Crossing Boundaries

[Skywatcher]

My T, whom I love dearly and have been seeing for over a year, broke a boundary. I am typically one learning how to have boundaries, so I am kind of amazed at how I now see why they are so important in the therapeutic relationship.

Basically, I already knew that she is on the opposite side of politics due to my online research and her husband’s job. I’m pretty moderate, so it doesn’t matter that much. We were talking about my triggers and opinions of the Kavanaugh situation because I brought it up. (She has told me that it is best for me to not engage in politics at the moment due to what it is doing to me, symptom wise.). Then in my safe place of therapy she engaged in a political discussion and brought up both sides and since I know her politics, it was really upsetting. Plus, I could tell how she was leaning and I don’t think that was in my best interest.

I became upset and emailed her later. Luckily, she realized what had happened and appologized. Said that she shouldn’t have talked politics. I accepted her apology, however, it lingers. It has all gotten twisted up with my trauma and believability. Enter trust and abandonment feelings.

Has your therapist ever crossed a boundary?

 

[shimmerz]

Therapists are human. Politics aren't important enough to get in the way of a good therapist, if she is one. I don't actually follow politics for just that reason. I feel they are just a good reason to sit on the conquer and divide fence post.

 

[grit]

Hi Skywatcher,

I am not sure if this is boundary crossing, maybe I am wrong but the therapist having a different opinion than you is not a boundary crossing. the fact she apologized is also good because she acknowledges your hurt.

I think the fact you checked on her online is boundary crossing. How do you know what her husband does? if she did not tell you this and you found it on your own, that is boundary crossing.

In all of these, I agree with you 100% that this is a bothersome and a concern for you by noting "I accepted her apology, however, it lingers. It has all gotten twisted up with my trauma and believability. Enter trust and abandonment feelings."

Now the question is how do you move on from this point?
I think it will help you a much better if therapy is not about intellectual debate (especially those very close to your trauma) but therapeutic talk and support. It is always quite upsetting to see clueless therapists in the world. Can you make a request not to have political debate on your dime?

A client's boundary during therapy is a fickle space and it is really important to be cautious of that.

 

[Ronin]

I think the fact you checked on her online is boundary crossing. How do you know what her husband does? if she did not tell you this and you found it on your own, that is boundary crossing.

Disagreed. If it is public domain, then that therapist put it out there for anyone to see (and find freely), and if they are politically active people / publicly active in yet other capacity than as a therapist+, then that is not really a private business (and within the right of their clients to know of, follow on, or at least be aware of.)

Depending the type of therapy / areas of work, it may be simply common sense and good practice to check thoroughly who the therapist is, and what are their associations, proclaimed publicly or rumored.

That is while not going into the whole cluster that some states are, here.
Less about boundary crossing, more about common sense, safety, and knowing who you work with, IMO.

 

[grit]

You have a point Ronin. I respect that.

One time, I looked up my old doctor on the College's website and found out what year she became a doctor and that she was registered etc because I was truly curious to ensure she is a doctor. She was so bad at her job so I felt I needed a proof. The weird thing was when I mentioned to her that I looked her up on the College's site, the look on her face could cut like knife!

I think this area is debatable nowadays. I do not know if Skywatcher told the therapist she knows her political leaning and this bothers her. Maybe by bringing this up will clear some air.

I feel we do not have the full story yet.

 

[Skywatcher]

@grit my T is married to a small town political public figure, also, I did tell my therapist that I googled her before working with her and she said that would be expected. She said that they do that when hiring people as well. Her Facebook public info doesn’t list her political affiliation, but her “likes” do, which line up with her husband.

She mostly stayed unbiased in our discussion, however, it triggered a bunch of stuff for me and affected my trust in her. It is hard to explain without saying way more details than I wish to share here. She knows that I view her as an authority and our discussion seemed more on the lines of a discussion you would have with a close friend... only we are not on equal footing due to the way I see her and she knows that I see her that way. It is something we work on... I believe that is where the boundary was crossed. I could be wrong here as well. I am not good at understanding boundaries.

In my post, I was curious if other people have had a situation in therapy where they felt a boundary was crossed.

 

[Ronin]

Ah that, in the sense of space / personal mental space.

Depends what kind of stuff and with who, really. Some of the therapists I quit on for that, because it was tad too personal and nothing I wanted them in (minimizing, misunderstanding, mis contextualizing, did not have the time and patience to feed them all of the info, or they were essentially right about areas of my life I did not want them keying on in), past few years I tend to laugh it off / make a joke about it and pass go, unless it is safety involving, or involving someone else than me. Those get to me, because it feels I am failing people, and letting someone else on in that, too.

I see where your issue may lie, on another hand, I would also weight some authorities may be friends / or at least friendly? if not friends out right, and that the two may not be mutually exclusive, and hard push away from either of those may be something to explore with the therapist. Not even the reaction for the concrete issue, the whole area and dynamic.

 

[Skywatcher]

I see where your issue may lie, on another hand, I would also weight some authorities may be friends / or at least friendly? if not friends out right, and that the two may not be mutually exclusive, and hard push away from either of those may be something to explore with the therapist. Not even the reaction for the concrete issue, the whole area and dynamic.

I feel that this is something that we are working on, she continues to point out both in person and in writing that she is merely a human. I know that, but I tend to want to please her and there are things that I am afraid to tell her now because I am afraid she will leave due to my opinion... and now in writing this I realize that it oozes transference. Maybe next week, I will just start calling her “mom.” Lol

 

[EveHarrington]

If my therapist was sitting there defending..... well I’d be out the door so fast! If she voted the other way, she would have voted for a p*ssy grabber and someone who supports p*ssy grabbers could NEVER be on my side.

Thank god my therapist is liberal.

 

[B0103mcus]

Do you feel that she purposefully imposesd her personal opinion? I agree with another's post about therapist are human and therapist do screw up. If she is a good therapist her personal opinions would stay personal and she would maintain an unbiased therapeutic environment and truly be sorry for possibly affecting the therpauetic relationship negatively. I think posting things publicly is up to the individual therapist, but I know of many that do not for professional reasons. Depending on what you are working on, by her apologizing but it is "lingering", is this something that maybe can be beneficial to your current work in therpy?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

as your therapist ever crossed a boundary?

Yeah, but he asked me first. I didn't even know it was a boundry. Or didn't see it as him crossing a boundry.

My therapist and I have stone hard boundries. But, the man knows every detail about me, my life, what I do, think, feel, in every area of life. We've talked about the most embarrassing things on this planet.

We also talk politics. It's intresting. We vary a bit on views but both super open minded.

Anyway, here's how I see boundry crossing. Have you crossed one? I have. I've crossed more then one more then once. Many, many times. Your therapost is human and can mess up. She knows she messed up and appologized. I say, don't dwell on the small stuff so much. The bigger stuff need our attention more!

 

[Skywatcher]

Do you feel that she purposefully imposesd her personal opinion? I agree with another's post about therapist are human and therapist do screw up. If she is a good therapist her personal opinions would stay personal and she would maintain an unbiased therapeutic environment and truly be sorry for possibly affecting the therpauetic relationship negatively. I think posting things publicly is up to the individual therapist, but I know of many that do not for professional reasons. Depending on what you are working on, by her apologizing but it is "lingering", is this something that maybe can be beneficial to your current work in therpy?

I think so. One thing that I am working on is not needing approval. It is related to my trauma and I feel that this situation has triggered all of that.