Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

[KwanYingirl]

When I woke up at 3am as usual, I decided to get up and drive to LL Bean to return a coat. I bought it online, and it was so itchy, I knew it had to go back. Shipping wiuld be expensive, but driving to Freeport is easy except it’s Christmas time and the place is a mob scene. Not only that but the clothing offgasses formaldehyde and it makes me sick. So 3am, they’re open 24 hours a day. I figured I’d have the place to myself. In and out quick. And I was the only one there. It was very strange to be there all alone. Of course, I panicked when I realized how f*cking vulnerable these employees are to a criminal. The place was a ghost town. Returned the coat and went home and back to bed. I was back home by 5:30. Who were the people on the highway and where were they headed? So even insomnia has a silver lining.

My wound is not healing. I guess if anyone reads this they’ll understand how frantic I’ve been thinking about that guys bacteria and sweat and laundry soap residue attacking my body. All my adult life I’ve worked in medicine. I have been peed on, puked on, much bled on, sputum wads flying towards me. It comes with the job. It’s normal. Fill out an incident report in case you come down with hepC or hiv. This was different. My infection control failed. And the guy is so difficult to work on. He can’t stand any pain at all. I want to tell him to butch up, women put up with much worse, so just stop being a prima donna.

I’m just about ready to quit working and go into a trauma center to really be in a safe place. Of course, it wouldn’t really be safe because of the chemicals and the toxic detergent everything is eased in. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be safe at all damn it.

I’m hopelessly stuck with this particular memory that belongs to a little girl. She’s not me. She is not a part of me. She is knocking at my soul. Let me out, hold me, comfort me, love me. Make sense of this. I just slice these parts off me as if carving a turkey. Then I put someone else’s skin on me. The good student, the gifted musician, the hardest worker. Even during the two years I did so much Crystal meth and LSD, I only weighed 80 pounds. No one noticed me dying right there in front of them. It was a game I played with my parents. Look at what I can get away with. Bring home good grades and they leave you alone. Just disappear. Hey, it worked better than cutting, the High was so intense I couldn’t live without it. And then it was time to go to college and get the hell out of that house, and just like that, I put drugs down and picked up alcohol. That love affair lasted and intensified after I got strangled, then I ran away to aeurope to get over that and ended up being drugged and kidnapped. That was it. If I had to live a life that is so beaten down, then I don’t want to remember it. Hell this is a bad time of year for me. I don’t stop remembering.

Listen to the wind, it talks.
Listen to the silence, it speaks.
Listen to your heart, it knows.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My short term memory is shot. So is my long term memory. I gave up music theory lessons because I couldn’t memorize the concepts. It’s harder than calculus. Usually using my brain improves my functioning. I like to learn. I am curious. In my defense, my guitar teacher is a drug addict with a masters from Berklee and a PhD from New England Conservatory. He can’t hold a job. He’s a genius. I have pretty good skill on guitar that I self taught myself. I can play piano and flute, neither which I own anymore. I want to learn how to flatpick which requires complete knowledge of the modes. He is so brilliant he just sees the scale and can play anything with frets. I’d ask him to give me small amounts of information, but he thought I could handle it. But I can’t. He couldn’t teach me the modes. Plus he was always whacked out on Adderall behaving like a speed freak. My psychiatrist told me Adderall would help me learn the scales, but with my history of crystal meth abuse, I don’t think I should tempt fate. It’s rare for women to learn flatpicking, but I want to play banjo, too and the skills would transfer. It became impossible to deal with Greg so I searched home advisor for guitar teachers and the next thing I know he texted me that he knows I am looking for a new teacher. Totally freaked me out. Fired him and blocked him on my phone. So I did find a guy that appears normal. He owns a house, teaches music in a high school and teaches on the side. He told me he can help me with the theory. But shit I can’t remember what I’ve previously mastered.of course if I had more than an hour a day to practice, it would help. I can’t afford it right now anyway. I just open tune my guitar and try to practice scales. Mastering scales is fundemental in learning any instrument.

I told my daughter I would write a song for her wedding. Struggling with the lyrics. First of all, I eloped and had a non participating partner, so I’m not one to speak of devotion and love. I come up with lines, but of course I forget to write them down and they evaporate. Also, I can’t stand being watched, so I don’t really want to perform at her wedding. In the end, I can’t predict what the air quality will be at this camp in Pennsylvania where she’s throwing a 3 day party. There are bunk rooms for guests to stay in, but I’m not sleeping in a room with 12 other people most of who will be shitfaced. Since I don’t drink, I think I’ll get a room in an Inn nearby. They’re going to have a fire all evening which will make me sick. I’m just going to disappear. Really don’t care to hang out with drunk people.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I googled “why do men abuse their family” after seeing a news story about the arrest of a guy who violated a protection order. He had a long history of domestic abuse towards his wife and children. He refused to allow a doctor to care for his 2 year old daughter and she died, but he was never charged with a crime.

One article I read was written by the director of a clinic treating domestic abusers. While power and control are determinants, she also stated that these people are unable to tolerate hurt feelings, sense of entitlement, history of been abused as a child. Substance abuse exarbated the intensity of their severity of abusing their family.

