Timing Couldn't Be Any Worse

[jojolove]

My last post was based on my relationship and how it has failed, and how my boyfriend no longer wants to be with me. He broke up with me the day I was diagnosed. I still love him, and I am still living with him. The situation is extremely hard because I know that he is burnt out and done. I have been going to therapy and I notice that it is helping me. I now think before I lash out or have meltdowns.

I recently also just found out that I was pregnant. The timing couldn't be any worse. But I also know that this baby was created while we were still together and not broken up. His family accuses me of lying and keep harassing me to get an abortion. I know I have some important decisions to make. He also told me that if I decide to keep this baby, than he wants to be a great dad but there is nothing left for us. He will not help me during these 9 months of pregnancy and will only take 50/50 custody when the baby is born. Legally those are his rights.

I feel lost, torn, and confused. I want to leave our home because I know that we both need the space. But being pregnant and alone I know will be extremely hard and difficult. I talked to my therapist about the situation and she is shocked. I think the people that know are lost for words right now. Not only is having PTSD tough, but now my hormones are making me cry all the time and randomly. I don't know what to do. I know that I love myself enough to not hurt myself, but I can't help but feel that I'd rather be dead sometimes.

 

[Tanishq]

@jojolove I wish I had something helpful to say. Sending you best wishes to work out this, it sounds very tough situation there. Hang in there, believe in yourself. :hug: Sending you a hug, if you need at the moment and accept it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If he doesn't wish to be around, you have the option to make him leave. To heck with him. If he can't be supportive, then he should be silent.

You do what you know in your heart and mind is right for you and your baby. His family has no right to say anything about your decision. Contact your local Planned Parenthood. They offer great counseling and have the numbers for resources available to help you with things like food assistance, housing, diapers, etc. should you decide to keep your baby.

Whatever you decide, you are the one who will be living with that decision so make sure it's right for you, without apology. They don't have to like it.

Your local La Leche league can also be a source of profound support for how to manage caring for a baby. Also, a local feminist group often has resources and numbers for assistance for women dealing with an unsupported pregnancy then parenting.

Your situation isn't uncommon, nor hopeless. You have many options open to you. Keep writing and sharing. You will get through this, and you are not alone.

Sending you some (((((hugs))))), if you are ok with those.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You are right. Bad timing. My first child was unexpected and we were living without running water or electricity while my now ex built the house. It meant I had to quit my job because there were no such things as day cares plus due to my childhood abuse there was NO WAY I ever left them with anybody. We were dirt poor without me working. I had no support from my family and I was terrified. But kids come when they do for a reason. You may decide to keep it or terminate or adopt out. It's a heavy load I know. Lots of tears and the hormones exaggerate everything. Hold on to your recovery. Without that, you're screwed. You are number one here. Babies are a lot easier than you think, especially if you nurse them. I mean, it's the best food and it's FREE! I met my BFF when I was pregnant she has supported me for 33 years. All through my alcoholism, my divorce, a bad chemical injury, a dyslexic child. My ex paid for stuff but he was not a good father. Getting pregnant was a shock, but ultimately it saved my life because I quit drinking and smoking. I am a great mom and I loved everything and every phase they went through. Yes we were poor but my kids grew up in the country with lots of hikes and nature and swimming. They both finished college and have excellent jobs and wonderful partners. They grew with love, not abuse. If you wonder if you can do it alone I say yes you can. I did and I was determined to do it right. Your boyfriend may be required to pay child support. Every state has it's own laws about that. You don't have to be rich to raise a happy well adjusted child. In fact too much money spent on them makes them stingy. I'm glad you have a therapist. I wish you well and trust you will handle it to the best of your ability.
Congrats if you want it!

 

[jojolove]

Thank you for all the information and kind replies. I know everything is easier said than done. I just wish his love for me was unconditional like mine is for him. I know that I have a few more weeks to make a decision. And everything is easier said than done. I accept all your hugs.

 

[Tanishq]

I hear you. Yes, I know it is easier said than done. I want to let you know this fact: You can make the right decision.

You got this forum for your support. Thank you for accepting my hug, I am glad to be helpful.

 

[Samantha_38]

Being pregnant with PTSD is really tough. I know everyone reacts differently, but for the most part its incredibly hard for anyone with PTSD to handle. I am the victim of multiple sexual assaults, so that made mine extremely rough too. The shear hormones and emotion running through you during pregnancy is enough to make "normal" people do crazy things, and it's just that much worse with PTSD.

You are going to need all the support you can get during your pregnancy, and it does not get any easier once the baby is born. It's hard to say what your living situation should or shouldn't be. It is possible to get space, while living together in certain situations, but it can also be impossible in others. I would start ignoring his family right away and just worry about what's best for you and your baby, and if he wants to be a part of it try figuring it out with him what exactly that means.

From experience of myself and others I know very well, I can say that pregnancy and babies don't hit guys in the same way or as quickly as it does to the mom carrying the child, at least not in my experience. That's not to say dad's can't be loving right from the start, but it's still different. It isn't probably as real for him as it is for you at this point, and it may not be until well after your child is born or ever. It's really tough to get through. He may completely change his outlook on you and the baby as the birth gets closer, or even after it's born. He may change his mind back and forth several times for years to come. He's probably confused too.

I don't have much advice on how to get through it, other than just keep holding on and when you need to make tough decisions do what's right for your baby and then what's right for you next. You can't worry about him or anyone else at this point, and you'll only cause yourself more pain if you attempt to make a decision that works for everyone. There isn't one, ever, even if you have the support of everyone involved you'll always be going against what someone wants you to do. It's hard to start thinking that way, especially if its been ingrained into you that your opinions and feelings don't matter as many of us with PTSD have had done, but you have to basically be selfish for your baby and yourself and put both of your needs first, it's the only way you'll ever be happy with yourself as a parent and for the rest of your life a large part of your self-image will be "I'm a parent."

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with the others that you should put yourself and your baby first. And to be able to get through this, you will need a lot of support: financial and emotional. One thing that is obvious to me is that you must not expect any support from your ex. In fact, I believe that having him around, no matter how much you love him, is doing you much more harm than good. You are already hurting so bad - continuing to live with him is going to break you apart, even if you weren't pregnant.

I know it seems the easiest way to stay with him, but believe me, you will end up regretting it if you do. It's not worth it.

I am very sorry you're going through this. I hope you will be surrounded with good people all the time, no matter what your decision will be. You deserve that. And I'm sure you will choose what is best for you and perhaps your baby.

Wishing you the best in these difficult times. :hug:

 

[jojolove]

Thank you everyone. It means a lot that I have you guys to give me advice and support through a difficult time.