To "like" or not to like?

[anonymous]

Why don't you ask them? You'll never know otherwise. It's not like this site is full of narcassists...

It is a nice thought, but I am hesitant because of what was said, who said it, and because I am fairly convinced they, for whatever reason, really do not like me. I suppose it isnt so much about them as much as it is about me wondering how a person online, who does not even know me and has not interacted with me, can see that I'm not "good enough" and deserve whatever is handed out to me no matter how hard I try.

 

[LuckiLee]

I usually "like" something when I agree with it. Or sometimes to show support and to let the person know they were heard.

 

[anonymous]

I guess, generally, I put that down to people being reactive to something I've said for their own reasons. To me, I sense that I've hit a raw nerve for someone when that sort of thing happens. I know I've pissed some people off, not meaning to of course, but our issues have rubbed each other up the wrong way. One person and I mutual ignore each other. It's a mutual "dislike". I'm not really putting up with dislike. I'm learning to like myself after a lifetime of being treated hatefully by my SO's and now I have a lot of love and care in my life and that's all I accept, making up for all the hateful I copped for 37 years straight. So that's always an option, if you are feeling unreasonably disliked, ignoring them?

I'm feeling for you. I'm not good with being disliked anymore. It's like a chemical sensitivity, you know, when you've been poisoned and now any level of that toxin makes you react badly? I used to expect people to either ignore me or treat me badly, now I'm getting slightly used to being.liked and the other is just an overdose, the unreasonable kind, anyway. A lot of us might be like that, really sensitive in our own ways.

 

[Muttly]

ok, let's assume the worst for the moment and that the person doesn't like you. I get it's not comfortable to be disliked, but dislike is different than worthiness. And human beings are going to have likes and dislikes. To take it out of the personal realm for a moment, I despise green beans. They are a perfectly good food and many people like them. Me not I can't stand them. Does that mean green beans are bad? No. Does that mean I'm a bad person for disliking them? No. It's simply a personal preference.

Wanting everyone to like you, and trying to figure out why people *seem* to like or dislike you is a trap. It gets you stuck in judging yourself and others and doesn't allow you to be who you are. You end up going in circles questioning everything. I'm sorry if that's what you are doing. It's very painful.

I will also note that in general, I pay more attention to content than who I am responding too, or whose posts I'm liking. Often if you asked me whose post I just read, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I have also found that there were a few posters who early on, I found difficult that now I don't. That had less to do with me liking or disliking that person but where I and that poster are in our healing.

 

[anonymous]

It is really quite a stupid thing for me to be so upset by this. Logically, I know that this is an online stranger who really knows very very little about me and could care less if I fell off of the face of the earth, was deeply depressed, or having the time of my life. Logic and feelings, unfortunately do not always see eye to eye. I have asked myself for two months now why this person felt strongly enough about my, I shall call it "misfortune", to feel the need to "like" it. It almost seems equivalent to being beat up by the schoolyard bully, and while trying to compose oneself, the sidekick coming along and kicking you while you are down.

Again, I wish my emotions would simply follow my brain and realize this is not with obsessing over. So far, the emotions are not falling into line though.

I will say that it has caused me to pause and consider what I am trying to say and/or how it might make somebody feel when pressing the "like" button.

 

[mumstheword]

Keep in mind, sometimes people "like" as a quick way of sending you some kindness, like a hug. It's not meant as a vindictive thing. Can.you give them the benefit of the doubt?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I like stuff I agree with, or needs an acknowledgement that I heard them or because I've liked a lot of others' posts and I'm afraid they will think I don't like their post. I used to be so worried about upsetting people by not liking them, that I liked everyone, but sometimes in my newsfeed, someone else who does this will have 50 likes that I have to go through before I get to someone else. So then I stop liking everyone. I guess I don't have enough to worry about.

 

[Sideways]

It almost seems equivalent to being beat up by the schoolyard bully, and while trying to compose oneself, the sidekick coming along and kicking you while you are down.

This kind of self-talk is potentially inflating the issue for you, rather than helping. It’s actually not like being beaten up at school. You’re completely inflating the significance of the like button, what it means, how much thought goes into members deciding whether or not to like a post.

When you get beaten up, there’s no question that you’re being personally attacked. The like button not being ‘comfortable’ for you may have very little to do with you - that’s mind reading.

Your feelings are real, and valid. But they are feelings, not reality. Your value isn’t measured (at all) by any kind of validation you might get from a like button.