Some abusers know that hitting, threatening bodily harm is wrong, if they stop that, they turn to seething silent rage which causes their partner to live in constant fear.

I can’t tolerate having my feelings hurt, so I was worried that I am an abuser. So that’s what I asked my therapist today. I’m a recovering alcoholic and I remember taking my children to a therapist when I got sober to see what damage I did to them. They were 8 and 10 when I got sober. She met with them weekly for a month and she told me they were well adjusted. How can that be? I know I endangered them because I drank and drove, one night I passed out and had closed the wood stove down too much and when my ex came home from work at midnight, the house was full of smoke. I feel ashamed of that and I admitted that. Once we were at a cookout and I drank too late and should’ve left way before the evening. My son was on a swing and he fell off and broke his elbow. I feel responsible for that. When I took him to the emergency room, I must’ve smelled like beer. I mean I’d been drinking all day. But no one called me on that and they gave him a cast and released us. I should not have been driving.

I drank because of anxiety. I over drank because I’m an alcoholic and once I had my first drink of a day, I drank until I fell asleep. I had tried to quit so many times. The anxiety was crippling and when my daughter got to the age I was when I started being sexually abused (4 years old), I fell apart. I sufferered from bizarre ailments that I finally figured out they were body memories of abuse that were triggered by being afraid that someone would abuse my daughter. At the time, I was clueless to what was really going on in my mind and body. I just thought it was alcohol related. And I felt like I was going to snap and hurt my children. Fortunately, I never hit them or called them names. I had a strong motherly bond with my kids and I think they were the reason I quit drinking. I did not want to hurt them. I was a force protector and advocate for my son, who is dyslexic and I had to move mountains to get help for him. Now he’s 35 and an alcoholic. He is extremely abusive when he’s drunk. I have called him on the carpet, but it’s futile. He hasn’t lost anything but my respect. So it’s hard to be with him because he claims I was the worst mother in the world, blah, blah. I get to spend Xmas eve with him. Oh joy to the world.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yikes. Next week the temperature here will be around 10 degrees for a few days. Meanwhile it is snowing today and tomorrow with ice. The day before Xmas I will drive to my sons and eat Chinese food and open presents. I got them a really nice butcher block carving board plus some fancy grilling sauces. He will be happy that I didn’t buy him a book. He lives in a quaint New England town. If I hadn’t thrown out my snowshoes, we’d be able to take a hike. They were old and the bindings didn’t hold my modern boots. I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Four seasons. No wildfires or tornados or black widow spiders and rattlesnakes. Oceans and lakes and meadows and mountains. Boston.

Found a solution to my guitar lessons. I joined an online lesson company that has excellent teachers and you can pick and choose who you want to watch. I did my first lesson today and already I learned more than after 6 months with whacko genius guy. Since I’m snowed in, I’ve been practicing all day. It always elevates my mood. I want to learn flatpicking. All I knew before was folk fingerstyle which is ok, but I’m listening to mostly bluegrass and besides, girls don’t learn flatpicking which makes me more determined than ever. With bluegrass, tempo is everything. Right now my dexterity in my left hand is about a 3 on a scale from 1-10. I can’t even type. But I do play flute but not anymore and that was complicated. I can do this. Of course it’s all one big excuse to cancel my plan to overcome my phobia of the woods. Maybe next year. I get flooded thinking about it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am in serious debt. I have maxed out all my credit cards and I can’t pay them. I can’t go bankrupt because I don’t claim all the money I make. Yet the money is in my bank account. So every 6 months I get overwhelmed by how much debt I have. Then I take a honest look at what I spend and how much money I blow on clothing and random crap I don’t need. I have a pathological spending habit that started a few years ago. Somehow I have to settle my debt and I think my only option is to sell my condo and use my equity to pay off my debt. But then where do I live? My credit sucks no one will rent to me. I have applied for subsidized housing. If they qualify me it will be about 3 years for a unit. So when I find out if I can go on the waiting list then I will hopefully not get taken off it by my bad credit. If I can stop overspending I can make a huge dent in my debt. I know I shop online when I’m dissociative I don’t need anymore shoes. What a sicko. My most important thing right now is to help my daughter pay for her wedding photographer and her bridal shower. I’m going to use my diary to try and get out my anxiety that I treat by buying stuff I don’t need. I’m so isolated. I don’t understand why I cant stop overspending.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have everything I need. I will owe taxes. Annie needs her shots in February my daughters shower is in April which is also the due date for the photographer. After the wedding I only have to pay down my debt as best I can. Like seriously stop shopping. I’m bored. My chemical sensitivity robs me of a social life, I’m lonely. I will try to divert the energy I spend on shopping online to practicing guitar. I will try to unsubscribe from all the stores that email me sale alerts.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Starting today and one day at a time. Today I will not spend any money. I will see a movie tonight and I have gift certificates a few clients gave me for Xmas.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I spent $9.50 today for popcorn and a small root beer. I had a pass for the movie “Ladybird”. It was playing in Portland. It’s 9 degrees out and there were still lots of people walking around the city. We figured they were mostly tourists who’ve come to Portland for New Years. The movie was really good. The theatre was full of people. That was a surprise.

