Friday
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IME... this is all part of learning to have boundaries.
People are going to brush up against them, bump into them, push them, and occasionally barrel through... all on accident. No ill-intent. In addition to people who don’t give a damn what your boundaries are, or who purposefully break them.
Step 1 is prioritising. How important IS this boundary to you? Some, like “don’t kill my child” (don’t rape me, don’t run me over with a car, don’t kidnap me and lock me in a basement) are going to be very important, hard-limit, and also be implicit. It’s not like you didn’t tell them not to kill your kid, etc., so how could they know? Others, like “I’m uncomfortable discussing politics in this setting”, will probably have a bit of wiggle room to them (soft limit), as well as have times where it’s more okay or less okay.
Every boundary being equally the same? Is one of those black & white thinking deals. All boundaries aren’t the same. That doesn’t mean that “lesser” boundaries aren’t important, or don’t exist. It just means that you handle someone stepping on your foot on accident differently than being punched in the face. And vice versa.
Step 2 is (usually) letting them know that they’ve bumped up against (or crossed) a boundary in some way or another. It can be really big-deal-formal or “we need to talk” kind of thing with a significant amount of time put into it, or as simple as a “Yo! Nada, thanks.” taking no more than 2 seconds...and everything carries on as normal.
Usually, because again, some boundaries are so hard that they don’t need to be spoken. The moment they’re crossed, Finis. Most boundaries? Aren’t like that.
Most boundary crossings? And letting them know? Are not the end of the world, or the relationship. It’s just a painted yellow line showing up on the road that indicates where to drive. Okay! Cool!
Step 3 is carrying on. Really. That’s all there is to it, most of the time. You let someone know, and they stop. That simple.
Step 2.5 (yes I’m going backwards) Is negotiating. Because sometimes boundries conflict, or needs/wants do, and a discussion is had to figure out of A & B can coexist, and if so, how? <<< This is 2.5 both because it’s less common than simply giving someone a heads up, and carrying on, AND because sometimes when a person cheerfully agrees to a boundary? They keep brushing up against it. At which point, something clearly isn’t working. 9 times out of 10? IME a minor adjustment stops that. We didn’t know there would need to BE a minor adjustment until we tried it. Now we know. So we tweak things a bit, and voila. Both of us are happy. (This is opposed to a boundary being pushed, like in abuse, where they start out in one place and are gradually moved to a completely different place.)
Make sense?
People are going to brush up against them, bump into them, push them, and occasionally barrel through... all on accident. No ill-intent. In addition to people who don’t give a damn what your boundaries are, or who purposefully break them.
Step 1 is prioritising. How important IS this boundary to you? Some, like “don’t kill my child” (don’t rape me, don’t run me over with a car, don’t kidnap me and lock me in a basement) are going to be very important, hard-limit, and also be implicit. It’s not like you didn’t tell them not to kill your kid, etc., so how could they know? Others, like “I’m uncomfortable discussing politics in this setting”, will probably have a bit of wiggle room to them (soft limit), as well as have times where it’s more okay or less okay.
Every boundary being equally the same? Is one of those black & white thinking deals. All boundaries aren’t the same. That doesn’t mean that “lesser” boundaries aren’t important, or don’t exist. It just means that you handle someone stepping on your foot on accident differently than being punched in the face. And vice versa.
Step 2 is (usually) letting them know that they’ve bumped up against (or crossed) a boundary in some way or another. It can be really big-deal-formal or “we need to talk” kind of thing with a significant amount of time put into it, or as simple as a “Yo! Nada, thanks.” taking no more than 2 seconds...and everything carries on as normal.
Usually, because again, some boundaries are so hard that they don’t need to be spoken. The moment they’re crossed, Finis. Most boundaries? Aren’t like that.
Most boundary crossings? And letting them know? Are not the end of the world, or the relationship. It’s just a painted yellow line showing up on the road that indicates where to drive. Okay! Cool!
Step 3 is carrying on. Really. That’s all there is to it, most of the time. You let someone know, and they stop. That simple.
Step 2.5 (yes I’m going backwards) Is negotiating. Because sometimes boundries conflict, or needs/wants do, and a discussion is had to figure out of A & B can coexist, and if so, how? <<< This is 2.5 both because it’s less common than simply giving someone a heads up, and carrying on, AND because sometimes when a person cheerfully agrees to a boundary? They keep brushing up against it. At which point, something clearly isn’t working. 9 times out of 10? IME a minor adjustment stops that. We didn’t know there would need to BE a minor adjustment until we tried it. Now we know. So we tweak things a bit, and voila. Both of us are happy. (This is opposed to a boundary being pushed, like in abuse, where they start out in one place and are gradually moved to a completely different place.)
Make sense?