Perhaps try keeping this in context: this person not only doesn’t know you, but potentially lives a completely different life to you, in a completely different place, with different experiences, priorities, values... If they met you in real life, they might actually like you heaps. Or not. You’ll never actually know. Do you really need heir approval? Why? And to top it all off, you both have a serious mental illness that you’re contending with.

With the vast range of different personalities, and different lives, among the members, it is virtually impossible to be liked by everyone. Impossible. Humans just aren’t like that. And it’s actually more than just okay - it’s healthy. Recognising “I don’t like that person because....” helps you identify what you value, particularly when it comes to relationships.

What might perhaps be more valuable, is looking more closely at relationships here that do help you, that don’t feed your negative core beliefs, and whether those relationships might be worth nurturing.

This person, whoever they are - may not like you. For a whole host of reasons. And that’s okay. Not everyone is going to like you. And sometimes people are going to say hurtful things because of reasons that have nothing to do with you at all, that are simply a reflection of how symptomatic they are.

If you feel like you’re being bullied? Put the person on ignore. That way it doesn’t matter either way, yeah? This is a major distraction, being fed purely by cognitive distortions, that seems to achieve nothing but distress. So make the issue a non-issue, that’s why the Ignore button is there.

 

[Neverthesame]

I sense that I've hit a raw nerve for someone when that sort of thing happens. I know I've pissed some people off, not meaning to of course, but our issues have rubbed each other up the wrong way.

It happens.
Lord knows I've done it. Even when my intention was to be strictly positive or supportive.
My implied "tone" was not received the way I'd intended. It sounded great in my head when I hit the post button.
It was upon the very negative reaction I received from the recipient, that I saw how negatively it also be interpreted.

It made perfect sense either way, it was surprising to me only because I wasn't in a negative mindset when I wrote it.
Had I wanted to be negative I could have absolutely written the exact same thing.

Oops.

All I could do was apologise and clarify, then hope they reread it in the positive light I'd originally intended.

In the particular instance I'm referring to, they didn't.
I learned a valuable lesson. All I can do now is move on and try to be more careful with my wording in future.

Wanting everyone to like you, and trying to figure out why people *seem* to like or dislike you is a trap. It gets you stuck in judging yourself and others and doesn't allow you to be who you are.

Very true. I agree obsessing on this would be unhealthy.
Though I would challenge that looking at who likes what and why, can be useful for opening ones mind to different ideas.

There are people on this forum who over the years I have come to greatly respect, for various reasons such as academic knowledge or practical experience of a subject.
When I read something that I react to with a knee-jerk ->:rolleyes:<- Yet see that some of these members have hit the like button, I have learned to think "hmm. Maybe I need to slow down and rethink this. Maybe I'm having a cantankerous old man moment. Maybe I need to grow some empathy here. Or maybe not. But I am going to dig a little deeper before I dismiss this as silly."

I find the like button useful for this.
Though it is a double edged sword as the inherent cliquey nature of any social setting such as this, has the ability to close the mind as much as open it.

It is really quite a stupid thing for me to be so upset by this.

I don't think so.
We are a social species. Fitting in to a group is what our brains are wired to do. Being concious of whether or not we are doing it to our benefit or detriment, is a learned skill.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Ragdoll Circus, if they had a love button I would have pushed that. Or a "hear hear" button.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I used to be an overachiever and over-observer of sorts with the "like" button in several arenas...until I finally connected the energy draining effects I was feeling to whether or not there was a like or a reciprocal like. The strangers in each arena, even the ones I really enjoy sharing space and common interests with, have no real bearing on how my day actually goes, only my thoughts and actions can do that.

Choosing to be more social through a computer screen rather than in person, where I can actually see/hear/feel the tones as they're meant to be, automatically sets one up for misunderstanding/miscommunication/misinterpretation/etc....so I must take the wheel of my own train of thoughts to steer them in a more helpful direction rather than a more hurtful one. If I can't do that and if I get stuck in the ditch of deciding who does and doesn't like me, then I know it's time for less screen and more green.

 

[anonymous]

Different anon here

I am, quite frankly, sick of it and wish it didn't exist because to be honest it now seems very stupid and it annoys me even though I clicked like on tonnes of posts in the past

I remember ages ago someone new said they thought they joined a support forum, not a 'like' club, and it's a good point

Don't understand why the button is even there tbh

If you support someone why not type a quick message saying so, instead of clicking like?