Today, My Husband Messaged Me With This...

[BlueOrange]

Riot, coming from a male supporter who is deeply, madly, and passionately in love with his sufferer it doesn't sound to me as though he doesn't see the beauty in you. It sounds like he misses you, and is anxious to have you back.

I think that's a perfectly legitimate perspective, and kind, loving one. It's also a message with a negative subtext. These are the questions that come to mind for me when I read that: "How can you miss me when I'm right here?" "What if I'm stuck like this for a really long time (possibly even forever), what is that going to mean?"

I'm not saying that the message should change - honesty is important, and if you know a 'before' person and an 'after' person, or if you get glimpses of different people during your interactions, it's normal to prefer one person over another. But there is a very real sense of shame involved in having a chronic, invisible disease. Both of these supporter comments would trigger that sense of shame. (One of the most traumatic experiences I've had in my adult life, is the experience of having PTSD.)

The reality of recovery is that it's a journey of learning to cope with triggers - I'm not saying that these things shouldn't be said. And if you're a supporter who is hanging around, then you've obviously come to terms with being misunderstood. But there's also this thing of being 'differently understood', which isn't the same as misunderstanding.

So, as a sufferer, I want to acknowledge that it's wonderful that there are supporters who want a happier future. I think it's very understandable that they want a future where they aren't navigating a minefield with a blindfold on. But the messages I've appreciated most are the ones that accept the present and the mess and the difficulty. Because when I need a supportive message, it tends to be when the future seems to be impossibly far away.

 

[Riot]

@BlueOrange, I think you pretty much nailed it.

 

[void]

My husband messaged me today from work. I don't know how I feel about this, or what to even say.

When I...

I think he is lovely and that you chose well, in choosing him.:happy:.
There are MANY men, who would never express their emotion, struggle and concern as he has in this text.
If it were me, I would hold his face in my hands and tell him he's wonderful and sweet.:inlove::inlove::inlove:
He wants your suffering to end.
He is confused by your behavior...help him to understand you...he is asking you to.
He is hurt and he doesn't even blame you.....OMFG:wideeyed:...you know how rare and mature that is....like...WOW:wideeyed:
His loyalty and understanding are just beautiful.

...and he thinks you are wonderful(I'm sure he's right:happy:)

 

[Riot]

@void, well it all happened when I was like 7. It'd be pretty insane to blame anyone that age. But, yes, he is indeed a sweetheart, and I do love him very much.

 

[Milo's papa]

@BlueOrange ,
I'm sorry if I triggered you or anyone else. That would never be my intention.

For me, as a supporter, there have been few times that I have seen the woman I married, but not often. It gets lonely having her Physically with me, but knowing her PTSD has her someplace else, and I can't stand haveing to sleep in another room to avoid the times she has to fight off her abusers. I understand none of this is her choice, she has no control over it.

It has been 8 years now, and God only knows how much longer it will last. You're right, it could be forever. That doesn't mean I can't hope it won't be. Hope is the one thing we as supporters and all of you as suffers have to hold on to. That doesn't change my undying support for her and what she is going through today. It just breaks my heart that she is going through all this and I can't stop it.

 

[Riot]

@Milo's papa, you didn't 'trigger' me, but I felt like posting it as it's a good example of how things can be seen from two points of view, neither being necessarily wrong. If that makes sense? :)

 

[Milo's papa]

@Milo's papa, you didn't 'trigger' me, but I felt like posting it as it's a good example...

I glad I didn't trigger you, i hope I didn't trigger anyone else.
I understand things can be read/mean different thngs to different people.That's one of the hardest thiings about communication. All you can do is explain he way you meant it to coome out.

 

[BlueOrange]

@BlueOrange ,
I'm sorry if I triggered you or anyone else. That would never be my...

I wasn't triggered - you expressed yourself very gently and considerately, and the main thing I wanted to do was to help @Riot to feel OK with one of the more difficult parts of the sufferer experience. It's HARD when someone wonderful is being really wonderful to you and you're feeling unhappy with them. You didn't deserve to have me tell you off, and you'd done nothing wrong, and it can be really difficult to own your negative feelings in a situation like that. And yet, the negative feelings come from a legitimate place and so they also need respect.

Hope is the one thing we as supporters and all of you as suffers have to hold on to.

You're wrong there. I have a supporter to hold on to, and that's WAY better than hope, any day of the week. I'm sorely tempted to go off on a very longwinded tangent on that topic, but I'd rather not derail this thread.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I agree with @BlueOrange above. And I don't have a supporter nor hope.

But yes, nothing held against what's likely meant with good intention, but I think @BlueOrange has gotten to the heart of it.

I do think it's a bit disheartening (or would be for me) to hear 'when you are better' as a condition for desiring or enjoying my presence, personally (not in any way suggesting that was inferred necessarily to @Riot .)

Not sure if it's just me here, but also it seems the term trigger is getting used a lot. Surely it has it's place, but it's distinct from startle response, stressor, memory, emotional flashback, upsetting wording, miscommunication & hurt, etc. (Again, just speaking for myself, not everything that upsets me is a trigger, and not every trigger results in upset (could result in fear etc too.) ). JMHO though.

 

[Tinyflame]

My husband messaged me today from work. I don't know how I feel about this, or what to even say.

ETA, I don't know the context of what preceded this, or any other details, but in retrospect I wouldn't know what I was supposed to think of such a message, or to say either, were it me. To be thankful for it? Or ashamed I was not doing better, perhaps trying everything I know? Is it a declaration of support, or would (I) see it as a communication of frustration & wish to be out of the relationship? Or an opening to 'have a talk', some expectation like that? Idk it would probably leave me unsure what to think & speechless too.

 

[Friday]

This reminds me of when an ex of mine & I were curled up on the couch. He kissed the top of my head & said he missed me. I said, me too.

I missed me, I missed him. Not even inches, but a gulf apart.

It was a good moment.

It could have gone either way. I could have gotten angry, or hurt, or defensive. There was a moment of pause. The "which way am I going to feel about this?" moment. One thing I try and apply in my life is that when there's a choice? To choose the good one. So many times in life there are only bad choices, that when one of the choices is good? Hell yah. That one!

 

[Riot]

@Junebug, thankfully, I've been with him long enough to know what he meant, but I can't hold all of the change by myself either, since our relationship needs mending as well. Part of healing and growing involves a massive mind set change. He's going to have to change his mind (and similarly decide it for himself to) if he wants to play the role he's asking to play. Whether he intended something or not is less the point; I feel like he is owed a reason so that he knows why it hurt my ego. You bring up very good points!

@FridayJones, I can appreciate your perspective. If this had come with inflection and physical emotion, it could change the context entirely. As it was, it was a semi random text from him while he was at work. A bit... rough. I can also see myself saying 'me too' even, at different stages in thia, as well. Right now I need to give myself a little credit, and jump the hurdle of feeling completely worthless. I'd really rather he sees that on his own, rather than having to stroke my own fragile ego by directly telling him. I understand that's not exactly completely rational.