To those who've been here over five years

[intothelight]

I've been here well over five years and during that time, I've had major traumas occur, on top of the prior ones, and this site has helped me get through many of these without returning to the bottom. I am better, so much better than when I came here. At this point, I use this site as a touch stone to keep myself on track so that I can function without symptoms disrupting my daily life to a great extent.

Haven't tested to see if I still meet the criteria, but I don't much care as I know that I use whatever tools I have at my disposal to improve the quality of my own life, and if something I share helps someone else than that is just a bonus. Another thing I have learned here is to give people the benefit of the doubt, don't project your own issues onto someone else, be gentle in your judgement and remember this is a PTSD site so sometimes people can get wonky.

 

[joeylittle]

remember this is a PTSD site so sometimes people can get wonky.

Yes. This. :tup:

 

[Abstract]

Would you all please stop acting like I took it personally and was upset by it? I didn't, I wasn't, end of story. Stop. Stop talking about my imagined reactions. You are arguing a non issue that didn't happen.

Realised this could be taken out of context. Some did overreact though.

 

[tacit]

Hi @Sandstone ..I hear your frustration & see the words & phrases you use & see similar parallels to my own journey & honestly, can't help but be excited for you. To me it has all the hallmarks of an impending breakthrough. They say that when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, transformation can be done, & I can attest it to being just as true for PTSD. Being frustrated, no longer happy with the status quo or no longer willing to accept the same old lines that just aren't getting you where you want to be. That's where it's at, although it certainly doesn't feel like it when you are in it. I too believe that sometimes the 'self care' can keep us stuck. The temptation to use it to feel better & ease the discomfort in order to maintain a comfortable level of misery. Personally I learned it was better to use 'self care' as support for pursing the struggle, rather than avoiding it. Keep up the good fight, keep challenging, keep asking the hard questions. And remember, 'Rest if you must, but don't you quit!' ??

 

[Mina]

I've been here over 10 years, although mostly away for quite some time now, yet pop back in every now and again.

PTSD can be like an onion. Layers upon layers upon layers...you peel back one only to find another. Hard to get "fully" better when you feel like you're continually uncovering something new/different. My journey started with going downhill after a severe bite by a large dog. In treating that, we uncovered multiple traumas from my childhood that I hadn't acknowledged as traumatic - it was simply my reality at the time. In working on that, it was quite a while before it dawned on me that I grew up in a religious cult church (still remember my therapist just nodding the day I said, "I grew up in a cult, didn't I?"). So that's been yet another layer to deal with. Slogging through that, we realized that I probably have Asperger's. And so on...

Am I better? Depends on how you define it. I'm primarily in a management phase. Overall, I'm highly functional: full-time job with significant responsibility, local friends that I hang out with (sometimes just to pet their dogs and keep doing exposure therapy, haha), ability to accomplish tasks, most nights I can sleep, I work out regularly, and it's rare that I self-harm or am suicidal anymore.

But then sometimes you trip over one of those layers. It was difficult to realize that I was internally terrified with the recent super-wolf-blood-moon-eclipse that had been approaching, due to my religious programming. Got through that, only to cut my hand and bleed while trimming chicken breasts last weekend - cue flashback to the dogbite incident and seeing my tendons, after going years without flashbacks. Did I deal with them in a more positive manner than I used to? Yes, I did. Am I improved over where I was 10.5 years ago? Absolutely. Am I where I was before PTSD? Nope, and I never will be. So IMO, "better" has to be a relative and/or sliding scale.

 

[FauxLiz]

there are lots of people here who have PTSD, but manage to go to work, support their families, have social lives.

. @Sandstone as someone with PTSD that goes to work supports my family and has a “social life” let me be perfectly clear I am probably further from recovery than most. I work, socialize and take care of my family as major ways to avoid anything to do dealing with my past, present and my PTSD. In fact I take work home nightly now that I have an empty nest and have come to the conclusion that the only way to force my self to do more than go to therapy and deal with just the surface issues of daily life will be to do another lengthy inpatient stay in a trauma program where all my avoidance and distractions are gone.

Please don’t judge your recovery by someone like me because my avoidance is in high gear and I am terrified of the idea of slowing down and focusing enough to truly deal with my multiple traumas.

 

[Abstract]

Managed to read a fair amount of the thread now.
I think its an excellent question in general and it is also quite likely a good thing you are asking it. For you. Breaking things apart often leads to change.
I was thinking about it further and the other analogy that comes to mind is sometimes a wheel isn't making contact with the road, or I am spinning my wheels. Continuing doing the same thing without asking why tends to mean that continues longer.
But also:
Realising the wheel isn't touching the ground and getting it down there are two different things. Sometimes we need to work and work and it seems no progress has been made, but then MOVEMENT... and all of a sudden things improve. Lots of progress can be invisible for a while. I find my progress goes in cycles. I also think a lot of work didn't generate much noticeable result for a while but it was exponential. It gathered momentum and the different parts started slotting together, at a point.

neither being kind or pushy work.

Oh yes, poor you, I know why that is scary", or "For goodness sake woman, just do it".

A stick seems more effective for me, without it, I'm fairly consistently inert.

One of those wheels that were off the ground was being able to deal with myself in an effective way. I didn't really understand how much this affected things until it started to change. Neither of what you describe above sounds helpful. It took me masses of hard work but then it did start taking hold and when it did - movement.

If you do have movement when someone else is affected it likely means you care about others more than yourself. And that movement is possible. Its just that you for you isn't a motivating enough factor at present. I truly know this feeling. Frozen.

