Toast

[illusionist]

When you clink glasses with someone do you look into their eyes as you toast a drink?

I know it is a stupid question, and one I've never been ' put in my place ' about before. I've always looked at the glass as I clink glasses but at the ripe old age of 50 have been told, for the second time, by the same person, to look into the eyes of the person I'm Clinking with. This was said in front of others, again, which made me feel like a kid being told off for bad manners....I shrivelled, yet again, when this person did this......now in my eyes that's totally bad manners on his part for putting me on the spot....I totally blanked the next clink as a silent protest and disappeared into my world and basically remained there. This person doesn't know me too well....he is a friend of my partners so he's not someone I would easily put in his place for putting me in that situation.

How would you deal with this without making a scene?

 

[Nam]

I would ignore. He's a goof. If I looked at something else than the glass, there would be no clinking and maybe some shattering and lots of swearing.

 

[Powder]

Make a small scene if you want. :) Up to you. Eyes are over-rated, watching the eyebrows and mouth tells you more about their mood. Studies show most people look more toward the mouth and center of face than the eyes. Looking people directly in the eyes is sometimes a threat or challenge, unless it's in foreplay.

 

[Friday]

It's worse manners to correct someone (adult) in public then the faux pas itself. It's terribly classless at best, and straight up rude (slap in the face) at worst. Only children are 'allowed' to be corrected in public, and only then until their coming out/ bat or bar mitzvah/ or leave for college. As soon as someone enters polite society on their own rights? To correct them in public is a flat out insult. "Im not a child, mother." Or "We always think of them so little, don't we Margaret? But he's a man, grown now! And a fine one. Blah blah blah" let's parents out of the "oops" accidental insult that happens fairly frequently.

However, yes. Standards dictate that one maintains eye contact.

A zing back, however, is from a game that teens play about this custom. By rumor, if you don't maintain eye contact? 7 years of celibacy (or bad sex) will follow! (Gasp. The horror.) So if it's a spouse/partner correcting you? Calmly take a sip and inform them that you didn't think it mattered as they clearly aren't planning on getting laid for the next 7 years. :) Patting them consolingly on the cheek is bonus points.

Whoops! Just read 'friend of partner'. A continuation of that particular snipe is to inform them that from what you've heard it doesn't appear that maintaining eye contact has done them any good.

Standards also dictate that when someone is rude to you, you are not only allowed but sort of requires to attack them in return. (Rudeness being attacking someone with your words or actions instead of your body). While fully within your rights to repartee? It is considered somewhat classier to cut them dead, instead. Look directly at them, and then let your eyes slide over them and onto something more interesting as if they aren't even worth the notice of stepping on something foul... And continue to ignore them for the rest of the evening. If your eyes meet by accident again? Cut them dead again. Unless, and until, they grovel sufficiently to win back your favor.

For people I actively dislike, I sometimes collect the number of times I can make them cut me dead in an evening :sneaky: Social functions bore me. So do society games, though. I'd rather just call the guy a twat. :D Sigh. But even I mind my manners from time to time.

ETA... And I have to also apologize. I've changed cultures so many times, so often, for so long... and had to relearn etiquette for each (as fast as possible)... That I tend to vomit my personal cliff notes up when the subject of manners comes up. Usually far too much info.

 

[anonymous]

at the ripe old age of 50 have been told, for the second time, by the same person, to look into the eyes of the person I'm Clinking with.

Who does this!?!?

One, its not like you made a major social faux pas. Its not like "looking into someones eyes during a toast" is a major deal and not doing so is considered to be an insult. (Then again, is this person not British? From a culture where eye contact is a sign of respect and no eye contact is a sign of disrespect? That's the only reasonable explanation I can think of, but still you wouldn't chastise an adult for doing this!)

Next time just laugh it off and say "oh, you're so silly! Sometimes I get a bit shy!" and leave it at that.

Maybe this guy is a control freak? Abusive control freaks are oftentimes good at hiding that side of themselves for the most part, but little things do indeed leak out. Is this guy partnered? Married? Maybe it only comes out with you and not your partner because you're female? Maybe he doesn't see it? Sometimes guys aren't controlling with other guys, but their controlling nature comes out around females. And sometimes they hide it so well that their controlling nature doesn't come out until after years of being in a relationship, not even until after marriage where the woman is trapped. Its all a part of the nature of abuse... Of course, this is indeed going off into the sunset on something that may just be a random quirk, but it does give you something to think about.

 

[Pencil]

I was going to comment, but @FridayJones said everything I wanted to say.

 

[Neverthesame]

Ha, wow. Umm.
I honestly have never heard of that before. Though I come from Leeds. So I am about as familiar with high class as a horse in a opera house. (I spent 5 minutes trying to come up with something clever. This is the best I could think of) oh well.

Seems to me, if you are doing any activity what involves eye hand coordination. Especially when you are consuming something which is steadily inparing said coordination. Would it not be wise to keep your eyes on what you are doing? Lest rather rude person who nit picks silly drinking rituals winds up with beer in his eyes? Or a chipped tooth? Or having to sit alone for the remainder of the evening, wearing someone else's pint?

Just saying, haha.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

In my culture not taking part in certain drinking rituals the expected way is considered rude e.g. if someone wants to "drink on brotherhood" and you refuse it or don't look him in the eyes is considered an offense in some circles... because it is basically like saying "I spit on brotherhood with you".

But then I don't believe that this is the case here and that he was from the same culture than you are (and if not he should have adapted to it as he was in your country). I think he is just rude and classless to correct another adult in public.

 

[illusionist]

I'm Scottish so I suppose I'm used to keeping an eye on my drink.......unforgivable sin amongst us lot to spill a single drop haha.

Thanks everyone, I needed to know that It wasn't my thinking that was wrong. Even if it is etiquette in England there is no excuse for bad manners. Looks like I need to talk with partner as they are arranging another meet up...and I'm not going to make up excuses.

 

[digger]

I think he'd be wearing my drink if he tried to tell me a third time ;)

 

[Powder]

Maybe I missed it, but with whom were you supposed to be maintaining eye contact? Just curious.

 

[illusionist]

I had just clicked with him and just going onto the next in the group when he told me to make contact, the previous time it was just with him when he said it..I muttered something about I've always looked at the glass.

I think what upset me was I had seen the controlling side of him the second time, with his partner whom I'd only just met, so when he said it to me this time round I felt it was a form of controlling me......and feeling like a kid again, panic etc.....I needed to know if it was just my Ptsd brain. So yes he was wrong, and I was wrong for allowing that to overcome me to the extent it did.