible is a change in every aspect of my life and identity that cause a lot of fear in me. It is not the aliveness itself, but the visibility.

Good point. I'd say it's both for me, and yes, I see how they are a little different. Visibility: freaked out by attention, recognition, etc. and it's not based out of shyness. It's accompanied by a dread of having to "be" a person to others...something like that. But all on my own, in hiding from the world, I still feel the threat of my energy if I'm not in pain or suffering. Feeling "good" is an energy I don't know how to handle well. Yes, new territory. Plus something about my defenses actually being more in my invisible, still, quiet, tense self-protection. I don't feel it when I have energy, even if there should be "fight" energy or other defenses...just feel like I'll get myself into some kind of trouble.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, sort of that it feels ~'wrong' @Chava ? :(

And yes it is based on survival.

Sorry I meant to come back & fix this..even abuse or assault or sexual assault (risk, not severe ), bad situations, etc, is not 'survival' just what is is (to be avoided, but not life threatening).

 

[Go Hungry]

I used to experience this, a long time ago... A feeling like... everything was so bad, for so long, that if I allowed myself to be happy just one slight little bit, then someone would destroy me. It was kinda based in fact too, because if my primary abuser ever caught me being too happy, or taking pride in something, he would immediately destroy it and beat me into the ground. Same happened at school too. So I just learned to hide any happiness deep inside, or at the very most, express it when no human-scum were around.. (Lol, that was actually my term for the human race, at one point). They take so goddamn much from us.

Eventually though, I did learn to be happy, or at least have fun. They aren't exactly the same thing, but one leads to another. When I gave up on life as an absurd joke, an utter farce... That's when things started to get better, just a little at a time. I'm not suggesting anybody do this, precisely, but... there is a certain freedom in just declaring that "Life is shit, might as well have fun." There is no escape from life... but.. for just a moment, to have a drop of fun, every once in a while. It "trains" you on how to enjoy life. It's like... baby steps.. just a tiny exposure helps you to feel comfortable with happiness over the course of time. Yes, the sky will fall. Yes, the horror will return. Yes, all your problems will still be there.. Later.

In the meantime though.. you'll be a king.