When it comes to not reading the books or doing the homework: its worth looking at why that is happening. I know for me internal conflict often means that my brain is pulling in so many different directions that I don't do what I need to do. Or there is such a thing as avoidance.

Procrastination isn't laziness by the way. It is usually thought to relate to anxiety. Avoidance is too. At some point we need to really deeply accept that avoidance is not bringing us peace. It is merely delaying and keeping us suffering. Its horrible facing stuff but we have to go through to get to the other side. There is no way around. We often need to do things again and again before things take. And often the things we need to be doing don't mean we need to make it harder for ourselves. Making it easier on ourselves is a big lesson for many of us and harder than continuing with the self judgment and harshness. Essentially we have to be a good parent to ourselves. Tricky if we haven't experienced what that looks like.

I have to say I managed my earlier change through the use of the stick. When I hit up against the limits of that method I ground to halt. I was really stuck. The stick was no longer doing what it needed to do and in order to use something different I had to change a lifestimes habit, all sorts of belief systems, and rewire my brain. It was very hard and very frustrating. It did start yielding results eventually. It was ... unpleasant getting there.

One of the best things I did for me was to decide: I don't have to believe in treatment, in myself, or my ability to change to put one foot in from of the other.

Curious about the 5 year thing. Did you read something that gave that number?

 

[PlainJane]

I’ve been killing myself with this question. I made a statement recently about my own progress, rather lack of. I feel like if I could pin it to something specific, I could tackle that, then move to the next.

It is just so big. I guess that’s the same as what Joeylittle said about it being “complex”. It just is. I have it compared to going to the gym. Knowing that exercise is good and understanding the function of the machines, but not knowing how to productively “workout.” I have tools available to me and I don’t know how to use them to the best of their ability. Much like working out without a personal trainer, or at least someone that can help point you in the right direction for personal fitness goals. I haven’t sought out additional help from a therapist or like professional in quite some time. It is for good reason, nevertheless I recognize the need for help in finding a direction or how to productively use the tools at my disposal.

Avoidance. I can’t say that if I come into a situation that I can afford help that I will seek it. I avoid it like the fricken plague.

Perception. I don’t care what people think of me as long as it’s not weak or vulnerable. Straight up truth. It’s like hiding clutter in the cabinets and closets to make the place look clean and put together.

I am not priority. Sounds terrible, but I that’s the life I chose when I took responsibility of my brother. I do know that’s like the person who puts their own mask on before helping those around them. I tell myself I can hold out longer, while I slip up and self medicate or hurt myself (mindlessly running or other form of physical activity). Yada yada. I tell myself that when I can afford therapy, my brother will be the reason I go, I do not want THIS the have a negative impact on him. And it will, if it hasn’t already. I just hope he forgives me.

I know it’s not as simple as these few things but it is what I could articulate. For me this is a lot.

With the help of this beautiful place I’ve learned things about the disorder to help me function better than I used too. I don’t consider it progress though, because I haven’t confronted any of my issues. It’s cosmetic. I look like I’m doing better, but really it’s just a cover. Friday had a good phrase for that, can’t remeber what it was though.

That was a long way of saying why I’m not “better.”

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with Spock/70's but glad the OP got the feedback needed. I'm not the 6% but I'm not readily or easily adapting. I am demonstrating capableness though the toll it takes on a day to day basis is really wearing. I'm just really grateful to the mentors and people who taught me to use the "just noticeable difference" measuring stick for progress rather than the typical goal oriented one.

Being socially stunted... too blunt, too direct, too rude, too symptomatic... still is a difficulty though I am and have been full time employ for over a year with 2 employers since relocation. She does have a point that is often overlooked even if it is not on this particular topic. Ham-fisted or ham handedness after all is an observation. It is often meaningful for good willed people to remark upon such things provided their intent is well intentioned. I think hers was... and it was often a topic in recovery with me and sponsor/mentors as I engaged more and met with difficulties.

The topic though was interesting to see the breakdown of respondents... too bad many didn't see it or respond. I was intensely interested.
Please Sandstone, if you're so inclined, continue the thread or start a new one as you weigh this topic.

 

[Lucycat]

Which is where we came in. Why haven't I done enough to recover? Because I just don't want it badly enough.

Would you ever say that to a cancer sufferer? I rather doubt it.

I've been here a very long time and mostly I manage my CPTSD. I feel like I am a success story - but still I have meltdowns and easily get overwhelmed. I just try to minimise risk and do not step out of my comfort zone readily.

I am not looking for a cure. I am looking for the best way to live with this condition.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Not quite 5 years only a few days off. I’m honestly a lot better than I was. I know so much more and gained so many coping skills.

I’m not “better” because I can’t afford Therapy. The last time I went through the NHS I was pushed too much and it made me very symptomatic. I was very unwell for a long time. I wish so much I could afford proper trauma therapy but I can’t and the nhs has scared me off if I’m honest. You’re pretty much stuck with the therapist you get and if it’s not a right fit there isn’t a whole lot you can do except go back to the end of the waiting list.

 

[Empty Shell]

Why aren't you better?

Serious question - plenty of people apply all the tools and get better.

I actually had a reply written, then thought better of posting it because, well, just because. I mean, Sandstone, you're still here questioning people why they are here when they have all these tools to apply. Why are you here if you're so much better? You don't actually say that, but you do come off rather arrogant, and if you've applied all your little tools, the serious question is - why are you still here? (I don't really want one of your answers, just sayin....)