Today Was Odd. Anyone Else Experience This?

[Underdog]

Not sure where to post this, so my apologies in advance.

Last night, I was in a small restaurant with a few people for a small wedding celebration. I was unnerved beyond belief due to the noise and movement around me. I couldn't understand most of what was being said, be that from hearing or from dissassociation. I was about to crumble when others publicly commented about how loud it was. It still left me unnerved wondering how I would handle today.

Today, I did a video shoot and participated in an auction open to the public. It wasn't a large group, but half or so I didn't know. There were probably about 60 to 70 people there working and attending. The auction was for something I am passionate about as a hobby and recently began to reconnect again. I was working by video recording to make a short 2 minute documentary of the event. I was busy, haven't slept well in many, many days and just coming off of a very intense few weeks of being deeply triggered and nearly non-functional.

Then a drum band started practicing in the next room. I was really put off and thought for sure I would explode given everything else!

Yet, I didn't! I was surely not all there at times. Towards the end I was having issues and a few people asked if I was ok. I think they saw the tired look in my eyes. Yet, for the time being I don't feel like I was triggered. I was mostly working and looking for opportunities for more video shots. Yet, in scenarios where I am not working, I get tense and want to explode!

Why? Thought for sure I wouldn't do well today, yet somehow I did! Does anyone experience this duality?

 

[Underdog]

Now that I think about it, it's probably not a duality. Not sure what to call it. Just perplexed by this. Was sure I would be set off today, but wondering if I just feel safe in this group given my history and the respect they give. Yes, they have internal conflicts like all groups, but nothing like what I've experienced. Yes, there have been times individuals triggered me into complete rage, despite the fact that I understood how miscommunication and being busy beyond belief can lead to miscommunication. Just saying, it's not that I haven't been triggered in the past, but it's been short lived and nothing like what I experienced last night. I'm just really confused! My apologies for adding more to my initial post. Felt it needed a tad more explaining in hindsight.

 

[joeylittle]

I'd call it Doing Well :tup:

You were in situations that would normally set you off - and sure, you were feeling stress and some discomfort - but you always managed to come back to your task, the video shoot. I think it probably helped enormously that you are passionate about what you were doing there.

And in the previous night, it sounds like hearing that you won't the only one being bothered by noise (because sometimes it's not PTSD - sometimes it's just annoyingly loud in the world, and we are all allowed to get frustrated with it!) - anyway, hearing you weren't alone helped you pull yourself back from the brink.

I've had experiences where I thought I'd be a wreck and was surprised to find I didn't actually lose it. It's great, really. I say well done.

 

[Chava]

I'm really confident at work (and it's a chaotic job!) and even do really well under pressure when it involves others (like helping them solve a problem vs me alone with my problems)...like I developed my stronger adult self only in a work environment and it doesn't transfer well to the rest of my life. On my own I feel like a different person a lot and am worried I'm carrying my distance into my work instead of dividing the split in a more positive light, but probably it's just some adjustment. I used to deal with life by overworking because I did feel so safe and strong with work (but that was proving to be a recipe for burnout). So, I can relate to split feeling, but also it sounds like you do well under stress at work and where others are involved, and that's a good thing too.

I also feel pretty disoriented in really loud, crowded environments...but if I'd have some part in needing to order part of it, like speak or arrange the music, I'd actually do much better than just trying to withstand it all from a passive point of view....like I need something more concrete to "do" or I'm just left with all the disorganized energy (this sounds like ADD...I'm not ADD that I know of, bt I know trauma symptoms can overlap). The more hyper my nervous system is, the more I need to get away from chaos or find a way to focus on something in a smaller scope. Possibly your work helps you focus on parts of the environment in a way that absorbs your attention and helps your body tune out the other chaos to some extent. ?? Hope you are able to get some good rest.

 

[Friday]

So... I have sensory processing stuff that kicks into high gear when my PTSD stuff is in high gear. Oh joy. Oh rapture. One of those things is the whole bottom of the well, surreal, I can't understand voices thing, while another is feeling like my head is stuck in an amplifier and everyone is screaming / shouting in 6 languages... and it becomes a visceral / tactile sensation, and my vision goes sideways. I can totally fake being fine in both (most of the time) but lights are on... Nobody is home.

One of the things that fixes either are drums.
Or shots fired.
The percussion cuts through the mental miasma and clears everything up.

When I'm in that kind of sensory overload, the 3 things that really help are
- Going to a shooting range
- Taiko Drums
- Snuggling up to a speaker. From the 8' tall cabinets at a club (I really do love the break from senses in partial overload or not by going to the total sensory overload of a club) to turning on my volume at full in my car and feeling the vibrations through to my bones.

I don't know why, but the percussive force of bullets or bass are simply godsends.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know why, but the percussive force of bullets or bass are simply godsends.

I wish I could remember where I read this - but there is a theory that sub-frequencies (the kind you get out of the low end of great speakers) do actually produce a wave that works a bit like a deep tissue massage. Not as rigorous, of course, but basically all your soft tissue resonates with the sound wave.

Sounds soothing to me.

 

[Underdog]

@Chava that was what I was wondering. Thought perhaps it was because I was so hyper focused on getting exactly what I needed and seeking those perfect video shots without staging it that I lost myself in both my work and passion. As of this morning, no side effects to speak of yet and I kinda doubt there will be. I've always been good at knowing social cues and holding it together through those social events, even if I was falling to pieces inside. Just didn't feel like I was falling to pieces except for a few moments there. Of course, at the end I got all the footage I still needed to wrap it up and made an exit as quickly as possible, lol... I came home and the hubby wanted to talk, talk, talk. I wanted quiet, quiet, quiet, lol...

 

[Chava]

I used to play in a symphony orchestra and had the beginnings of panic attacks a couple times during performances (about 1,000 people in the audience)...no performance anxiety, but it was during a period when I would have panic symptoms when physically exhausted and over-heated. My muscles were hurting badly. But I always got through those panic attacks in sneaky ways, like slipping my shoes off and under my skirt...or oddly, pretending the part I was playing was harder than it was, so I focused intensely on it and pulled through the feelings of dizziness and constriction. I remember making whole notes "feel" complicated once, just to pull myself back into a safe, focused zone so I didn't fall apart. :):whistling:

 

[Underdog]

Wow! Yeah, and that seems to right on with what I was thinking and how my therapist explained it today as well. This evening hasn't been going so well. Lots of anger and fighting with myself to work with the video taken. Finally, I remembered what my therapist said this morning though. "Remember to listen and be kind to yourself. If you need to stop and calm yourself down/relax, then do it. Is anything truly so urgent it can't wait?" Of course, while I was resting a bit I checked my email and had requests for more press releases and marketing stories. Ugh!!! Sent me right over the edge! Should have known better than to look at my email during that time. Apparently, I've been fairly nasty tonight to my better half. Sigh...

 

[Chava]

Dang, hope tomorrow is a little better. I have to filter better when I'm stressed sometimes, too (like the no e-mail) but it's hard because I become so restless and my attention is crap...it's hard to do calming things. It helps me to do something physical, like leg exercises or something where I can burn off some of the energy in my big muscles...usually need stuff like that before I can tolerate "relaxing" in any form, especially if hyped up.