To Kill A Dyingbird

[Rani G2]

Your post pixel makes me think of Death in general. Not easy....

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the biggest thing is that you weren't setting out to hurt it, but to stop it's hurting. :(

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I don't have a whole lot to add, as I would just be repeating what others have said, especially @Ronin. Your reaction, the difficulty AND the ease? Normal, normal, normal. And the fact that it brings up other memories and complex emotions? Normal and completely understandable. Worrying that you are turning into a monster like a past abuser? Normal feeling, I can totally relate, but a cognitive distortion. When I am in a similar state, all I can do is remember to breathe, and try to counteract cognitive distortions with self-validation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok I feel nothing about killing it. But the decision to do it? Difficult.
Is that normal?

I have major experience killing animals. I also evetually didnt care what I was being forced to do and even did it willfully.

I have major guilt and self hatred over it. Its something thats extreme hard to work through.

I think the numbness is due to making yourself that way because of the pain. The emotions that are there are hard to face.

I think I feel numb and dont care that my mom died, i feel nothing. But I know better and know I have intense emotions that i cant allow myself to feel. Maybe you feel that way about the bird?

 

[joeylittle]

Ok I feel nothing about killing it. But the decision to do it? Difficult.
Is that normal?

I think so. It's the deciding that is more weighted, in my mind. Once the deciding is done, the action is just the action. I think that, if you had managed it poorly and caused distress in the animal, you'd possibly feel differently - but, you didn't.

Performing the action was only a result of the choice; making choices can be hard, but sometimes, following through is just that - following through.

In the context you were in - the animal was dying painfully, and very slowly - you were doing the right, not the wrong thing. As @Ronin said - that's a whole different galaxy from what your husband used to do. Your friend being there and being teary might have reinforced that old context somehow....still, it's not at all the same.

And, it's natural to have identification with easing a suffering creature out of its pain, when you're also having suicidal ideation yourself. But remember: you're not in the same kind of unrecoverable state, even though I know it feels that way.

My opinion is that you did a very good deed, a hard deed, and your whole reaction to it sounds healthy and appropriate.

 

[Sideways]

Killing the magpie stirred up recent feelings of Suicidal ideation

So, actually you've had really really...REALLY strong emotions about killing it. Just not in the Hollywood format you were expecting. Dbt would probably tell you that the "healthy" way to respond to those feelings would be like your mate - "This is sad, so I'm gonna get teary right here, right now".

Instead? Classic ptsd stuff. I'm gonna bottle up that emotion because it's waaaay too awful, and I'm gonna tell myself that I felt nothing. Much easier. Phew, thank god for emotional dysregulation!

Only later, seemingly for a completely different reason, "Oh, here's my brain turning to suicide...Can't be because of the magpie, because I'm sure I had no emotional response to that at all...":oops: