Too embarrassed to discuss this in t.

[skyblue]

I always thought my SA will always be hidden. I have no intent to tell anyone. yet here i am, writing about it. i always thought i have done a great job of being normal. that no one will suspect it. everything is fine and great. except i am not sure if it still is.
i have NEVER talked about this and i am not comfortable talking about this with my T, yet.
i guess afraid of the unknown. what will come up and what questions will be asked. i have not given much thought to my abuse, what it means , if anything?
it was done. its in the past. i am okay now. it was no big deal, really.
today i am frustrated.
i told my spouse, i no longer love him. we have decided not to divorce and co parent.
I told him i dont want to be intimate with him anymore.
this has been so freeing. To say "no" .
every now and then, my spouse becomes super nice , so nice that i feel guilty saying no to something he really wants. he just cant accept that "no s3x" part.
and maybe he thinks by being super nice to me, he might convince me otherwise. and i have thought about it, that i should just do it. but i tell myself lets wait a few more days and see if he still continues , and he doesnt ofcourse. he tells me off soon after.
he has started saying that i might have history of SA, thats why i am refusing being intimate with him.
this just made me sick and angry!
its so unfair !!!!
i have hidden this so well and there is NO reason for anyone to assume this. None !
no s3x is because i dont love him anymore. i dont want it.
can it be as simple as that?
does this have to relate to SA?
am i being abnormal?
i feel threatened and scared.
i am afraid of this assumption getting out. i am afraid he might confide in someone .

as you can tell , this is a very sensitive topic. i havent even brought up SA in therapy yet.
i am questioning what is normal and what is not. which behaviours of mine could be related to SA and which are not.
my spouse has never said this to me in last 10 years of our marriage. ( proud of myself there, that i hid it well) .

does anyone have any input on this?

 

[UnicornSightings]

I always thought my SA will always be hidden. I have no intent to tell anyone. yet here i am, writing about it. i alwa...

Wow. First off, congratulations for mentioning this here!!! That's a big deal, to even mention it. No one here can say exactly why you feel the way you do and if it IS related to past abuse. It's certainly possible. The part that stands out is "it was no big deal, really". Hmmm. Everything that happens to us is a very big deal to us. I had that thought a LOT about how I grew up. No big deal. Other people deal with far worse. But I was wrong. What happened to me sucked so much for me and is worth feeling and processing and that part of me is worthy of love and care. So is the part of you that's questioning all of this. How do you want to live? Do you want to explore this? You've had 10 happyish years of marriage? You've had sex and that was ok when you were ok with it? Or were there issues? If he didn't suspect anything til now I'm not sure it's related. You certainly don't have to talk about everything or anything. But if you think there's a chance for some healing on some level there then maybe it's worth a shot. It's good that you're thinking about this. I wish you so much luck in your journey.

 

[skyblue]

Thanks unicorn.
you are right. maybe he is being manipulative and can not take a no for an answer.

maybe one day i will discuss SA or maybe i wont.
its just not something i am ready to do today, this week or this month.
i feel so unprepared and its a secret i dare not say out loud.
i just feel alone in this, thus i posted.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thanks unicorn.
you are right. maybe he is being manipulative and can not take a no for an answer.

maybe one day i...

You're not alone. At all. It's an honor to read your post and have a shred of an idea what you're going through. You trust your timing, ok?

 

[EveHarrington]

If you're feeling shame, then IMHO, without a doubt, the SA has affected you in some way, shape, or form.

 

[skyblue]

nothing about abuse is fair.

i had to endure it.

and now if i want to heal from it...i have to take such a difficult and painful path of talking about it and processing it.

i dont want to.

its like i have to walk through the fire again.

why? none of this was my idea to begin with.

why do i have to go through this twice.

again, i dont want to . :(

 

[UnicornSightings]

nothing about abuse is fair.

i had to endure it.

and now if i want to heal from it...i have to take such a difficu...

