Tick Is What I Call It

[Deleted member 28845]

I think Flashback is such a politically incorrect word. I like to say that I was "ticking" at the time. Or I say, "I was flashing." No one understands our thing. Usually it's, Derek, you're just a loser that needs to get his shit together. What's even worse is when people don't believe that this is a REAL medical condition. Even more worse, when you lose jobs because of it, and they tell you how much more of a loser you are.
I have too much pride to collect disability for it. I like having my own house, my fortress of solitude, in a nice neighborhood. But why the f@ck do people, family especially, not recognize that this is something we pretty much can't do much about?
"You need to do this, do that, you can't drink, blah blah"
It makes me "tick" when they act like that. Feel like I'm being attacked.

 

[Philippa]

I've had that even from a mother whose son has it and she gives him full props for being open about it, but somehow I'm using it as an excuse to not be a professional artist or plan for my future?

It's great you have your own house though. I love coming home to my bungalow and leaving the world behind. It's my sanctuary and I have made it as beautiful and comfortable as possible.

I felt the same way about going on disability initially. That was years ago and I might have been able to have a speedier recovery if I'd just swallowed my pride and got some help paying for therapy instead of roughing it.

 

[TLight]

I agree with Philippa. I don't think I'd have gone through so much hell as I did had I let go of my pride and pursued disability sooner. I'm only disabled as society defines it, I cannot 'work' as others do. However, I'm very abled in other ways and I'm sure you are too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you see that you're talking out of both sides of your mouth? By saying you refuse to go on disability you send the LOUD message that you don't need it, yet you are mad that people don't take you seriously. Honestly, if you have a "choice" about going on disability, one could make the argument that you don't really need it. I don't regret going on disability for one minute. I've even had other sufferers say that they envy me because I get to work on my healing 24/7 while they have to focus on other things.

 

[Philippa]

@TLight...I'm quite sure I would not have had to go through as much either, but then that would have meant breaking out of the bad habit of being so hard on myself. Having compassion for everyone else except me...can't have that. No, I had to punish myself as much as possible and prove how strong I was so I didn't feel weak.

Having a family that despised people on the dole and thought I was faking it to get out of work didn't help matters...because, you know, it's all about work. Suicidal? Forget it..".just work ya lazy bum!" That's what life is all about and what is most important...working! :(

 

[Philippa]

I don't regret going on disability for one minute. I've even had other sufferers say that they envy me because I get to work on my healing 24/7 while they have to focus on other things.

I kinda did this, though I didn't apply for disability...just what is called Newstart allowance here. It's an allowance they pay you to look for work. I was on it for 4 years and it is half as much as what they pay people on disability. It was my compromise to admitting I needed to be on disability...which I couldn't admit to myself for many years after I was officially diagnosed.

I did focus on my recovery and painted etc. I made a lot of progress, but I was also so sick I creeped everyone around me out. My housemates were all happy and excited about life and I was like a dark cloud hovering around and hiding in her room so as not to infect everyone with my sadness and weird behaviour. I saw free counsellors as much as possible, and had the sessions with centrelink appointed psychologists/counsellors, which helped me wean off meds, so it all helped, but I think disability would have helped me afford my own space to live in so I didn't have to damage myself more living with people who didn't understand and bullied me because I was strange to them.

Now, all I want to do is concentrate on rest and recovery of new accrued trauma from the last year, instead of constantly chasing money to pay rent and bills...which feels so pointless and stupid at times, and it's damn exhausting as well. I just need to paint and paint and keep painting for a long time and just really rest.

 

[TLight]

Yes, my family was the same way. If you weren't a Phd, engineer, or had some high status high paying job, you were worthless. That was many many years of struggle for me to admit that life isn't about that at all. I did all that, got my Masters, worked through ptsd, suffered horribly, hated it all.......never made a choice for me. Just did what I was beaten to do. Still fight that, 'you need to get a job, you loser' stuff in my head. None of it ever turned out good. THEY WERE WRONG!

I paint now too. I'm on disability, I write resumes, etc for a little extra money, and I PAINT PAINT PAINT.

You are on the right track with this thinking.......my advice. Stay on it. It is your soul talking to you, and if you ignore it, you won't end up in any place good and will want to die. So, the choices are....DIE or PAINT!