Told My Mom She Was Crossing A Boundary Without Yelling

[all_akimbo]

Today my mom crossed a line with me. She does this on "accident" nearly every time we speak. I have worked hard on stating plainly when my boundaries are being crossed it is always a challenge with her.

It is always frustrating because I know that she isn't really capable of what I want in a mother, what I have needed, and I have accepted that - ish...

Accepting the problem as I know it to be means I have to have more rigid boundaries with her than I do others. She does have this way of mimicking sanity just enough to make me question myself and then I give her another chance, she violates, I withdraw and the cycle repeats again later.

I had a major breakthrough today at the stables. A repressed memory became less fuzzy. Still no real details, but a sense that it isn't something I just "made up" if you know what I mean. The horrible stuff seems so insane and my mom did such a number on my ability to believe my own feelings, I often question what is coming up for me, fall back on the "drama queen" and "you did this to yourself" messages, instead of owning my history.

I was feeling exhausted, but good. I had a breakthrough, I knew what I knew and I was claiming it. I was ok with it.

I talked to my mom a little while later about something unrelated, but still private. I just wanted a cheerleader, but she did the "nothing will ever work out for you" dance (she's oh oh so subtle about it, if you don't know her, you might think she's expressing concerns, but she is not). I told her plainly that she needs to stop and listen to me. She needs to stop making assumptions and that when she does that I start to lose my temper and that I don't want to yell and scream at her.

She tried one more time to escalate the discussion and when I didn't give her what she wanted (by fighting so she could tell everyone how horrible I am) she quickly ended our conversation.

I'm sad that my mom games with me in this way, but I am proud of myself because I did not take the bait.

-aa

 

[safenow]

I am proud of myself because I did not take the bait.

I'm proud of you too. Good job. *puts a gold star on your forehead*.

 

[all_akimbo]

*puts a gold star on your forehead*.

My former boss, my favorite boss I ever had (and still dear dear friend) would put red star stickers on my forehead when I did something outstanding. It wasn't unusual to see me walking around the office with a red star on my forehead.

That was such a fun job some days...

 

[Sailorgal]

Good for you! It's tough when it's parents but your sanity before their feelings. :)

 

[a3a2]

akimbo,

I can understand the parental manipulation of which you write so well! Great job in handling the crap!!!!!

 

[Abstract]

I knew what I knew and I was claiming it.

That is wonderful! Especially as it seems you have been brought up in an environment that encourages you to doubt yourself.

mimicking sanity just enough to make me question myself and then I give her another chance,

I am sorry this is the case. I understand how crazy making it is when someone appears to be what they are not.

but I am proud of myself

That is wonderful that you stated your boundaries and did not become aggressive! Well done. And it seems she let go and moved on as a result.

Do you think it is wise speaking to your mother about private concerns where you needed a cheerleader? I just wonder as it seems you are saying she really isnt capable of giving you what you want. Do you think you are still expecting things from her that you won't get and then become upset and shocked when you don't get them?

It is such a horrible painful thing to accept that people are not what we maybe want them to be as I found it is like a death of sorts. The fantasy dies. But it also helps so much with developing a safe relationship I have found.

I also think it can be helpful to tell someone what you would help you before you start if you have a definite idea of what you need. So that you are less likely to have your feelings hurt.

You seem to be making great strides so keep going! :)

 

[who am i kim]

I wish to add my congratulations to you for standing up to your mum. They can be very difficult to deal with. My mum will never change and believes that she is right and I am wrong. I now tell her nothing and just acknowledge things when on the phone with her. I keep it short and brief. I have come to accept that she will never change and I have moved on from there. When I do come into contact with her I do not do it alone, someone has to be with me otherwise she will get her claws back into me again. I have to be so careful with her and it is a shame. She was so dominating and still tries to manipulate us to this day.

 

[all_akimbo]

Do you think it is wise speaking to your mother about private concerns where you needed a cheerleader?