I can do this. I can overcome my shopaholic behavior. Last week I asked my therapist if I could overcome my phobias. I have so many, I don’t know where to start. He said to write them down and bring in the list. All I have to do is write them down. Well, that’s not easy at all. First I had to look up the definition of a phobia, just in case I misinterpret my fears. Then I feel like I should categorize them, comment on them, analyze them. Christ, all he asked me to do is just write them down and I go off like it’s a research project. I overthink everything it’s ridiculous.

“We cannot see ourselves in running water. It is only in stillness that we can see. The same is true for the mind.”-unknown

“Sometimes it’s not the fight against your demons that matters, but the willingness to look for hope of what can be without them”-unknown

 

[KwanYingirl]

Today my daughter and her fiancé came for a belated Xmas get together. I spent $44.00 for pizza which the leftovers will feed me for two more days. Then we were discussing guitar strings and my daughter uses flat electric guitar strings on her acoustic guitar., I looked it up on Amazon and stopped myself from ordering them. I just changed my strings and I won’t need to change again for a couple of months. It just goes to show that I’m impulsive. I also decided to stop taking the turnpike to work and back twice a day. That will save me $80/month.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It’s Jan 1, 2018 and I’ve been awake since 1:30am. My sleep cycle is totally f*cked up. First of all, I caught myself making a shopping list to go to Target. I don’t NEED anything on the list. But see, I’m whacked out of my sleep cycle which happens every month. It can’t be hormonal, I’m 63. I buy a lot of shit when I’ve awoken and I have nothing to do in the middle of the night. OK, so now I’ve named the problem, I’ve claimed ownership of it, now I can DUMP it. I learned that ditty in AA when I was working the steps. Why the hell am I waking up after only a few hours of sleep? In therapy I have expressed the desire to face my phobias, but I keep changing the subject, going off on tangents, avoid, avoid. But subconsciously I’m obsessing about it. I feel like I’m even worse mental health wise than I was 10 years ago. I cancel appointments with my massafe therapist and my Shaman. I am wanting to cancel tomorrow and blame it on the driving f*cking weather outside. Stop interfering with your treatment KYG, just f*cking stop it. Just walk into therapy tomorrow and tell Adam the worst memories of rape and humiliation that I flash on constantly. Just tell it goddamnit. Why can I discuss other rapes and traumas I’ve survived, but not that one. Maybe it isn’t even true. Maybe I imagined it. Lies I tell myself to delay disclosure. I’ve got good insurance this year. Use it. If I fall completely apart, then go to therapy twice a week. Stop wasting therapy time with funny memories of my Children’s life and how fun it was to raise them in the woods without running water. It was so serene, so primal, I was hiding my kids from my family. Having an outhouse is a surefire way to keep People away. Family people especially. Haven’t spoken to any of my siblings for months. They’ll all be at Kelsey’s wedding. Fortunately they are going to get a Talking Heads tribute band, and I have a brother in law who is very entertaining and he leads a carefree life playing in bands. His voice is not very good. He sings flat and nasal. Who cares he’s a riot. But I am off my point. See how easy I can do that? Ugh! Now I can’t remember my point. Oh yeah, wasting time in therapy. How did I become less willing to have a social life.

I’m working on a serious budget. I’ve written down who I’m paying what to for all my monthly.bills. Then I added up what my income will be for the month and the difference is that I’ll end the month with a $1,000 profit. In just one month of being mindful I can pay the wedding photographer. Then the next month I can pay for her bridal shower. Yes I can do it. And I’m going to give her a great shower. Rustic theme , wooden boxes, Mason jars for vases. I found an online grower who will succulents wholesale. They come in several species. So I’m using that for shower favors and plants match well with a rustic vibe. There will be a Mimosa bar overnight French toast, quiches, best chicken salad for finger sandwiches , fruit salad and desserts. And I refuse to use plastic utensils and paper plates, not to mention plastic champagne glasses. I’m going to rent nice china and glass flutes and cloth napkins and real tableware.and lots of her favorite flowers to place around the tables. Best part of renting real dinnerware? You return it dirty and they clean them!! You can do this KYG. You have everything you need and you need to clean out clothes that don’t fit or the look crappy on me. Cutting my wardrobe by half. I’ll tackle that this afternoon. That’s a good frozen solid world project with minimal effort.
Now back to my mental heath. I am a hostage of my old life of memories. I don’t know what will happen but I’ll try to stay on topic and let my therapist do the talking.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Got a good nights sleep last night. So, yes, it’s possible that I can continue to sleep well. Spent $18 on a food bowl for Annie. I broke her old one. Just tripped over it and it smashed. Paid 2 bills. On schedule to pay my bills on time so I don’t get late fees. Fell asleep and missed my massage. Now off to a Shaman for some healing and insight.

 

[KwanYingirl]

2:30am and wide awake. Haven’t bought anything. I recall having put some things in a cart, but I didn’t checkout and I have no recollection of what site it is. My accountant sent an email out to his clients. We have to pay in full before he’ll do my taxes. He’s also enacted a “ procrastination penalty”. Ugh