You don't have to. It's a choice. It's YOUR choice. AND there are other ways to heal other than therapy. Like yoga, meditation, there are shamanic things, helping others can be healing. The list is absolutely endless. And I don't mean this in a way of "yeah meditate for 30 mind and do a few poses and all the trauma will disappear!" I mean yoga has a way of bringing out deep emotion in a lot of people and there's trauma-specific yoga. And you don't have to talk at all. You just let your body release the trauma. There's also this type of movement you do to release old trauma. I forget the name but basically you like make micro movements of certain parts of your body for a long time and then your body takes over and does crazy movements. Like when a deer is almost eaten but makes a close escape. It will go to somewhere safe and shake out the trauma. Same sort of thing. And meditation is a good way to just notice thoughts. And things you never knew you thought or felt come to the surface over time. None of it's a quick fix and none of it is easy. I'm just saying, if you don't want to talk about trauma you don't ever have to. But based on how much you DON'T want to, there's a lot to be said for resistance, you know? You don't have to do anything at all right now. Just consider what you want to explore at some point. And if this isn't getting in the way of you living your best life, then also note that, you know? Just because you feel some shame doesn't mean you're screwed for life. Just means you feel shame about something. So be sure to give yourself so much credit for where you're at and what you've overcome. And think if you don't address this, will you be ok with that? You're here talking about it for some reason so you're open to something. Just let that question be there. What do I want out of this?

 

[Muted]

You're not free to say yes until you're free to say no. I'm constantly dealing with his manipulative tactics in regards to sex. I just want him to leave me alone. Sex should be safe and free not a power trip.

 

[EveHarrington]

You're not free to say yes until you're free to say no. I'm constantly dealing with his manipulative tact...

OMG DUMP HIS ASS!

Was with a guy who did this shit to me. I was so far gone it wasn't even funny. Now I'm with a guy who gives me complete power.....to say yes, to say no, and everything in between. Now I know the power of healing in the context of healthy relationships. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I have tried to rebury my past. Even told my T. Also told her it didn't work. Sometimes, it has to be dealt with because it just won't leave.

 

[Muted]

OMG DUMP HIS ASS!

Was with a guy who did this shit to me. I was so far gone it wasn't even funny...

Yep, that's kind of where I'm at right now. I'm realizing some things about our relationship and the abusive patterns. I've put up with it all for way too long.

 

[deeplyloved]

I'm so sorry that happened to you and so glad you finally found one place where you felt safe enough to share it. It sounds like maybe you had some protective wisdom around disclosing to your husband. Maybe you somehow knew he wasn't safe? Or I could be totally wrong. Maybe if he was given the chance he would rise to the occasion.

You deserve love and comfort and support. I don't tell my husband details, but I can't imagine him not knowing the basics of what I've survived. In marriage, I believe it's our sacred task to love all of who our partner is and tenderly hold their private hurts. That's how love heals our broken places, in my opinion.

It's so unbelievably hard to break the silence and to talk about SA even in therapy. I have thrown up in a therapy session! It was mortifying and I felt humiliated and thought I would never go back. And I said that very thing to my therapist. She reminded me how our brains and bodies often store memories...and she wasn't phased at all by my gross reaction to speaking what felt unspeakable. She said vomiting seemed like a pretty reasonable response to what happened to me!

Nightmares about that particular event stopped after I said the words and puked in my therapists office. I'm so embarrassed to type that out here but for some reason it seems like it might be helpful for you. Taking risks with my therapist is changing me...it's saving my life. I hope you can have the experience of a compassionate response to the horrors you lived through. Telling sometimes feels deadly, but it's not. We don't die from talking about what happened. I still have to remind myself about that from time to time.

I hope your husband is in therapy too and that you continue to hold fast to your boundaries with him. You will find sexual healing one day...maybe with him or maybe not with him. You deserve safety and respect and he must decide whether he can be patient or if he just needs to leave.