No. This is the problem. I pulled away hardcore and completely shut her out of anything important in May. I sat both of my parents down when I went to the retreat in October because I needed someone in my family to know where I was. That was the first time I told them I had PTSD. I told them both I would not discuss 'how' I got it with them. My mom asked me a bunch of questions and said things like, "you bring these things on yourself" and "everyone has things they've done that they are ashamed of." When I had a massive panic attack a couple of weeks ago and needed a ride home from the doctor's office, my dad was comforting but he asked me why I was having these symptoms. I told him again that I have PTSD and that panic attacks are a symptom of that, he said, "what is PTSD?" He had forgotten. :sorry:

I just wonder as it seems you are saying she really isnt capable of giving you what you want. Do you think you are still expecting things from her that you won't get and then become upset and shocked when you don't get them?

Yes. She called me a few days after my panic attack to check on me. I took it as a sign that she was trying to have a relationship with me and taking responsibility for her part of it. I was wrong. She is a narcissist. When her kids are having problems she likes to know all the sorted details so she can tell her friends about it and get sympathy. Have you ever walked into a room full of people who don't know you, but look at you with pity because your mom has told them how f**ked up you are? I have.

I should not share anything with her ever. It was a poor decision. My dad shames me for not trying to have a relationship with her. I feel like no matter what I do I am f**ked. If I try to have a relationship with her everyone knows about my business and she says hurtful things that trigger me and make me feel like a bad person; if I refuse to engage, my dad gets upset with me and blames me for her feeling left out of my life.

It sucks all around. :sorry:

You are so perceptive, Abstract. Just so you know, your post helped me see why I've been having some nasty dreams lately. I need to work on my acceptance. I need to stop hoping that things could be any different in this area and let it go. I think I would feel a lot better if I did that.

Thank you.

-aa

 

[all_akimbo]

My mum will never change and believes that she is right and I am wrong.

I'm so familiar with this. I am sorry that you deal with it too. I know my mom isn't even the worst out there. I know NPD is a spectrum disorder and that it could be much worse.

I have come to accept that she will never change and I have moved on from there.

How did you do that? How did you know that you had when you did? I thought I had. I have not.

When I do come into contact with her I do not do it alone, someone has to be with me otherwise she will get her claws back into me again.

It's interesting to me that you said this because for a long while now I have been completely terrified to be alone with her. The reason is that she will escalate and bait until I get mad (my responsibility to stay calm I know), then go cry to my dad about me "abusing her". I would then later get a call from him telling me how awful I am and I should treat my mom better. I finally told him that if he needed to make excuses for her behavior he should call someone else and do that and when he runs out of people who will listen, he can go stand in front of a mirror and make excuses for her to himself. He hasn't lectured me about anything like that in a while. LOL.

((((((who am i kim)))))))

 

[Abstract]

you bring these things on yourself" and "everyone has things they've done that they are ashamed of."

Oh I am dreadfully sorry. :( To be honest I feel angry on your part too.

He had forgotten

Again so sorry. :( And although I have not shared the PTSD issue with my family (or anyone) I have had very similar experiences with other diagnoses.

Have you ever walked into a room full of people

Again yes and I am very sorry you have. Often my large extended family too. And it normally means I am left wondering what has been said.

My dad shames me for not trying

I think this happens so often all akimbo. Essentially it is a dysfunctional culture within a family. As children we try to please and try to learn what is expected and keep trying to be supported as we need. And all the time our intuition and internal experiences tend to get undermined as when we try to change there is always huge resistance. But just because our family thinks something is right doesn't mean it is.

I could hear you were far along the path to figuring this all out already and I have to say it took me until I was about 40 years old to do so so huge credit to you as I suspect you are way younger than that.

Keeping good boundaries in a family that is dysfunctional almost always means we are going to be labelled the bad guy by someone. And that can be so hard to do when we want to be loved and to be "good". Sadly the only answer is usually to accept that there will be backlash and that one has to do it anyway for survival.

And then once one fully accepts who the person is then it is easier to build a realistic reciprocal relationship that is still safe for you. But it is a difficult and painful process. Not least because it means us giving up the fantasy of having the parents we want. But for me it changed my life and helped me in so many ways.

I wish you lots of luck and have no doubt you will figure it all out with time! :)

 

[all_akimbo]

Abstract,

We have some stuff in common.

I have more to say, but I need to get some stuff done so I have to pull myself away. For now, I have to laugh at your "way younger" comment...

I'm younger than 40; older than 30. No one would know that by looking at me. I still get carded for cigarettes. :woot:

((((((Abstract))))))

 

[Abstract]

All Akimbo :hilarious: